Many people face this difficulty. Building a relationship with a woman who was previously married is already difficult for a man in itself, and a woman will ask questions about what exactly went wrong in the relationship of her new chosen one, since he divorced his ex.
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But things get much more complicated if your new partner has children from his first marriage. It is one thing to build a relationship with a loved one, quite another – with his or her child, who is unlikely to accept you with open arms, and you are unlikely to want to share responsibility for someone else’s child. How to be? We are unlikely to be able to give an exhaustive answer to such a complex and multifaceted question, but at least we will try to understand the most common problems and misconceptions.
The main idea of our article will be that you need to solve problems before they appear. The statement seems debatable, but psychologists are confident that this will be the best solution, and they have every reason to believe so. I must say that men and women differently perceive the presence of children from their first marriage with their partners, and therefore we will try to consider the situation from both sides.
What do men think about this problem?
Numerous men’s communities and magazines advise in every possible way to avoid relationships with women who have children from another man. “Divorce with a trailer” is another of the most “affectionate” epithets that are used to address single mothers who are in search of a new relationship. And women will rush to be angrily offended by such phrases, instead of sorting out the situation and trying to see the problem through the eyes of a man. And there is a problem here.
Despite the fact that the legislation establishes equal rights between men and women in relation to joint children, in fact we do not observe this equality. In the vast majority of cases, children after a divorce remain with their mother, and the father often receives numerous restrictions on the rights regarding children and a sea of financial obligations to … no, not to the children, but to their mother, who is sometimes hated by him. If we look at the statistics of litigation in family cases, we will see that men are trying to fight for the right to see children taken from them more often, while women suffer and sue non-payers of alimony. This is what “equality” is.
It is not surprising that because of this way of dealing with a woman who has children from her first marriage, men first of all see a financial burden, and the main goal of women discussing the children of their new husband from a previous marriage on women’s forums is to limit him communication with them and the desire to reduce it to zero.
At the same time, women, as a rule, do not see anything special in the fact that a man will take on financial obligations for someone else’s child, because “a real man should …” and “it was not he who took me with a child, but I deigned him to enter into our relationship family as a child.” Alas, such a “policy” does not lead to anything good, and smart men run from such women like from fire. So if you, being a man, find out that your new chosen one carefully hid from you that she has children from her first marriage, and now she is trying to “oblige” you to love them, think about whether you really need such a relationship? Perhaps you are just being used.
How do women see this issue?
Women’s jealousy of other people’s children is fully justified. Fairy tales depict insidious and cruel stepmothers who hate the children of their new husband from their previous wife and try to get rid of them, but to recall at least one fairy tale that would reveal the feelings of a woman who finds herself in the position of such a stepmother does not work.
A man “by default” believes that his new wife should not interfere with his relationship with children, and sometimes even sure that she should take on the duties of a mother in relation to them. It’s just that developing an attachment to someone else’s child for a woman is a very difficult and sometimes impossible process, especially when the child is not very happy with someone else’s aunt, who for some reason now needs to be called mom. So the background of the “evil stepmother” may well turn out to be sad and tragic, but men are unlikely to understand this.
As for women … Again, think about whether you are ready to build a relationship with a man, knowing that in his life there are children from his first marriage, he will see them regularly and their problems will somehow partially fall on you. And if the children live with him, everything will be much more complicated. Perhaps it’s not too late to change your mind. And if you decide to start, you should learn how to build relationships with a man and his children.
Who suffers more in such a situation – women or men? We have an unequivocal and honest answer to this seemingly difficult question. The child always suffers the most in this situation. And adults obsessed with themselves and their problems, busy sorting things out and proving their own innocence, forget about this regardless of gender.
Here we will pause. The further part of the article will not be of interest to either men who fundamentally do not build relationships with women with children from their first marriage, or women who do not allow their chosen one to have children from another. If this is about you, know that we respect your decision and this is your full right. But at this place we will say goodbye to you and wish you happiness on the path that you have chosen for yourself.
The main mistakes of women
Let’s start with the fair sex, and we’ll get to the strong later. No, we are not afraid of the wrath of feminists, because they have left us higher. How often women show nobility and say that they do not object at all to the husband’s communication with his children from his first marriage, that he is their father and that he takes care of his children only characterizes him from the best side.
Alas, in most cases this statement works only in theory, but in practice, at first it seems to a woman that her husband devotes more time to his children than to her, and then material assistance to children becomes a blow to the family budget, and now a problem arises between you, but after hearing your noble words, the husband was glad a long time ago that he had such a wonderful new wife and decided that the issue was closed once and for all. Yes, men think this way, and any return to this topic will cause him a natural negative, because from his point of view, your words diverge from actions, and this is true.
