This article is written from the point of view of a girl who told us how she got out of an abusive relationship. We hope it helps you and your loved ones.
The content of the article
My experience of abusive relationships lasted 10 months, and, if not for a fortunate combination of circumstances, I would hardly have been able to end them.
Acquaintance and the beginning of a relationship
I was 19 years old when we met, and I had little relationship experience, and he was 25. We met on the Internet, and out of boredom, I agreed to a meeting, and then another. We had an interesting conversation, I found out that he was a military man, and he was in my city under a contract for a year and a half.
Our acquaintance took place in a difficult period for me, I was looking for a job, I had financial problems. Suspecting this, the guy began to try in every possible way to help, but I refused. Once I said that soon I had to pay the rent, and I would have to borrow money. He took my hand and dragged me to the ATM, withdrew the money and gave it to me, saying that he would be offended if I didn’t take it. I took, promising to give back.
After 3 weeks, he kissed me sharply, and the earth literally left from under my feet, I fell in love in an instant. From that day on, we began a relationship that I did not plan at all, and did not even think about.
At first glance, he seemed like the perfect man, and I fell in love more and more every day. I liked his views on life, his attitude towards me. He gave me flowers and gifts, constantly complimented me, cooked for me, and took care of me in every possible way. But, when the conversation turned to his ex-girlfriends, he didn’t say anything good about any of them. Everyone was bad for him, everyone treated him horribly, and he insulted them with his last words. Once I told him that someday he would also talk about me, to which he replied that I was not like that, that I was the best girl in the world. He spoke badly about everyone, but he told me that I was special.
After just a week, he began to talk about living together. After a couple more weeks, he insisted on living together and moved in with me. Life together started perfectly, he helped me around the house, provided and cared for. During this period, his vacation began, we went to his hometown. He met me with my mother and other relatives.
I found a job, and at that time he did more than me around the house. I came home, and there I was waiting for order and a delicious dinner. I thought I had the best man in the world.
Soon I quit and decided to look for a new job, but the guy began to dissuade me. He invited me to relax, sit at home, and I agreed. As a result, I sat at home, constantly putting things in order and cooking every day. He was pleased, and constantly said that I did not need to look for a job. I did not notice how I was completely on his provision.
From the first months of the relationship, he began to start talking about children, and I thought it was cute. But after 3 months, he began to seriously talk about the fact that we should have a baby faster. I loved him so much that I wanted a child from him, but I realized that it was too early.
An offer of marriage
A week before the New Year, we went shopping. And that day I noticed that he does everything in his own way. It showed up in small things, but he never asked my opinion. When we got home, he came out to take out the trash, and I thought that I should say that it doesn’t suit me, that he doesn’t listen to my opinion. I had noticed this before, but I thought that he was just used to solving everything himself.
And now he comes back, I meet him at the door, I want to start a conversation, and he starts telling me declarations of love. I don’t understand anything, but at one moment he takes out a box with a gold ring and kneels down. At that moment, my heart was beating out of my chest and my knees were trembling. He uttered the very phrase “Will you marry me?”. I could not believe what was happening, because I did not expect this, we met only 4 months. I said, “Yes,” and tears of joy flowed from my eyes. I was literally shaking with shock and joy. When we moved away from emotions a little, he asked when we would play the wedding. And then I thought that there was no need to hurry with such a decision. I set the condition that the wedding would be in a year so that we could get to know each other better, he was upset, but agreed.
How the fairy tale began to turn into a nightmare
After the proposal, his attitude towards me gradually began to deteriorate. During quarrels, he began to raise his voice at me, then shout obscenities. But I always found excuses for him. He began to constantly reproach me with money, and demanded perfect order and fresh dishes every day. Once he said that I should get up at 5 am every morning and make him coffee, as a result we had a big fight and he was outraged that I did not agree to this. And I, madly in love, turned a blind eye to everything.
One evening he drank heavily, and I tried to stop him, because he was very drunk. This made him very angry, and he said that he would hit me. At that moment, my world collapsed. The man whom I loved more than life and who seemed to me the most beautiful in the world, in one moment turned into a monster. After this phrase, tears poured out of my eyes, and I started to put on shoes to leave, he tried to stop me, but I still tried to leave, and in an instant he swung at me, pushed me out of the apartment and closed the door.
