How to move away from a divorce with your husband quickly and painlessly – advice from a psychologist? Modern science tends to think that humans are, by nature, serially monogamous. It is common for our species to create several long-term alliances throughout life. However, when entering into marriage, a woman believes that this is “the one”, and men too. But, today, the statistics are disappointing – every second marriage is doomed to divorce. How to survive a divorce and recover?
Why is it so hard to get over a divorce?
It happens that initially the choice was made incorrectly. Be, it’s a couple could not come to a compromise, be be informational circumstances. Sometimes a couple realizes that the union has become obsolete – there are no emotions left and the opportunity to move on hand in hand.
Even if the divorce was a mutual desire, it is still difficult to reconcile with it, because this decision is always followed by serious changes that cause fear. In marriage, it seemed that your life with your husband was completely scheduled, you have common friends, life, hobbies, even goals – together you planned a vacation, a move, even how you would meet old age.
Giving it all up requires a complete re-evaluation of your lifestyle, future plans and perspectives.
There are several conditions under which it is more difficult to survive a divorce:
- suddenness – if you did not have the opportunity to prepare, weigh all the pros and cons, you did not have time to adapt to what happened;
- not your initiative – If the husband simply put you before the fact of his leaving the family, this could cause a state of shock and “knock the ground out from under your feet”;
- continued communication – if, due to circumstances, you have to continue to communicate with your ex-husband;
- early marriage – if you did not have the skill of independent living and you immediately got into a new family from your parents, shifting part of the responsibility for your life to your husband;
- dependence on a partner – it can be both material and psychological.
Even if you have one of these 4 cases, it does not mean that there are no ways to safely overcome this difficult period and start a new life. After all, divorce is, of course, a crisis, but only through crisis states can a person reach a new qualitative level both in personal self-development and in life.
How to survive a divorce?
In order to overcome this difficult period, to go through it qualitatively, in order to end up in a resourceful state, full of self-confidence, it is important to put things in order in 4 areas of life:
- in your feelings;
- in your environment;
- in your thoughts;
- for your purposes.
How to deal with feelings?
Divorce is the loss of a significant part of your life, so you will go through 5 stages of acceptance: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. No one can determine how long this or that stage will last. Everything depends only on you.
Life after divorce
Don’t let others tell you how to react. Phrases like “you put too much importance on it”, “stop walking around with a sad face” and so far growling. You have every right to experience any emotions. It is important to allow yourself to cry and get angry – this is a completely normal reaction. Containment will lead to “getting stuck” at one stage or another, which can lead to intrapersonal conflict and confusion.
If there is such a need, write down all your feelings, analyze them. Are they only negative? Or is there also relief, a sense of freedom, perhaps curiosity?
How to deal with the environment?
During the divorce process and after it, it is very important that close people are next to you. Those with whom you can talk, deal with your fears, talk about doubts. The main thing is that these people support you, and not give advice or throw phrases “I told you so.” No boy is enough to do the blue eyes, so that they are in the emotional state of the earth, care, support. Quietly ask them not to give advice if you don’t need it.
Communication with friends and family is important especially on weekends and holidays. After all, you used to spend your free time with your husband. And it is at such moments that longing can pile up. No try to look at this situation from the other side.
If you are able to test it by yourself, you may not be able to understand it. Is it possible to see it in the restaurant, theater, and you want it now in the center of the year, and not in the house? Perhaps now is the time to do what you dreamed of.
Limit your communication with people who will condemn you, blame or persuade you to “make peace with your husband.” No, it’s true that the resources on that, are in that – that’s what it is. Just say that you are not ready to talk about it now or refuse to contact these people for a while.
Immediately after a divorce, you should not try to start a new serious relationship, because for this you need to come into a state of harmony. But making new friends, expanding the circle of friends is only welcome. New people will help you “recharge” with positive EMOtions.
How to deal with thoughts?
Try to analyze your thoughts. It is best to write them out so as not to let them slip away. Write everything that is spinning in your head as an obsession. There, for sure, there will be many fears and negative attitudes. You may have a fear of loneliness, a fear that you will not be able to adapt to change, a fear of condemnation from the environment, a fear of losing material support.
Consider each of them. Try to evaluate them objectively. Think about what qualities and abilities you have to cope with each of the problems? Where can you find support?
How to deal with goals?
Since you are starting a new period in your life, it’s time to set new goals that do not depend on your husband and his desires. Think what do you want? Imagine your ideal life in 5 or 10 years. What do you have? What have you achieved? What brings you joy? Divorce is a time to remember the dreams you once gave up. Formulate a clear, realistically achievable goal based on them. Make a plan and take the first step.
Planning and realizing what you are moving towards will give your life a sense of stability and return stability and return security and confidence in your strength.
Where to look for resources?
During a crisis, it is important to receive positive emotions and not let your thoughts dwell on the negative. Therefore, communicate more with positive people, restore old contacts with friends. Think about your hobbies, creative pursuits, play sports and spend more time on spirit wagon. Start doing something new, read books, sign up for trainings. Volunteering, watching comedy films helps a lot – this gives a lot of positive em.
It is important to continue to live life to the fullest, to please yourself, to praise every day. Be grateful for yourself and those around you. When you feel that “the world has not collapsed”, you can look at your divorce from a new angle, understand that in addition to losses, you have gained something new. You will see how much stronger and happier you have become.