Is he suspicious of incoming calls, SMS from operators, messages on social networks? Should you avoid contact with the opposite sɘx because your spouse won’t like it? A jealous husband is both a bonus to self-esteem, and at the same time a lot of trouble, worries, and sometimes infringements. How to live with such a person and at the same time not go crazy from his constant suspicions? When you should not even try to fix everything, but is it better to turn around and run as fast as you can? Where does male jealousy come from? How to behave with him and when should you run?
Why is he jealous?
The jealousy of a man does not always follow from the provocations of his chosen one. More often, it is based on illogical reasons that may seem irrational even to the most jealous. These include:
- poor self-esteem. Self-doubt translates into the fear of losing your woman, yielding to her best man. Such a person, on a subconscious level, considers himself unworthy of his partner. Often he sees in her not an ally, but a competitor. If a girl is successful, beautiful, smart, he will secretly compare her with himself, lose to her, and outwardly be jealous;
- traumatic event. Has he been cheated on in a past relationship? Did he change himself and then regret it? Did his parents break up or suffered in marriage because of infidelity? If a guy has not worked out such a trauma well enough, has not left it in the past, he will transfer his own or other people’s mistakes to new relationships, even if they are noticeably different from the traumatic ones;
- suppression of desires. A man wants to have fun on the side, but considers it wrong or does not want to lose his current relationship. He begins to suppress his desire, but at the same time, without noticing it, he projects it onto a woman. “If I want it, then she might want it too.” All this happens rather subconsciously;
- egocentrism. Ownership, selfishness, the desire for control, attempts to subjugate easily find a way out in jealousy. Such a partner is firmly convinced that his couple is obliged to look only at him, be friendly only with him and generally put him, as well as serving him as the meaning of his whole life;
- psychosis. The most difficult reason requiring medical intervention. We are talking about serious deviations in the psyche, which become a threat both to the man himself and to his loved ones. A typical psychological portrait is a skilled manipulator, on whom logical arguments have no effect. Outbursts of inappropriate dangerous actions alternate with periods of “calm” or exemplary behavior.
Some of these causes can be eliminated or at least reduced in their impact on behavior. Of course, for this, both the woman herself and her jealous husband will have to try. However, certain actions are a signal that it is time to leave immediately. What behavior cannot be tolerated because it cannot be corrected, and attempts to do so will lead to dangerous consequences? How to behave with him and when should you run?
When is the best time to run away from your husband?
The most obvious sign is physical abuse. It seems obvious, but not all women decide to leave the aggressor after his assault. Some are afraid for safety (get angry because of the gap – do something with his wife or children), others find themselves in a financially dependent position.
Getting away from an abuser is a very difficult task. The problem with his victim is that she considers herself deserving of such treatment or punishment. At the same time, the rapist usually turns out to be an influential manipulator who knows how to put pressure on feelings of guilt, on self-doubt. The wife of such a man will very quickly believe that no one needs her, that she is not worthy of the best, and must be grateful that her husband even looked at her.
Beatings (not necessarily with fists, there may be slaps, slaps, kicks) are not the only sign of an abuser. With male jealousy, you can not even try to put up or fight, but it’s better to leave right away if he:
- constantly insults, humiliates his woman, especially in front of other people (he can present all this as “harmless” jokes);
- generally does not know how to talk in a calm tone, immediately breaks into a cry, accusations, plays forever offended;
- blames his wife for all his failures, even professional or friendly ones, on which the spouse had no influence;
- seriously limits the woman’s personal space (requires to show all correspondence, forbids spending time with friends, locks at home, etc.);
- expresses complete indifference to the problem, frankly ignores attempts to talk, neglects the feelings of his wife.
How will children grow up without a father? Not sure if they have to do it. He can lose the status of a husband, but remain a dad if he copes with the role. Sorry for the wasted years? Now only years, then you have to grieve for the rest of your life. Is he just confused/is he having a rough period? He is an adult who is responsible for his own life. If he does nothing to improve it, then he is so comfortable.
How to deal with a jealous man?
1. Analyze your behavior.
The husband has never been particularly jealous, but lately has he suddenly been replaced? It’s time to remember what has changed on the eve of such changes. Perhaps the wife was on maternity leave for a long time, and then went to work in the men’s team. Or she decided to take care of herself and she really managed to improve her appearance. Even minor little things that the lady did not attach importance to can make her chosen one nervous.
Another thing is if the spouse tries to cause jealousy on purpose, that is, provokes her husband. More often, one of two things – either she was no longer satisfied with the relationship, so she decided to “stir up” them, or she has problems with self-esteem and she expresses herself this way. In the first case, it is better to immediately learn that careless games with jealousy can end in failure. In addition, there are more loyal methods to return passion to marriage. In the second – it’s time to see a psychotherapist, otherwise the problems will not end.
How to behave with him and when should you run?
