7 Consequences of Hushing Up a Grievance Against Your Partner. Resentment in a relationship can be compared to an invisible wall. At first, the partners are ready to hide their irritation, but over time, the bricks of discontent pile up on each other, moving the satellites apart from each other. Some even begin to feel that their lover is not a dear person, but a roommate.
It is important to immediately give your partner a sign that you are offended by him: otherwise, there will be unpleasant consequences. Let’s figure out which one.
1. You will dwell on old problems.
Psychologist Charmaine Jackman notes that offended people who have hushed up their displeasure for a long time often recall old incidents, and they do it for no reason. They may be discussing yesterday’s dinner with a partner and suddenly remember how he met his ex at brunch 3 years ago.
Offended people do not act out of malice. They deal with retraumatization—recurring pain due to an unresolved trauma. It is difficult for them to hold a grudge in themselves, but at the same time they do not speak out for certain reasons. Dissatisfaction accumulates, forcing it to go in cycles in one and the same thought.
2. You will begin to doubt your partner.
Resentment is often associated with regret. For people who have hushed up their feelings for a long time, it seems that the relationship, in principle, was not worth starting. In this case, offended partners often regret that, say, they stayed with a companion instead of accepting an offer from employers in another city.
The results of a study published in Scientific Reports in 2017 show that long-term resentment leads not only to dissatisfaction with relationships, but also to dissatisfaction with life in general.
3. Your conversations will become increasingly tense.
This consequence smoothly follows from cycling on one problem. Often people who are offended by a partner, but do not tell him about it directly, become passive-aggressive. Peter Ladd, in his book Relationships And Patterns Of Conflict Resolution, writes that in this way they are trying to hurt a person in return, but to do it in a civilized way.
According to a 2011 study, this tactic is commonly used by those who are trying to avoid unpleasant conversations at all costs. Passive-aggressive people don’t want to solve the problem and prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist. Unfortunately for them, this decision leads to the fact that their relationship with partners becomes more and more strained.
4. Relationships will start to feel like a vicious circle.
Peter Ladd gives the example of couples in which one person earns more than the other. The less successful companion will feel that he is to blame for the fall in his income, and against this background, the indignation of the one who takes on the main expenses will grow.
The guilt of one, according to Ladd, feeds the resentment of the other, and the circle cannot be broken if the partners do not discuss the situation. According to a 2017 study, companions who were able to accept their feelings and talk about them soon developed relationships. Those who tried to get away from unpleasant thoughts were less successful in this regard.
5. You will begin to feel that the situation is hopeless.
A resentful person who does not talk about how he feels is constantly traumatizing himself with unpleasant memories. This leads to learned helplessness, a state in which it seems that nothing will get rid of discontent.
Often people who are subject to such thoughts tend to think that they will either have to endure the discomfort further or leave. Sometimes such situations do happen: for example, if a person let his partner know that he was uncomfortable, and he ignored the complaints. It is quite another thing when an offended companion silently eats himself.
6. You want complete obedience from your partner
Sometimes, people who silently resent, it begins to seem that the satellite always owes them something. Some go further, expecting a full return from a partner and a willingness to help in any business. Their attitude towards a person can be characterized by the saying “with a tattered sheep even a tuft of wool”. However, the partner may not even guess that he offended a loved one, and not guess his momentary desires: after all, people are not psychics.
7. You will decide that you are not heard or understood.
Another reason is associated with the desire to be understood without further ado. An offended person uses passive aggression for a reason: in this way, he veiledly shows that he is dissatisfied with the relationship. He probably expects the partner to immediately understand what he made a mistake and what he did wrong.
He naturally does not understand why the companion is angry, and the offended person, seeing that they do not pay attention to his hints, closes in on himself even more. This threatens the alienation of partners and even parting. 7 Consequences of Hushing Up a Grievance Against Your Partner.