Essential Questions for a Guy to Ask Before a Relationship. Is it possible to determine in just a couple of conversations how ready a man is for a serious relationship or even creating a family? It turns out, yes, if you know which topics are better to discuss in more detail. You can ask these questions to a guy both at the stage of dating, and already in a long-term alliance. There are only 9 of them, but they will help to study the chosen one more deeply, find out his main principles, touch on frequent life situations and, in general, understand the compatibility of the couple.
1. How do you feel about children?
For many guys, this is a sore subject, and the mere mention of future offspring can cause them to panic along with the desire to fly to Mars. However, men who are ready for a serious relationship are fine with this topic. It is only important to present everything in such a formulation, because “Do you want children?” or “When are you planning yours?” These are no less important questions, but with a slightly different bias. And it’s better to ask them either when the guy started the topic himself, or if he speaks very well and warmly about the children.
If both partners treat kids well, everything will work out. If both childfree – also the norm. It is bad only if the attitude towards children and their upbringing is radically different. But even worse is to meet the “imaginary childfree”. Its typical features:
- at the mention of a child, his face immediately changes, he begins to grimace, behave differently, not like a second before the “performance”;
- speaks of children with irritation, anger, or even outright disgust. The argument “You yourself were once a child” does not work;
- imposes his worldview on others, sarcastically ridicules or insults those who do not share his opinion;
- often has an extremely negative attitude towards young parents and openly demonstrates this;
- differs in frivolity, tactlessness, infantilism, but he never admits it, as he often turns out to be proud or narcissistic.
Adequate childfree choose life without children, but do not impose their views. In addition, despite the reluctance to have a child, they are calm about such topics, without offending other people’s kids.
If it suddenly happened that the opinions of the interlocutors differ, it is important not to try to convince a friend. He has his own reasons for taking a particular point of view. However, waiting for him to change his mind / change, or adapting to him yourself is also not a good idea. This is too important a question to ignore, so it is advisable to think a hundred times whether it is worth wasting each other’s time.
Essential Questions for a Guy to Ask Before a Relationship.
2. Who should be the breadwinner in the family?
The family model “dad works, mom is beautiful” is losing its relevance. Some want to keep the old form of relationship, where the man earns and the woman runs the household. Others are trying to introduce a new form of marriage – a career wife and a husband who looks after the children and the house. However, the most common model is one in which both partners work.
All three types of relationships are absolutely normal. As long as the couple is satisfied with the same distribution of responsibilities in the “earnings-life” bond, everything will be fine. However, the difference in such views creates serious conflicts in the family. That is why it is so important to immediately know each other’s opinions on this matter.
Even in the most common marriage model , where both spouses work, situations are much more common when a man earns more, because:
- society is accustomed to the system, according to which a man plays the role of a breadwinner, which means that he is in fact “obliged” to receive a high salary;
- a girl who earns more than her boyfriend is often a grief for the male ego;
- despite active efforts by feminists, in many organizations women are still paid less than their male counterparts for the same job;
- Wives go on maternity leave much more often than husbands. After this period, girls have difficulty finding work, and sometimes even legal reinstatement;
- a non-working woman is perceived by society better than a non-working man (alphonse housewife).
If a guy wants both of them to work in a couple, it’s better to ask him right away how he will react to a situation in which his chosen one suddenly begins to earn more. If he is categorically against such a situation (which is normal), the careerist girl will have to think about whether it is worth starting a family with him.
3. Have you been in a serious relationship?
The question itself is harmless, but it helps to neatly touch on a very sensitive topic about former partners. If you are not sure that you will be able to smoothly move from one to another, it is better not to ask about this on first dates.
If an already adult guy did not have a serious or any relationship at all, this is a dubious sign. There is a possibility that he simply spent a lot of time studying, then a career and did not want to be distracted, but this is a very rare case. Much more often this situation describes men who:
- they are not in a hurry to take responsibility, preferring something lighter, relaxed, without obligations;
- have been severely traumatized and are afraid to get close to anyone. It will be better if the psychotherapist takes care of such a case, and not the partner;
- characterized by increased shyness, uncertainty, isolation of character;
- they do not see the point in creating a family / relationship, they are completely satisfied with life alone (and it is also better to ask about this right away).
This does not mean that an acquaintance without stories from the past is plotting something bad or will necessarily turn out to be a scoundrel. But the fact that you have to be careful with him is a fact.