2. Show your love.
Perhaps the man became jealous, because the amount of mutual attention and time spent together was reduced in the union. If family dinners are held in complete silence, gifts have become an automatic duty rather than an attempt to give joy, or a couple spends the weekend separately, it’s time to change that. What can be done:
- talk to him more often about your love;
- write short love notes;
- pay a little more attention to ɘxual life;
- go on a date in a cafe, cinema, picnic (the main thing is variety);
- arrange romantic marital evenings (without children-friends-parents);
- add physical contact (kissing, hugging, massage).
You can remind him of the first meetings, falling in love, look at old photos together, remembering pleasant moments.
3. Create borders.
Living with a jealous person can seem like the end of privacy, personal space. In order not to be in a disadvantaged position, it is important to immediately try to draw boundaries. Of course, it is important to put them politely, but confidently, with respect, explaining everything, but without “bargaining”. For example, these might be the rules:
- do not sort things out in public;
- stop looking into personal belongings (including gadgets) without asking;
- not arrange surveillance with a spy mission;
- do without screaming, baseless accusations;
- do not include strangers in the problem, even relatives.
It is important to show the jealous person at the same time that if he calmly tries to discuss what worries him, he will definitely be listened to. Otherwise, these frames will seem suspicious.
4. Talk, sorting out doubtful situations.
A frank conversation with an analysis of all the ambiguous, not fully understood events will help the spouses eliminate the problem at the very beginning, without waiting until it turns into scandals or complete alienation. Trust, frankness, patience are the three main components of such a conversation.
It is important to understand what exactly a man takes for treason, flirting, to which he reacts sharply. Perhaps partners have too different perceptions of the same things. For example, a girl considers it normal to hug friends of the opposite sɘx when they meet, but her chosen one does not agree with this. If he himself adheres to such a rule, it becomes clear why he becomes jealous.
How to behave with him and when should you run?
5. Avoid excuses.
As soon as the woman begins to make excuses, the jealous man will increase his pressure. He will consider that if the wife was confused, took the position of the “guilty victim”, then she really stumbled somewhere. Therefore, it is better to dispute the claims in a civilized manner, without giving rise to unnecessary suspicions. This reason may be:
- guilty facial expression – lowered corners of the lips, chin, look from under the brows with raised eyebrows, wide-open eyes;
- drooping look – head lowered or pressed into the shoulders, stooped back;
- defensive, nervous gestures – fingering small objects or fabrics, exposed forward, arms bent at the elbows with open palms;
- stuttering, slips of the tongue, confused information, trouble finding words, awkward long silences;
- plaintive tearful tone, too quiet voice, constant allowing himself to be interrupted.
It is better to calmly but confidently explain your actions, thereby proving loyalty, innocence.
6. Stay calm.
As soon as the spouse decides that it is time to launch a retaliatory attack, and switches to shouting or accusations, the situation can be safely called a failure. A jealous husband, being on emotions, obviously will not calm down or force himself to solve the problem.
With the “heat of passions” it is better to try to normalize the situation by setting a calm tone for the conversation with your example. If a man does not react in any way to attempts to calm the quarrel, it is advisable to give him time to cool down, and only then try to discuss everything again.
How to behave with him and when should you run?
7. Prepare for a long journey.
If a spouse does not have good reasons for jealousy, but he continues to experience fear, doubts due to subjective factors, he is unlikely to be able to get rid of them in just a couple of conversations. The girl will have to accept the fact that the path to trust, peace of mind of her chosen one will be difficult, long, most likely not without disruptions.
Sometimes situations will seem almost absurd, unnecessarily tense. The wife will want to break loose in response more than once, and, perhaps, she will still not be able to restrain herself. This is fine. The main thing is not to give up trying, but to continue, despite your own or male mistakes. Only in this case will the couple have a chance to overcome the difficulty.
8. Increase his self-esteem.
If the husband is more self-confident, he will stop comparing himself with other men, suffer from low self-esteem, and see others as a threat. This will make him more calm, affectionate, patient towards his wife. She, in turn, can affect his conceit in the following ways:
- compliment him, but without comparisons (even in his favor), as they will only aggravate the situation;
- praise him in front of his own friends, mutual acquaintances or his relatives, if he sees them;
- throw admiring, loving, interested glances at him;
- encourage him with phrases like “I’m proud of you”, “you’re done”, “great job”, etc.;
- remind him of his achievements in the past, better recent than 10 years ago.
A jealous husband is a real test for nerves, family well-being in general. He may have claims even to an exemplary wife who is next to him 24/7. Very often, jealousy is not justified by external reasons, but sits deep inside, caused by complexes or traumas. A woman who decides to be with such a man will have to understand that it will be impossible to re-educate him. He probably needs psychiatric help. However, it is in the power of the wife to reduce the intensity of passions through the methods described.
How to behave with him and when should you run?