I wandered the streets at night, crying, and did not know what to do next. I understood that it was worth leaving him, that sooner or later he would turn to action, but I could not imagine my life without him. I returned home at night when he was sleeping, and in the morning he went to work. I started looking for another apartment and money, because I didn’t have my own. He called me all day and I finally answered. He began to beg for forgiveness and repeat that he loves me more than life and this will never happen again. He promised to code when I said I was leaving. He begged me to wait for him from work so that we could talk. I waited, he arrived with flowers and began to beg for forgiveness, repeating how much he loves me.
As a result, I forgave, but on the condition that he no longer drinks. He lasted 2 weeks, and began to drink again, but could not leave him, because he constantly repeated how he loves me, and it seemed to me that everything would change, because in the beginning everything was perfect. And indeed, his rigidity and coldness were replaced by periods of crazy love, when he did everything possible for me. These sweet periods gave me hope that everything would work out.
Just not a wedding
One February day, he called me from work and stunned me with the phrase “We have a wedding in April.” He just decided to put me before the fact. I reminded that the wedding will not be earlier than in a year. As a result, we quarreled, he began to say, which means I don’t love him, and I began to feel guilty. He decided that the wedding should be in April and nothing else.
After his grievances, I agreed, called my relatives, and had to go to choose a wedding dress. But, I began to understand that I was afraid, terribly afraid. All these days I cried for no reason, but I could not admit to myself that I was afraid to connect my life with this person, although I love him more than life itself. At that time, I was registering for exams, because I was going to enter the university. The decisive moment was his phrase “You should think about the wedding and about me, and not about your studies.” As a result, with tears in my eyes, I told him that I was not ready and offered to postpone the wedding. He was furious, we quarreled for a long time, he blamed me for everything, but reconciled.
Our relationship worsened every day, I began to notice that he constantly criticized me, and demanded that I listen to him in everything. He never learned to consider my opinion, he simply confronted me with a fact when he decided something. The conversations about children also continued, but I kept saying that it was still early and I was not ready. One day he got tired of waiting for my readiness, and during sex he just finished inside, knowing that I would be against it. My shock and indignation angered him, he began to repeat that if I loved him, I would be glad and would like to get pregnant from him. He began to accuse me of not loving him. I thought about taking an emergency contraceptive pill, but the thought that we might have a baby stopped me. I still dreamed about it, and left everything to chance.
The pregnancy did not come, and I breathed a sigh of relief, because during these couple of weeks of waiting, the relationship was rapidly deteriorating. He constantly made remarks to me that reached the point of absurdity. He could yell at me for sighing loudly or for not removing the bottle from the table. I didn’t understand what was happening, and tried to understand why he treats me like that, to which I heard one answer: “You just take everything too close to your heart, it’s you who has changed, but I love you like no one else, don’t you see it “. And every time I thought that the problem was probably in me, and that it seemed to me and I screwed myself up. He blamed me for everything, and I believed that it was my fault.
When his reproaches became regular, I shared it with a friend. And he opened my eyes, explaining that all this is not normal, and he absolutely does not respect and does not love me. I was simply trampled, because my love for him was boundless. But I began to realize that from the fairy tale that was at the beginning, there was nothing left but words about love.
One day he said that he had arranged to transfer to his hometown earlier and we would be moving soon. The realization that I would have to move with him to a strange city scared me crazy. During one of the quarrels, he said that if I didn’t cook for him, then he didn’t need me, and also that he would live by his own rules, and he didn’t care about my opinion. To my indignation that at the beginning of the relationship he spoke in a completely different way, he replied: “You never know what I said.” And here I was convinced that this is not at all the person he pretended to be initially. It was a painful disappointment, because all this time I believed that he was my destiny.
The decision was not easy
Between the decision to disperse and the day when we broke up, almost a month passed. Seeing him, I could not say these words. But the approaching day of the move sobered me, because when I imagined a future life with him, I realized that I did not want such a life. When I said that we were breaking up, he did not believe. There was a week left before the move, and he was sure that I would change my mind.
I cried for days and nights, but I understood that I needed to hold on and not return to him. I was helped by friends who supported me and were in touch. He left, but a few more tried to get everything back. After the breakup, I felt worthless. I missed him madly, and was ready to break loose and go to him, but my friend stopped me. Until the moment when I completely came to my senses and forgot him, 1.5 years passed, and only then I realized that he was just an abuser, and I had not love at all, but a real addiction.