The opposite problem is too many exes . If a guy has had more than 3 serious relationships, and he is not yet 30, this is suspicious. All the more doubtful is the interlocutor who boasts of a bunch of connections (often short-term). Either he is deceiving, trying to elevate himself in the eyes of the lady, or he will not have to be serious. It is desirable to explain to the first of them that the number of his adventures is not impressive, but, on the contrary, is doubtful. With the second it is better to say goodbye as soon as possible.
By the way, another alarming signal is a clear negative description of former partners. Perhaps after a while he will respond in the same way to a new acquaintance. In addition, the attitude “everyone is bad, I am good” is hardly associated with maturity and adequacy.
Essential Questions for a Guy to Ask Before a Relationship.
4. Do you have plans for the next 5 years?
It is plans and goals that are important, not dreams, because it does not always come to the implementation of the latter. A mature man with adequate ambitions thinks over his image and procedure for the near future. He sets himself tasks, the solution of which brings him closer to a better standard of living. And in order to create such tasks, you will first have to deal with your vision of an ideal future. That is, specific plans indicate that their owner is a purposeful person who knows what he wants and is relatively stable in his own views.
What answers to this question are alarming? If the interlocutor:
- lives without any plans, “goes with the flow”, and does not even have an approximate idea of \u200b\u200bits future;
- wants a lot of things, but has not yet begun to implement at least a couple of items from his list;
- sees himself as someone rich / successful / influential / popular, while clearly does not know how to achieve such a position;
- has specific goals, but will start working on them only from the next Monday / month / year or when the dollar stabilizes;
- shows clearly inflated expectations, looks at everything too rosy: “At first I will become just a politician, I will run a cheap campaign, and then they will vote for me in the presidential elections. And what if I don’t know anything about politics? .
If the guy is doing well with the plans and their gradual implementation, it remains only to compare him and his expectations from life and understand how similar they are, if there are any conflicting points. If there is, it’s better to ask the guy how important some detail is to him and whether he could live happily in other conditions. However, if the pictures of the future have many differences, it may be better to reconsider the chances of a serious relationship with him.
5. What kind of people do you dislike?
On the one hand, the answer will help to understand the level of compatibility, whether there are any disadvantages in the girl herself that are unacceptable for the guy. On the other hand, the way a guy talks about people/things that are not the most pleasant for him betrays the level of his aggression, how quick-tempered, excitable he is. It’s normal to be slightly nervous about denouncing such topics. But the following signs are suspicious :
- clenches his fists, rests his palms on hard surfaces (table, bench) until the knuckles turn white;
- clenches jaws strongly, grinds teeth, speaks through them;
- breathes heavily, cannot sit still, jumps up, walks back and forth, swings his arms vigorously;
- allows himself a lot of foul language, raises his tone up to a scream, cannot stop at the same time even after being asked to stop;
- when trying to justify people of a category unpleasant to him, he clearly imposes his opinion, switches to insults or ridicule.
Further communication with this type turns into a serious threat. If a man is so unrestrained, poorly restrains his emotions, he will sooner or later break down on his chosen one. Any trifle can serve as an occasion, and neither morality, nor love, nor children watching the whole situation will interfere with it.
If the couple has obviously known each other for more than a day, you can ask the young man why he doesn’t like a particular category of people, whether this hostility is connected with a real life story. However, with any outbursts of anger on his part, it is better not to develop the topic at all and end the meeting or even acquaintance as soon as possible.
6. What traits should your future wife have?
This question includes checking three aspects at once. The first is how well a man understands his expectations, whether they contradict each other. The second is whether his interlocutor suits him, whether he himself thinks that they have a chance to build something serious together. The third is whether his requests correspond to what he himself is ready to offer.
If a guy does not know who he wants to see next to him, his tastes and preferences change quite often, that is, there is a risk that he will turn out to be windy and not suitable for creating a family. It also makes no sense to try to “fix” yourself if a man is looking for someone else and his interlocutor is too different from him in terms of views. It is more difficult with the third point, since it is impossible to immediately, without knowing the person, say whether his demands and proposals are proportionate.
However, a few details still betray the interlocutor, who is clearly asking for more than he can give :
- in his speech the words “must”, “should” and the like often slip through;
- he speaks only about his expectations, and in a categorical form;
- to the question “What can you give in return?” responds with mute surprise, an attempt to change the subject, general phrases like “Yourself and your love” or resentment at the alleged commercialism of a friend (although it may not be about money at all);
- shows double standards: “I can sit up with friends at a bar until late at night, so let it take. Can she go out with her friends late at night? Not!” ;
- skeptical about women in general, a clear sexist, but at the same time demands respect for himself.
