How a narcissist makes a victim fall in love with himself? Love bombardment is a manipulation tactic by which narcissists and abusers make future victims fall in love with them, form a deep, strong attachment and trust in them, and then, on this powerful basis, gradually move to psychological and physical violence.
You are bombarded with gifts, compliments, attention. They make you feel special, admirable, loved, desired. You feel that this person is what you have been missing all your life, you do not even believe that everything is so good, this simply cannot be true.
There is absolute trust between you, and he (so far …) has never deceived him. He trusts you, he is emotionally open, reliable, sensual. It’s easy and fun to be with him, he makes you feel special and very, very happy.
If everything is so good, then what is the danger?
Love bombardment creates deep affection and strong trust. But then, after a while, the so-called “tests of the pen” begin – tests on your tolerance for violence.
At first, it’s nothing: the abuser casually throws an unpleasant pseudo-compliment, or is late for a date, or suddenly becomes cold or annoyed, and you dance around him, trying to understand what is happening and return the previous flow of love and attention.
Against the backdrop of the deep trust and love that the bombing shaped, these little things feel like nothing. But in this way, the partner gradually breaks through your boundaries deeper and deeper – and you are involved in a cycle of abusive relationships.
The cycle is like this:
Lovebombing – tension builds up, petty skirmishes – violent fight, outburst of psychological or physical abuse – lovebombing again to drag you back into the relationship – tension builds up…
Gradually, the cycle turns faster and faster, the honeymoons get shorter, the violence gets more violent, until finally the love bombing disappears altogether. And you are trapped.
How to distinguish love bombing from true love?
Honestly, it’s hard. Narcissus looks sincerely in love, because now he has an idealization phase in his psyche – he absolutely sincerely considers you a goddess. Such emotions cannot be faked. But there are some signs that should alert you.
- You feel obligated for gifts, they put you in an awkward position;
- Relationships develop uncomfortably quickly: you are immediately showered with compliments, they want to move in together or even get married;
- The person talks about the fatefulness of your meeting, says that you are destined for each other;
- Emphasizes your exclusivity against the background of the rest: “Only you understand me”, “Only you can help me”;
- Makes compliments where he compares you with others, emphasizes your exclusivity against the background of other people, women or his exes;
- He speaks disrespectfully of his exes and of people in general. If other girls are “corrupt” for him, and you are a wonderful angel, then sooner or later you will turn out to be “corrupt” as soon as you disappoint him with something.
- Gets frustrated if you pay attention to someone else, want some personal space, set boundaries. May be aggressive or make you feel guilty.
- Encourages physical intimacy.
- You are emotionally dependent on his assessment, you react violently to the slightest detachment or coldness on his part.
What to do?
- Trust your intuition. If you are anxious, scared, embarrassed next to a person, if you do not trust his feelings – most likely there is a reason for this, you just do not realize it rationally;
- Save areas of life that are just for you. Don’t let your life focus only on your partner.
- Don’t let romantic relationships interfere with your friendships or family ties. Narcissists try to socially isolate the victim – don’t let him.
- Read the books “Fear, I’m with you: a scary book about the fatal and irresistible” Tanya Tank, “Why is he doing this?” Lundy Bancroft. If you find a description of your man there, run away from him before the emotional connection gets too deep. Then it will be much harder to get out of the swamp of relationships with a narcissist.