How to save relationships and keep them after a quarrel? If you want to maintain family happiness and are ready to change and grow above yourself, there are 10 rules that will help a couple to abandon destructive communication, learn to hear each other, understand, thereby saving relationships even on the verge of parting. What is needed for this?
A person is used to focusing on the bad. Most people most often remember moments when they experienced shame, defeat, separation and pain.
That is how evolution has decreed. To survive, the brain more easily remembers information about a real or imaginary threat so that a similar situation does not happen again. Therefore, for an adult, focusing on the negative is quite normal.
Weisch A., Grossmann T. and Woodward A., published in 2008 by a detailed description and published as results in Psychological Bulletin.
But such a position prevents a person from enjoying life.
When the stage of falling in love passes, resentment, quarrels, discontent appear in a couple, and all the partner’s shortcomings are visible at a glance, a person has obsessive thoughts. He begins to notice only the bad in his second rug.
Then, as good, it is no longer worth attention, because it is taken for granted. And such an approach can cross out even the deepest feelings that partners had for each other.
But a person can consciously shift the focus of attention. For this you need:
- notice when you think badly about your partner;
- remember that this is just a habit of focusing on the bad;
- consciously remember something good about your partner.
Think about what he did for you, how much he gives, remember why you fell in love with him.
This will not only improve your mood, but also help to pump positive thinking. You will think less about what is wrong with your relationship, and more about how much they give you and nask. This will be a good motivation to keep this relationship.
Give up excuses
Instead of taking the “it’s not my fault” attitude, partners who want to stay together should stop making excuses. Be careful when you say that you want to give it a try.
How to save relationships and make them happy?
If you and two partners treat energy on your own, you should not have any problems.
Ask for forgiveness
A person is taught to do this from childhood, but in a relationship it is sometimes more difficult to do than after a broken vase. Now in your own house, you are ready to proselytize.
Usually, either the partner forces this, or the person himself says these words insincerely, as if doing a favor, crossing his arms over his chest, that is, showing with his whole appearance that inside he does not agree that he should apologize.
Give your partner a chance
If your man wants to fix everything, restore trust in a relationship, improve your communication, you need to give him a tanus. If you want to stay with this person, you need to find the strength in yourself to stop remembering all past quarrels, grievances, problems.
If during a conflict you bombard each other with claims from the past, putting them, like bonuses, into the piggy bank of your rightness, you are moving away from the main thing – from solving the problem that exists here and now.
Everything that was in the past cannot be changed. No to, if you are aware of it, let it be by the wall.
Introduce new rules
If the relationship deteriorated, then something went wrong in them. Some communication patterns don’t work. So it is necessary to create new ones. If the practice is that in this case:
- do not ignore the partner;
- not to be offended, defiantly falling silent and leaving for another room;
- do not run to your mother or friends to complain about your partner;
- honestly but calmly voice why you are currently experiencing negative emotions;
- talk about your wants and needs;
- give a positive emotional response to his actions – praise, thank, show your joy and appreciation.
Follow the 3 to 1 rule
Martial Losada, studying the effectiveness of teamwork, came to the conclusion that if you want to achieve a positive result, for every negative remark that you say to your partner, you need to give 3 positive ones.
Praise and compliments are a better motivator than punishment and criticism – this was proved by B. Skinnerom. No it is not necessary. As the same studies showed, if there are more than 7 compliments for 1 remark, this will lead to fallenif to fallenif.
To understand what manner of communication a couple is accustomed to, You can count how many times a day the partners criticize each other, and how many they praise. And then try to change this ratio so that it matches the Losada coefficient.
Rest away from each other
Try not to “Hang” on each other, communicate more with friends, relatives, find hobbies that will help you restore resources. By abstracting from each other, you can look at the situation from the outside and reduce the degree of intensity of emotions.
Stay close to the partner
When you argue, make claims to each other, your attention is focused on your desires. To better understand your partner, try to put yourself in his shoes. Try to see the situation through his eyes, guess how he feels.
Think about it, and then say frankly: “Probably, when I did this, you felt that …” So you will take the partner’s side, allow him to open up to you. On will feel that he is heard and understood and he will try to understand you.
Talk for real
To do this, do not attack each other, but calmly:
- say what does not suit each of you;
- clarify why this is happening, try to understand the partner’s feelings;
- explain why it is important for you to change it;
- make a joint decision – do not put ultimatums, but negotiate, look for a compromise.
Sometimes it can be difficult to do all 4 steps, because even in the early stages, para turns negotiations into a quarrel.
To avoid this, try to approach the issue differently and turn it into a game. Whoever raises their voice first loses. Establish what the loser will have to do. Take the winner to a restaurant, cook him dinner, etc.
Start with yourself
Attempts to remake a partner usually do not lead to anything good. On the contrary, it is one of the factors that leads to separation. Therefore, it is better to start not with a partner, but with yourself.
If you managed to speak frankly, you already know what is important to him, what he wants. Take the first step towards the man you love. Try to quarrel less, cheer him up more, show attention. Let him know how important your relationship is to you.
If a man loves, on will definitely begin to adapt to you. Your peace-loving attitude will allow him to weaken his defense mechanisms, make concessions, admit his wrong. He will try to fix everything. And in a relationship, intimacy, trust and love will return.