How to stop being possessive and get rid of the feeling of possessiveness? By nature, man is selfish. Although in our society selfishness is considered something bad. From childhood we say to the child: do not be selfish, give in, share with your sister, with your brother, with your friend, with your mother. Imagine a child has his favorite toy. The one that now, at this moment, he really likes. He wants to have it because it is his toy, his property.
Then another boy comes up and asks for this toy. And the child finds himself in a rather difficult situation: either give the toy away or keep it for yourself. If he decides to keep her for himself, he immediately faces the condemnation of significant adults for him. Of course, first of all, mothers. We understand from childhood that it is wrong to be selfish.
Difference from selfishness
Growing up with this attitude, many people feel ashamed if they do something for themselves. A woman, especially if she is a mother or wife, is ashamed to spend time, money, resources on herself. Self-development, activities that she likes, even loafing – it’s all somehow not very right, selfish.
Because of that, it isn’t so close to that date, that it is for a small reason. She lives for herself. And for whom should you live? Unlike selfishness, sacrifice has always been encouraged by others. When a child, so with tears in his eyes, gives the last candy to another boy, it causes and in those around him.
He is praised, he receives his dose of attention and strokes, His self-esteem rises and strengthens Him in the status of a “good” Boy or girl.
And what about the sense of ownership
Selfishness and sacrifice are two whales on which a sense of ownership is built.
In a relationship, possessiveness is the desire to possess another person, to completely control him, his life, the people with whom he communicates, and even what he does. This is the desire to spend every minute of free time with him, because without him, without this other, a person is not.
Jealousy: the true source and deliverance
So store this is what you want. In practice, this is a non-negotiable egoism, it is, kak practice, you see street, you have it.
The root causes of possessiveness
As a rule, behind this is the fear of being turned away. This is usually the result of childhood trauma. In the past, there was some painful rejection from a significant person. An upbringing based on the coldness of the mother or father and, as a result, a sense of self-doubt and mistrust. Another reason may be the inability to respect personal boundaries.
The feeling of ownership is expressed in the fact that the partner:
- claims all the attention of another partner;
- experiencing a constant feeling of unreasonable jealousy;
- trying to completely control the life of another;
- Restricts any social contacts of the other (not only personal meetings, but also calls, correspondence, even “Likes” that the partner puts);
- does not recognize the right of his partner to have his own opinion, if it is not similar to his opinion;
- claims for all the time that the partner has;
- constantly accuses a partner of something, looks for or invents reasons for resentment and claims;
- does not respect personal boundaries (psychological and real).
All this is not a sign of “passionate” love, but simply unhealthy selfishness. This childish desire to possess a person as a thing, denying his free will, even denying his right to be a person, the right to experience the emotions that he experiences.
This kind of behavior doesn’t just happen between a man and a woman. Such relationships can develop between friends, parents, spouses, even work colleagues. Although the signs and causes of such relationships are the same.
One of them is in the position of unhealthy egoism, while the second is in the position of the victim. This is very important to understand. Relationships are always a story that involves two people. You cannot correct the behavior of one without correcting the behavior of the other.
What if your partner is constantly possessive?
- abandon the position of the victim;
- don’t let him make you feel guilty;
- defend your boundaries;
- replace the word “should” with the word “want”.
If you find yourself in such a relationship, the first thing you can do is to abandon the position of the victim. Renounce what society has taught you: be patient, do the right thing, don’t be selfish, share. Share your time, your attention, your freedom. Staying in this position, you further strengthen the partner’s sense of ownership.
Remember that even if you are a couple, even if you are one family, this does not mean that you have ceased to be an independent free person who has the right to a social life, to work, to hobbies, and even to free time, which you can manage according to to your own discretion. You should not feel guilty about wanting to exercise your rights. You have to give yourself the right to be selfish, the right to love yourself, take care of yourself, and do what you want.
Always stand up for your boundaries and replace the word “should” with the word “want.” This is the most important practical skill to master. Every moment ask yourself: what do I want now? I want to be with him? Or do I want to meet my parents, friends, colleagues? Or maybe I want to be alone?
Until you get out of the position of the victim, your partner’s attitude towards you will not change, no matter what trainings he takes and no matter how much you talk about it. Changing your attitude is the best help you can give yourself and your partner.
What to do with your sense of ownership?
The feeling of possessiveness will sooner or later destroy any relationship. If you value this relationship, if you want to continue it, if you see your future with this person and are ready to work in order to maintain this relationship, then the following steps will help you:
- Learn to trust. Every day, remind yourself that trust does not need to be earned, that it is the basis of any relationship. Do not project your unreasonable jealousy onto your partner, this will only push him away from you.
- Talk more about relationships. Be accusatory, not complain, speak in the format of “I-messages” about your feelings, fears and worries.
- Ask for help. First of all, with your partner. Let him help you cope with the feelings that you are experiencing. Team up with him.
- Boost your self-esteem. Go in for sports, self-development, take care of your body. Learn to love yourself and take care of yourself.
- Work through your deepest fears and needs. Analyze what past relationships are affecting your current relationships.
All this will help both of you deal with the problem of possessiveness, strengthen your relationship and move on with a sense of trust and love for each other.