How to stop loving someone if the feelings are very strong? Love is a Beautiful Thing. This is a bright and kind feeling that makes us better, makes the world around us better, and this is true. But it is also true that it is love that can cause the greatest pain. And another truth: the world is complex. Only in Shakespeare’s plays is love absolute and beautiful, and only external circumstances interfere with it.
In the real world, sometimes love has to be given up in order to be happier, like when your feelings are unrequited, or when your partner behaves in a way that makes life with them unhappy, depressing, perhaps even dangerous. And yes, it’s not easy. Why it is difficult and how to do it – you will find out here.
Why is it hard to fall in love with someone?
In fact, in addition to the social layer (“the myth of romantic love” as an invariable component of happiness, without which happiness is simply impossible), love affects the human body biochemically. As proved by B.D. Earp, O.A. Woodarchik, B. Foddy and J.
Savulescu in his study “Addicted to love: what is a love addiction and when should it be treated?”, love can be said to act like a drug and is addictive, because when you love someone, tons of dopamine enters your brain, oxytocin and serotonin.
These are the substances that induce feelings of trust, pleasure, and reward for effort—and, ironically, these same substances are also produced by the brain of, for example, a gamer. Sad irony.
That is why it is so hard to get rid of love, especially unhealthy, abusive love: the brain suffers without oxytocin and serotonin, which have already become habitual, and demands to return their source.
In addition, you and the person you want to fall out of love must have experienced moments of intimacy and trust, when you laughed and had fun together, made plans, cared for each other in moments of greatest vulnerability. This connection is difficult to break, and it is absolutely normal that you experience pain in the process.
Plus, social reasons are added and the need to build new habits, a new way of life, especially if the relationship with that person was long-term. You have to get used to the status of a “loner” again, get used to solving everyday issues on your own, and face the reaction of the environment to your breakup.
It all comes together and makes trying to stop loving someone so difficult. Please be sympathetic to your pain. There is no need to minimize it, pretend that it does not exist, and even more so, there is no need to be ashamed of it. She is, and that’s okay.
And below you will learn how to deal with it and throw out of the heart of a person who does not deserve to be there.
How to stop loving someone: five tips
- Be honest with yourself.
Take a sheet of paper or open any text editor. And write down all the reasons why you want to throw this person out of your heart. All the bad things he or she did to you, all the rude things he or she said, all broken promises, forgotten holidays—anything that makes “with him” (or her) worse than “without him” (or without her).
Try to be honest with yourself. Remembering this will be unpleasant, you will look for excuses for your partner – this is normal, this is called rationalization, you want to justify him (her) in order to maintain the status quo of your relationship, you want to find a rational reason, and so that it does not consist in “he is just like that the person treats me that way.” But this must be acknowledged.
Later, when you want to return to him (or her), you can reread this text and remember why the decision was made to end this relationship.
It won’t instantly cut off attachment to that person, not at all. But it will help you understand what your relationship really is, and by looking at it from this new, more rational perspective, you can make your feelings lessen or change.
- Recognize the good that was between you.
Yes, this is also an important step. If now you are at the stage of trying to stop loving someone, you are probably trying to downplay the significance of this person for you, to decide that his influence on your life is negligible, which is absolutely unimportant whether you were together or not, and therefore it does not matter that you no longer together.
This is not true. Any relationship, even a short one, affects its participants. This person may have changed your worldview, shown you a new movie that you now love, taught you a new hobby, made you drink coffee that you now like. It was. It matters. You had good moments together. Allow yourself to remember them all, allow yourself to recognize their significance…
To then let go.
Yes, it was. Yes, it was beautiful, and it brought you happiness. But this does not change the fact that these relationships are destroying you, and that you do not need them. Yes, you’ve had good moments – in the past. But there, in the past, they remained, but now everything has changed. Remember those beautiful moments and let them stay where they belong – in memories. In memories that should not influence your decisions in the future and now.
It can be painful to admit it. Feeling pain is normal, don’t beat yourself up about it. This does not negate the significance of the reasons that led you to the decision to stop loving this person. Please remember this.
- Talk to someone.
Perhaps now you want to hide in the darkest corner of all and stay there forever, ideally covered with a bag of potatoes. This is fine. But now it’s better not to be alone – loneliness destroys, makes you cook again and again in these experiences.
So talk to someone you trust and who you know won’t judge you. Verbalization of feelings relieves the burden on the psyche and helps to understand that the absolutely right decision was made.
If parting is given to you quite painfully, it is absolutely normal, correct and wise to turn to a psychologist. During this period, you may experience symptoms of depression as you experience loss. This is a natural process and the help of a professional here can make your life much easier.
- Keep in mind that this may take some time.
To fall out of love with someone is not to flip a toggle switch and “that’s it, I don’t love it anymore.” Getting over feelings for someone, letting go of that person, takes time. Allow yourself to go through all the stages of acceptance without being judged by the pace at which you walk this path. No matter how long, what matters is the end result: control over your feelings and your life.
- Think about the future.
The decision to break off these relationships and destroy these feelings was not taken lightly. Those feelings hurt you, didn’t they? Made you feel bad. But now that this relationship and this person are in the past, turn your thoughts to the future.
What is waiting for you now? You can independently manage your destiny, do what you have long dreamed of. There are so many opportunities ahead, so many roads, so many people you can fall in love with… And after a while, against the backdrop of all these new opportunities, your new life, the old pain and old feelings will fade forever. Remember this, and let this thought calm you down.
Please take care of yourself during this difficult time. Give yourself time to be kind and understanding. And remember that the sea is full of other fish. Good luck! How to stop loving someone if the feelings are very strong?