If two people turn to a psychotherapist, one of whom is aware of the cause of his problem, and the other does not see it point-blank, will their therapy be different? Of course, it will, because patients are at different levels of awareness and readiness for treatment. The same applies to jealousy because it can be different, as well as the attitude towards it. Accordingly, it is unlikely that there is one method for eliminating a negative feeling for all its types. How to get rid of jealousy, knowing about this difference? How to get rid of jealousy and understand the degree of its objectivity?
Determination of the causes of jealousy.
There are always pretexts for the emergence of jealousy. However, some of them are based on objective factors, real external stimuli, while others are based solely on subjectivism. The first includes situations in which:
- a loved one is openly flirting with someone;
- he stopped paying attention to his partner;
- he has already cheated (even if in a past relationship);
- noticeable abrupt changes have occurred in him, for which there are no obvious reasons;
- in a couple, groundless quarrels suddenly began to become more frequent and intensify.
In these cases, we can talk about justified jealousy, because they pose a direct threat to the union. A jealous person who does not have the listed reasons for unrest experiences negative emotions not from objective considerations. He “feels” like he is being cheated on or wants to leave him, on an intuitive level. He cannot clearly explain why these experiences arise. Often, his suspicions appear under the influence of negative emotions of a different nature – boredom, irritability, sadness, envy.
If in the first case a jealous person can be reassured by logical arguments in favor of partner fidelity, then in the second it will be useless. The most common reasons for such subjectivity are:
Methods of dealing with jealousy depend on whether it is motivated or not. If you confuse them, then at best the result will be minimal, at worst, the problem will worsen.
How to get rid of jealousy and understand the degree of its objectivity?
How to get rid of justified jealousy?
1. Discuss the problem with a partner.
The ability to negotiate and generally calmly discuss difficulties in a relationship is one of the most important skills in any union. Sometimes all it takes to clear up a mistrust situation is just talking about it. It is possible that the partner himself does not understand how much pain his beloved person brings with his behavior. For example, he does not consider his actions flirting or has a poor idea of how his actions and words look from the outside.
In any case, it is advisable to inform your couple about their own unpleasant experiences and the reasons for their occurrence. It is also important to give the opportunity to a loved one to explain himself, to hear his / her point of view on specific situations. A heart-to-heart conversation will also get rid of misunderstandings, determine if ridiculous coincidences are involved in it. For example, a person may “pull back”, become more secretive, because he is preparing a surprise and does not want to be revealed ahead of time.
2. Accept jealousy.
Jealousy, especially with an objective reason, is a normal emotion that should not be ashamed. This is a signal that something has gone wrong in the relationship or in the personality itself. If you ignore this feeling, the situation will not improve on its own, and the suppression of suspicion will only result in new difficulties.
The first step is to recognize jealousy and accept it. There is no point in beating yourself up for the negativity you are experiencing or avoiding it. From this, it only accumulates and runs the risk of turning into hysteria, chronic neurosis, or depression. To reduce the intensity of emotions, you can share doubts with your best friend or change the environment to understand yourself and understand what to do next. As soon as the storm inside subsides a little, and the head clears up, it is advisable to return to the first point – to discuss the problem with a partner.
3. Look at everything soberly.
If disturbing thoughts continually come to mind, it is better to deal with them immediately. The task may seem quite difficult. Either the unknown is frightening, or the risk of encountering something very unpleasant. However, after analyzing fears, suspicions, it will become a little easier, clarity will appear.
To look at your jealousy soberly, you need the courage to be a mature person. Ignoring reality means avoiding problems, being infantile and irresponsible. No one can solve the problem, except for the jealous person himself. He is faced with a choice – close his eyes, forget, pretend that everything is fine, or still analyze the situation, take a step towards reconciliation, overcoming the crisis.
Husband stopped sleeping at home without explanation? Did your wife suddenly start, as if on purpose, to provoke scandals and look for reasons for criticism? Complete calm in bed? Kissing on the side? Erotic correspondence? This is not the norm. This is an occasion to at least discuss everything.
4. Avoid games.
The worst thing you can do with jealousy is turn it into a revenge game. “If he flirts with others, then so will I.” “If she began to devote less time to me, then I will deprive her of my attention altogether.” This is the reaction of an offended teenager who chooses the easiest way possible. It’s easier to be unfaithful than to admit your relationship problems and go to a therapist. It’s easier to pull away than it is to start a serious, heavy, but rewarding conversation to reach a new level of intimacy.
New mistakes will not bring relief. The role of “bitch of all bitches” or “king of ardent revenge” is a sure way to lose yourself, break off relationships, ruin your reputation, in the end. And if the reasons for jealousy turn out to be just a misunderstanding, and not treason? How then to justify their misdeeds, committed in a zealous outburst?
