Which women do Capricorn men like? Marriage therapists constantly have to work with frustrated partners. Sometimes you have to be uncompromising: sometimes the well-being of satellites depends on it. We share tough, but honest and constructive advice from experts that will help improve the climate in a couple.
1. Don’t go to couples therapy until you’ve sorted out your personal issues.
Psychotherapist and author of For Better, for Worse, Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, Beatty Cohen, notes that in her 35 years of work, she often saw clients who thought family counseling would help where personal treatment was needed. It happened that one of the partners suffered from alcoholism, and the other from depression – in which case they should have sorted out their problems before going to couples therapy.
If you start counseling a couple when clients have not yet undergone personal treatment, then people will simply lose money in vain. It is impossible, by communicating with partners, to help them in their own questions – for example, what to do if one of them cheated. Only when both clients have moved to a qualitatively new level, we can start family sessions and resolve relationship problems.
Cohen emphasizes.
2. Lose the argument from time to time
The wording from psychologist Anne Crowley seems strange out of context. With this phrase, the specialist wanted to say that partners in the pursuit of being right forget about the feelings of loved ones, as a result they can say hurtful things or forget about general comfort. Sometimes, Crowley notes, between truth and happiness in a couple it is worth choosing the second:
People can get bogged down in conflict for a long time and miss something really important. When this happens, I tell them, “Don’t argue and don’t prove yourself right. Don’t deny your partner’s thoughts and feelings – instead, try to put yourself in his shoes and understand why he hurts so much.”
3. Burn all bridges with lovers so that the marriage does not fall apart
Clinical psychologist Harriet Lerner explains that it’s important for some people to flirt and get attention from others without cheating on their partners. Other clients realize that they quickly become attached to others, so they close the gate: they refuse any interactions with anyone other than satellites.
Not everyone can catch the moment when it’s worth it, stresses family therapist Sharon Gilcrest O’Neill. According to her, clients can sometimes communicate with lovers as if nothing had happened – thinking that this will not affect the main relationship in any way. However, it is not.
I had a couple: both under 40, married almost half their lives, raising two children. The husband found out that his wife had been cheating with another for almost a year: with a man whom she met at art courses.
Clients wanted to understand what to do to save the marriage, but it was necessary to restore trust. In almost all cases, if there was a betrayal, you should forget about lovers. However, in our case, the wife assured us that she could dine with the man without any thoughts.
I told her: “If you continue to communicate, then the marriage will fall apart. It is worth asking yourself how this contact will be correct, fair, and ethical in relation to your main partner.
O’Neill noted.
4. Sometimes you still need to go your separate ways.
Important note: if possible, break up without quarrels. Psychologist Michael Hakimi spoke about his case with a couple who got married over 30 years ago. The husband had severe anger management problems and could hardly contain himself, especially in the presence of his wife. She suspected her partner of cheating and did not miss the opportunity to remind her of her discontent, while the companions did not disperse for a long time.
In the end, the wife found the strength to say that she could no longer see or hear her husband. She severed all ties with him. I wish other people were less impulsive in asserting their boundaries.
It is worth noting that it is difficult to maintain composure and communicate warmly with the person who betrayed you. In difficult situations, it is important not to reject your feelings, but also not to prepare something that you can regret in the morning.
5. Be honest with your partner, even if the truth hurts them.
Family therapist Becky Weston notes that her clients are not always able to admit to loved ones in terrible things – for example, infidelity. As a result, tension is felt between partners, similar to an invisible wall.
People tend to lie about having an affair, Weston points out. However, couples therapy is a process in which partners must remain as honest as possible. This is the only way to achieve balance.
Treatment will not be effective if people are hiding something. In addition, by the behavior of people, you can understand that they are hiding something. Usually, at such moments I ask: “Are you sure nothing distracts or burdens you?” They always say at first that there is nothing to worry about. Then they go into hard denial; assure that the partner knows about their plans. I advise clients to understand everything, they do. Only then am I ready to help.
Weston says.
6. Don’t spend money on therapy to fight.
Therapist Caroline Madden cites the example of partners who argue or even provoke open conflict during therapy. It is difficult to endure, but it is even more difficult to realize that people are not ready to forget about discontent for a while in order to come to general calm.
When people are on edge, I say: “Now you spend money not on solving problems, but on a quarrel. You can quarrel for free – at home. You are here to sort out the situation.” Clients instantly fall silent – realizing that they are wasting their money.
Madden notes.
7. It is impossible to forever punish a partner for misconduct.
Sometimes people live according to the principle “and you want – and prick.” They would gladly forgive a loved one for betrayal, but something is in the way. They do not want to leave, but it is sickening to live together.
Psychotherapist Abby Rodman recalls a couple whose marriage fell apart after her husband’s infidelity. He deeply regretted his act and wanted to return everything as it was. The wife at first went to meet him, but then asked him to move out – in order to understand what she should do in this situation. Then she returned her husband back, remembered the betrayal, and again kicked him out of the house.
