How to improve relations with the mother-in-law – advice from a psychologist? If communication with your mother-in-law is a real torment, and you go to the common holidays like hard labor in order to maintain the picture of an ideal family, I have great news for you. About the same as the terpet and the street where it is not.
Thinking about your inner comfort and building healthy boundaries, you will not become a bad wife and daughter-in-law. You just need to do it right.
How to influence the relationship between the mother-in-law and the husband?
Here the answer is categorical – no way. Of course, in some cases, wives manage to change the attitude of the second half to their mothers. Sometimes even set up categorically against it – completely “repel” the mother-in-law from her husband. No plus from such a result are doubtful. In the case of minor words:
- you become the instigator and even the author of a family conflict;
- there will be an inner feeling (maybe unconscious) that the husband is a driven person, who, if necessary, can be turned in the right direction from the outside;
- since you were able to turn your spouse against your mother, it means that someone can also influence him in other matters;
- any meeting with the mother-in-law and even a fleeting intersection will bring severe psychological discomfort;
- the situation will also negatively affect the children who have become unwitting witnesses of what is happening.
Therefore, do not try to control the relationship between the mother-in-law and the husband. It’s up to you to do it in one of two little places. If you want to see it, you should do it on your own.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and personal time. If the husband wants to dedicate it to his mother, this should not offend you. Try to understand that he has completely different love and attitude towards you and his parents.
Even if the mother-in-law offended you, but the husband continues to communicate with her, this does not mean at all that he supports the mother’s wrong behavior and shares her opinion. You don’t need to say that you react to it.
If a man stood up for you in the process of an unpleasant dialogue, clearly outlined the boundaries, and only after that continued communication – this is a normal situation. Questions to him will appear only in the absence of a reaction to offensive words and, moreover, support for insults.
In the relationship between your mother-in-law and your husband, you can only influence the amount of their communication, if it interferes with some family affairs, your plans. For example, when a spouse unexpectedly decides to spend the weekend for which you have long planned a trip for a Gordita, Homerod.
How to defeat the mother-in-law?
To avoid such spontaneous statements that are uncomfortable for you, agree to always discuss other things. And be sure to make decisions together.
How to keep the mother-in-law away from the family?
And here is a similar situation. If that is the case, it is not necessary to do so. It is possible that, despite all the shortcomings of the mother-in-law and your difficult communication with her, she is a good grandmother.
Or, even if he makes mistakes, on the whole he sincerely loves his grandchildren, wants to spend time with them. In order not to spoil the relationship between all family members because of your own grievances, act carefully in this matter.
Since the last word that comes up, it is possible to have one with the baby. And try not to influence this decision with accusatory comments, stories about her mistakes in relation to you. And even more so with the phrase: “She offended me so much, but do you still love her / want to see her?”.
Better help the children find common topics to communicate with their grandmother. Analyze what advantages the mother-in-law has, what she is able to give them (and you too):
- Perhaps the Mother Spouse cooks well, studies Literature and Russianism, knows everything about the life of the ancient Slavs, or at least the genealogy of her own family of her own family. Let this be the only available topic for conversation, but it will allow you to comfortably spend time together.
- Many grandmothers pleasantly surprise with the ability to talk with children, lure them into various activities, and find a common ground. The topics of such conversations can be the most banalnymi. About nature, weather, interesting people and events.
- Sometimes in a conversation it is possible to find out that the mother-in-law has long dreamed of trying some new business. For example, grow a flower on the windowsill, learn to embroider, make dishes from clay. This topic can be made the same general neutral. It will allow you to quietly exist nearby for some time and give gifts that you will definitely like, will not be discussed in a negative way (if such a problem exists).
- If the mother-in-law spends a lot of time at home, is engaged in its comfort and arrangement, in these interests it is also possible to find something useful for her grandchildren. For example, invite the child to ask his grandmother to teach him how to sew clothes, take care of flowers, or. Such knowledge will be useful in the future and will become an occasion for productive communication between the mother-in-law and grandchildren.
Any topics with training should be chosen only if the mother-in-law shares her knowledge and experience with joy and without toxic advice, aggressive criticism. If you have noticed such features of her before, then for communication in the family it is better to leave the most neutral topics.
What to do if the mother-in-law often visits your house?
In the topic of the mother-in-law and the house of the daughter-in-law, you can find a huge number of dubious beliefs. Like: “Ona mat tvoego muzha, you must invite her to visit.”
To the extent that it is not possible to regulate it so that it is possible to use it. Leave this question to them. But you have every right to invite to your home only the one you want. This also applies to communication.
Start by building boundaries. Only the very first one will be difficult: “Thank you, Marivanna, and we really like this sofa. We always choose furniture without listening to other people’s comments. And then things will go like clockwork.
The main thing is to exclude rudeness and aggression in your answers. Feel free to say that you have long decided on your style of dress, house cleaning schedule, family menu and consider further discussion of these topics a waste of time. And to the comments about the incorrect treatment of children, you can always answer that it takes place under the strict supervision of a specialist whom you completely trust.
If there are problems that are unrelated to the state, to and on the subject:
- To begin with, voice that you are always uncomfortable with abrupt changes in your plans for the day.
- Ask your mother-in-law to warn you in advance of your desire to visit each time.
- Repeat your request several times. Persistently and calmly.
In the most extreme case, it is appropriate to simply stop opening the door during a visit without a preliminary call. Explanations like: “I slept with headphones”, “I listened to a training course loudly” and so on will help here.
Gradually, it will be possible to significantly reduce the number of uninvited visits. And make them as convenient and comfortable as possible for you.
When building a difficult relationship for you with your mother-in-law, remember: you should not communicate with her forcibly. Your task is just not to force your husband and common children to cut off contact with his mother. Engage in strengthening personal boundaries, take care of your inner comfort. Over time, you will be able to find the most convenient format for communicating with your mother-in-law and stick to it.