This is all the more noticeable in situations where, already at the first meeting, he asks for a loan, behaves defiantly, dictates requirements, considers the girl as if the goods are in a store.
7. What role does sex play for you?
Sex is an essential part of a serious relationship for many. Despite this, everyone has different views on it. Some perceive it as another kind of manifestation of feelings and resort to it only after emotional rapprochement. Others start dating after checking in bed, it’s so important to them. Both points of view have the right to exist. And the conflicts lurk not in the very approach to sex, but in the disproportion of the libido.
However, it is inconvenient to ask about all the details of love for sexual life at the first meetings. Therefore, you can ask a general question about the importance of sex, or you can only ask: “What do you think about girls who agree to sleep on the first date?” . What will his answer say:
- even if he has a negative attitude towards this, any aggression in response is a bad sign (for more details, see paragraph 5);
- adequately expressed hostility speaks of the style of his upbringing or slight conservatism, and neutrality speaks of impartiality, flexibility of mind;
- a positive attitude towards such behavior is a good sign only if he agrees to continue the relationship with the young lady after sex or does not agree to it at all;
- if he does not mind sleeping on the first date, but at the same time immediately says that he will not continue communication, this is a sign of windiness or duplicity.
When communicating with some guys, you will have to clarify that the question is purely hypothetical, as some take everything too literally. To avoid an incident, it is better to immediately make a reservation about the presumption of the topic and the desire to understand only the similarity or difference of opinions.
8. Are household chores always women’s concerns?
There is a category of men who confidently consider cleaning, cooking, washing, and other household chores to be exclusively women’s duties. Even if their chosen ones work on an equal footing with them, all the same, in their opinion, all responsibility for home comfort rests with the girls. It is better to determine from the very beginning whether a new acquaintance belongs to this category, because everyday life will occupy an important place in the relationship of the couple.
You can also clarify how a man feels about hiring assistants – nannies, maids, cooks, etc. Even if a woman is ready to take on household duties and does not want to hire staff herself, she still learns a lot from the guy’s answer. For example :
- his attitude towards people of such professions;
- how stingy or, conversely, generous;
- How does he manage money?
- does he want his chosen one to work;
- how he sees his house, what conditions he considers comfortable.
Surely everyone has days when the refrigerator is empty, but there is no mood/strength/desire to cook. And if both partners work, such situations will begin to occur all the more. It is advisable to ask the guy if he would not mind in this case having dinner/breakfast in a cafe or even in a restaurant. This will once again emphasize his attitude to women’s labor and tell you if there is stinginess in him.
9. What happens if your parents don’t like me?
The same can be asked about other relatives or friends. The purpose of the question is to find out how dependent the chosen one is on the opinions of others. He is not obliged to ignore his loved ones and not listen to them at all. However, he still chooses a companion for his life, and therefore it is better to think with his own head.
Usually the biggest and most frequent problem lies in the relationship of potential mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. How to determine that a new acquaintance is a typical representative of “sissy”? He:
- aloud compares the girl and mother. A particularly obvious sign is that the comparison is clearly in favor of the latter. Although problems can arise even in the reverse situation;
- during quarrels, he goes to the parent or calls her to complain;
- cannot make even simple decisions (such as buying a T-shirt) without her advice or help;
- secretly sends her money, and such actions can be repeated, even if the couple themselves live in debt;
- insists on living with parents, although there is the possibility of separate residence;
- in any quarrels, he takes only the side of the mother, changes his behavior in her presence for the worse;
- afraid to upset the parent, but at the same time forgets about the feelings of the partner.
For such a person, the mother will always be in the first place, and the opinion of the wife will be left far behind. Therefore, if similar signs slip through a man at the first meeting, it’s time to think about whether he is worth the time spent.
When asking these questions to a guy, it is important not only to capture the essence of the answers, but also to monitor his reaction. If, at the mention of a topic, he suddenly tensed up or abruptly changed his behavior, most likely it is inconvenient or unpleasant for him to discuss this. Better not to put pressure on him in this case. However, if he did decide to answer, you will have to watch whether he is completely frank. In the end, it remains only to determine whether the couple’s life views are similar enough to make joint plans for the future.
Essential Questions for a Guy to Ask Before a Relationship.