How to survive a divorce or a new life in a new quality? Divorce. A terrible and unpleasant word. Many people are afraid of it, they try to avoid it, they make a lot of efforts to maintain the illusion of well-being. And all this in order not to be face to face with the most negative option for the development of relations.
How to survive a divorce or a new life in a new quality?
Reasons for divorce
There are as many reasons for divorce as there are people living together. But there are absolutely classic examples and standard situations. For the most part, they are the root causes of breakups.
This is a classic. It is rare that someone dares, and is simply able to forgive betrayal. Those who are going to, no matter what, save the marriage, go through 9 circles of hell. Here and doubts, and fears, and self-doubt, and depression. Basically, they forgive in two cases: unearthly love and material dependence. There is a third option, but for the most part it’s just a subsection of the second. This is the case when the partner himself lives a double life. Unearthly love is able to forgive everything: treason, vile habits, such as alcoholism or drug addiction, humiliation and insults. It is difficult to say what drives a person when he forgives everything. But, as a rule, such love is just an illusion. Of course, provided that such patience looks more like a “victim syndrome”.
If we talk about love as such, then it is able to change a person, it is able to make him better, to nurture a reciprocal feeling. If this did not happen, then talking about it is at least stupid. That is why the very fact of the existence of such a thing as treason does not exist: a person either loves or not. If the partner no longer experiences feelings, you should not accuse him of infidelity. Thus, having accepted the fact of treason, either the deceiver or the deceived acts as the initiator. The traitor leaves because he does not see the point and desire in continuing to stay together. The deceived does not want to put up with the fact of “betrayal” and cannot forgive lies. Accordingly, the couple divorced.
- Bad habits
The definition doesn’t sound as scary as what’s underneath it actually is. This includes everything that interferes with the cloudless existence of the family: alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling. Such problems carry a destructive energy, which not everyone is able to cope with, both on the part of the culprit and on the part of the sufferer. These habits can kill the strongest feeling. They drag everything with them: material problems, family health in the literal and figurative sense, reduce the development of children and break their fate. In some cases, we are talking about the elementary safety of others.
As a result, the culprit ends his existence according to two scenarios: he copes with the problem and straightens his life, or simply dies. In the first case, the preservation of the family is possible subject to the wisdom and patience of the partner. With the impossibility of struggle, its futility, divorce is the best solution.
This habit breaks the financial well-being of the family. Endless debts, lack of money, the impossibility of fulfilling one’s needs and the needs of the family, unsettles and does not allow one to calmly plan one’s life. Not only the material issue is under threat, the family is exposed to negativity from the outside: creditors will never forgive even the smallest debt. It is impossible to play well, and the players sink fabulous sums, driving their families into debt pits. Attempts to reason lead to nothing.
- Lack of love
When the feeling fades, most couples decide to divorce. If the partners do not have elementary respect left and nothing else binds them, then there is no point in further existence as a couple. In such a separation, there are only pluses, but more on that later.
Here are the main reasons for divorce. Of course, there are many more of them than it seems, but these are the most serious ones.
How to survive a divorce?
Before deciding to dissolve a marriage, you need to understand that you will have to gather all your will into a fist. Not the best times are coming, and “berries” began in the relationship. Psychologists say that in parting, a person goes through 5 stages:
- Negation. When a person faces a divorce face to face, he will definitely experience a shock. But this is a collective definition. It contains a lot of emotions: pain, resentment, anger, fear. After some time, the passions will subside, the person will accept the situation, but he will have a denial. At this moment, the feeling of emptiness just rolls over. It is useless to convince that it will improve, form, and return to normal. He definitely will not listen to all this soothing nonsense of loved ones. Its adequacy will definitely be questionable.
- Anger. Everyone goes through this stage. Some get stuck in it firmly and for a long time. Bouts of anger can simply go off scale. It must be borne in mind that breaking loose on your environment is bad manners. It should be understood that emotions are directed at a partner, and not like not at children, relatives or friends. With all this, a banal winding up occurs: all the jambs of the partner are remembered, the negative moments become much brighter, the understanding comes that time is hopelessly lost, and the best years have been spent. Such an attitude towards oneself can lead to prolonged depression, which will be very difficult to cope with.
- Self-flagellation. This is the most dangerous stage of all. It is the middle, the equator of the situation. Not everyone can step over it without loss, since comments from narrow-minded a la psychologists are flying from all sides, with a call to understand oneself. This is where the root of evil lies. You can get to the bottom of yourself to such an extent that sacredly believing in your own guilt will be a normal state. This can end very unpleasantly: an obsessive desire to contact a partner, the desire to correct some mistakes, start all over again. This is silly. It’s not even worth trying.
- Feeling of emptiness. The emptiness will come. She will sneak up unnoticed, but others will definitely notice isolation. Do not refuse the help of loved ones, because at first you can cope with the help of conversations. Then it will be much more difficult, but no one wants to spend several weeks in the neurosis department.