Psychologists always suggest first of all to understand yourself, and then look for external problems. So, if earlier you didn’t object to your husband’s communication with his children, and now it seems to you that the weekend spent by him with the children, and not with you, is alienating you from each other, there is only one reason for this, and it is inside you, even if you you don’t acknowledge it. Her name is jealousy. The more time he spends with them, the less he will spend with you, and you are already ready to “fight” for every minute.
If the husband often communicates with his ex-wife because of the children, jealousy will intensify. You have already found the strength to forgive the presence of children in his life (although he does not need your forgiveness!), But not the constant presence of his ex, who at any moment can tear you apart with her inappropriate call. And then there is the constant spending on other people’s children, when your refrigerator is broken, then your grandmother urgently needs medicine, then summer vacation is coming soon … The situation is heating up more and more, and sooner or later it will explode.
How to be? There is only one way out – to talk heart to heart with her husband. You are one family, and his plans for further communication with children concern you no less than he himself. How much of your budget does he plan to spend on children? Which weekends will he spend with them, and which ones with you? Is he going to go on their next vacation with them? These are the things you should plan together and make compromises and follow them through to the end.
As for your jealousy, don’t forget that your husband and his ex-wife are divorced. Their relationship ended, and there were serious reasons for that, since even joint children did not become an obstacle to divorce. So the reasons for jealousy draws only your imagination, not reality. Remember that the best relationships are built on trust, and trust him.
The idea that if a husband gives birth to a new child, he will forget about the already existing children from his first marriage, is fundamentally wrong. Moreover, it is destructive if you become pregnant against his will and will only create for you a sea of new reasons for conflict. If the husband strongly supports the idea of becoming a father again – go for it, but forget about pierced condoms and other female tricks right away.
The main mistakes of men
Do you think that after you entered her life, you will be in her first place? Alas, it is not. A woman’s first priority will always be her child, and since you didn’t stop reading earlier, you’ll have to put up with it. You will not be able to change this, and any attempts to put pressure on your wife will end badly for your relationship. Having shown understanding and care, you will soon find yourself “on the same line” with a woman and her child.
It is important to understand that all the attention of the mother after the divorce was focused on the child. Now the child sees that he has to share this attention with some stranger uncle, and takes it with hostility. Even for an adult it is difficult to get rid of jealousy, for a child it is impossible at all. And there is no need to think that since you have become the head of the family, now you have unquestioning authority and power, this is not so. In the eyes of a child, you have no authority or power, especially if he maintains a good relationship with his father. Attempts to break his will and rebuild it for yourself will lead to numerous conflicts that will destroy your family relationships. Be patient.
The other extreme is an attempt to abruptly break into the child’s trust zone. Do not forget that after the divorce of his parents, he has already experienced a shock that will affect his whole life. It will be difficult to convince him now to call you, a stranger and a stranger, dad and perceive it accordingly. The right decision is to make friends with the child, to become for him a senior comrade who can be trusted. His toy is broken, he is looking for a company to play with a console, you have the opportunity to take your child fishing – use it. Having established a trusting relationship with the child, you will soon notice that even in conflicts with the mother, he will begin to take your side. However, it is better that there are no conflicts at all, which is what we wish you!
And don’t forget, it’s the children who suffer the most!
The child is completely defenseless against the circumstances in which his mother and father ceased to be together. He wants to restore the family, return and unite both parents and live as before, and does not understand why this happened and why he is unable to change anything. The little man’s world is collapsing, and soon someone else invades him. And that outsider is you.
No one forces you to love someone else’s child, you won’t be forced to be nice anyway. But the best thing you can do is treat him like a person. Still small, helpless and dependent, but still an ordinary person. Getting to know him, learning about his hobbies and interests, showing curiosity about what he does, you will gradually destroy the wall of rejection and cease to be a stranger to him. In fact, this is already enough to avoid most of the problems in your situation.
There are many happy married couples who have children from their first marriage, and they do not call their mother’s new husband “dad” or their father’s next chosen one “mom”. They remember who their real parents are and keep in touch with both, learning a hard but still important life lesson: people don’t always live happily ever after until death do them part. Faced with the first unhappy love and parting, they endure it much easier, because in part they are already mentally prepared for this shock.
Within the framework of such a short article, it is impossible to analyze all difficult situations and find answers to all the questions that they give rise to. Sometimes there is no universal solution at all, and you will have to find your own answer. We hope that our article will help you at least partially.
YOUR MAN’S CHILDREN FROM THE FIRST MARRIAGE – Yes I Do IT by Julia Levkovskaya