How to get rid of jealousy and understand the degree of its objectivity?
5. Visit the office of a family psychologist.
If the risk of losing a partner is really justified, it is important to find out if he himself has the desire to correct the situation. Without this desire, the efforts of a jealous person alone will, alas, not be enough. If a person is unwilling or not ready to work on their mistakes together, it will be easier to let them go. The future with him will result only in the constant submission of the jealous victim to his antics or quarrels. The smartest and most effective way to improve relationships is to book a consultation with a family psychologist.
The reaction of the partner to this proposal already speaks volumes. Does he react violently, stubbornly refuses? There is reason to doubt the sincerity of his desire to restore everything. However, you can give him a chance if he does not want to go to a specialist, but offers to solve the problem together. At the same time, he voices a specific plan, and does not get off with general phrases. In this case, it is better to agree: if the situation does not improve in a month / six months, a trip to a psychologist will become mandatory. This will be the golden mean.
How to deal with unmotivated jealousy?
1. Stop comparing yourself.
A jealous attitude can be caused by poor self-esteem, which makes you compare yourself to others and constantly lose to them. Moreover, the partner himself may not commit ambiguous acts at all, remain 100% faithful. However, the jealous person will still suspect him simply because he is among people of the opposite sex.
To solve such a problem, you have to stop yourself every time you want to mentally “compete” with someone. It is important to understand your exclusivity and stop measuring personal qualities, traits by other people’s standards or achievements. In addition, it is better to immediately understand: the victories of other people do not diminish their own merits, but more often they have nothing to do with them at all. If a partner talks about someone’s positive aspects, this does not mean that he blames everything on his loved one.
2. Control jealousy.
Zealous thoughts in the head can and should be controlled. If they are really groundless, and there is no objective evidence of the partner’s infidelity, it is better to be distracted from such thoughts. Perhaps they arise due to boredom, then it is enough to find a hobby that will cheer you up, take up all your free time. It will also create new tasks, goals, topics for conversation, expand the circle of acquaintances.
How else to control jealousy? Talk about it with a partner, but not in a reproachful, but in a trusting manner, as a way to share sore points. It is even better to go to a psychologist and find the cause of the negative experience in your past.
Pass the jealousy test
3. Recall your virtues.
In every person there is something for which you can love him, something to admire, something to adopt. It is important to find these sides and constantly remind yourself of them. Daily affirmations near the mirror help someone: “I am beautiful”, “I am smart”, “I am creative”, “I love myself”, “I deserve the best”, etc. Others map their character traits so that the pros outweighed the cons. Still others ask friends for support, compliments. All methods are good, the main thing is that they are comfortable.
If you can’t find your merits, there are too few of them, and all the pluses seem insignificant, the whole point is not in the low importance of a person, but in his self-perception. There is only one solution – a consultation with a psychologist.
4. Direct fantasy in the right direction.
The jealous person has a very rich imagination. And this is good, but only if you can redirect your imagination to something pleasant or useful. Jealous people can really write books, comics, fanfiction. Why not pour your experiences and creative impulses into art?
Firstly, it will distract from unpleasant thoughts. Secondly, such a step will make a person more interesting to others (another way to fall in love with your partner again). Thirdly, this is a new hobby, a way of self-expression, the next stage of self-development. Sewing costumes, drawing pictures with your fingers, wood-burning, sculpting polymer clay jewelry, blogging, creating dishes from exotic products – the choice is very large.
5. “Filter” the social circle.
Girlfriends who talk only about “husbands-goats-traitors.” Friends with a one-time negative experience from the past who believe that all women are witches and bitches. Colleagues at work who are proud of their trips to the side and describe in detail every step. Friends who say “she’s definitely cheating on you”, “your horns no longer fit in the apartment”, “100% he started an affair.” Are these people really important enough to keep around or listen to their gossip, fiction, and fearsome warnings?
Such conversations really put pressure, scare, make you look around with fear, and suspect your partner.
- “Is he (a) cheating on me? And then Lucy/Vasya also started like this.”
- “What if her/his refusal to do the dishes today is a sign of infidelity? Somewhere he (a) washes it.
- “What if he didn’t get stuck in a traffic jam, and had fun with his mistress for half an hour?”
- “A second cousin is not a cousin. We need to check what these relatives are doing there.
If it is not possible to weed out such instigators, it is better to at least limit communication with them or learn how to skillfully change topics.
How to get rid of jealousy? First you have to understand its nature, the reasons for its occurrence, the degree of manifestation. If this feeling arises without provocation from the partner, we are talking about baseless jealousy. And the methods of dealing with it will differ from those used with motivated emotions. If these categories are confused, the effectiveness of getting rid of negative experiences will be less, and the jealous person will continue to suffer, destroying his relationship.
How to get rid of jealousy and understand the degree of its objectivity?