- Adoption. Oh, this long-awaited feeling of freedom, this breath of fresh air. Acceptance of the situation will come necessarily. There will be a feeling of unprecedented lightness. No wonder they say that time heals. All problems will no longer hang like a sword of Damocles and will no longer seem insoluble. The way of life will cease to be chaotic and will come in order. It’s worth the patience for this.
What to do “abandoned”?
Leaving is always easy. It is much more difficult to stay, especially with nothing. In order to avoid major changes in your life, you need to completely occupy yourself. You can’t lie on the couch and suffer quietly.
Yes, it’s a common hobby. It would seem, what kind of entertainment can we talk about if there is a certificate of divorce in front of our noses. But, life goes on, the sun shines the same, and everything else has not changed. In addition, there was freedom from obligations. At this moment, it is worth remembering your dreams: learning to play the piano, learning to waltz, or creating confectionery. There are so many interesting things around, but people do not notice all this solely because of household duties. But it’s so simple: tear your butt off the sofa and go to conquer new horizons.
- Second job
Workaholics who enjoy endless work can try to look for a second place of employment, well, or plunge headlong into the main activity. As long as a person is busy earning money, he is not in danger of depression. Work best copes with the task of healing from spiritual wounds.
Taking care of children allows you to get distracted very much. Moreover, you do not need to completely immerse yourself in the life of the heirs, just take a little more participation in their lives. But an attempt to live someone else’s life does not lead to the best results in overcoming the consequences of parting.
- Work on mistakes
Perhaps this is the most difficult task to be solved after a divorce. The thing is that many cannot look at themselves from the outside and form an objective opinion. You just need not to “chew” the words that the outgoing person threw, but try to soberly comprehend them. Reproaches and accusations, even thrown in the hearts, always have some underlying reason, a hidden meaning. Sometimes, for some individuals, it becomes a revelation that what was normal for them is unacceptable to the environment. If the forces are still found, then extracting the “roots from the equations” will serve as a good lesson for the future.
- New relationship
Of course, the best way to forget the old is to do everything new. In part, a fresh relationship can help you forget the past. But how appropriate is the choice? In any case, you should not shy away from new relationships. There are many examples in the world of how, not having time to move away from a divorce, people met others, and they managed to become much happier. It’s not difficult really. The whole problem lies in closing in on itself. Yes, it’s hard when they are thrown, and even exposed as guilty of the collapse of the family. But transferring fear and distrust to a completely different person is stupid. Who knows, maybe the new love will turn out to be the same, cherished?
What not to do after a divorce?
The most important thing that in no case should you do after a divorce is to withdraw into yourself. Life did not stop with the departure of a partner. He’s not dead, he’s alive and well. He just isn’t around anymore. But no one fell into prostration when a teenage friendship ended. You need to find the strength within yourself to move on. How and what to do with yourself, it was said above, but what can not be done?
- throw tantrums
Hysteria will not solve anything, it will only aggravate the situation. A person is already negatively inclined: he has a lot of claims, and among the main ones are character flaws. And then there’s the hysteria. She leaves no chance of returning, but adds disgust.
- Imposing communication
Worse, there are no endless tearful calls. This needs to be tied up. Another point is the children. One gets the impression that after a divorce, they fall into the epicenter of all the diseases of the world. At the same time, the spouse, and most often she remains “overboard”, begins to call endlessly: “sit with the children”, “nail a nail”, “take me to a circle” and “meet me from school”. Under no circumstances should this be done. First, constant requests are insanely annoying. Secondly, the person is gone, that’s it, he is gone, he has a different life! And it’s ugly to load it with everyday tasks, and pride begins to limp on all “paws”.
- Child manipulation
This is a classic abandoned wives. It does not matter how the spouse left, it is important that these are his children. And they should not suffer from the fact that the life of their parents did not work out. He is the third one. Therefore, the spouse has the right to full communication with the children. In addition, many ladies manage to cultivate negativity in the minds of children in relation to their father. The same applies to fathers, if the children stayed with them. It is impossible to forbid to see the second parent. Ideally, the heirs should not see the difference, except that now one of the parents lives separately.
As for men for that matter. Many fathers, after a divorce, minimize communication with their children. Yes, it is inherent in nature that the male may not take any part in the upbringing of children at all. But people are not animals. Born – be kind to take care.
- spreading rumors
To stoop to gossip is disgusting. Divorce has several stages. Among them is alienation and hatred. These two moments “eye freeze.” The result is sad: the most insignificant mistake of the departed partner takes the size of an elephant. Yes, I want to be sorry after the divorce, give a cookie and sweet tea. The dissemination of impartial information will allow you to get the support of society and the general censure of the “careless”. So “mouth shut” and no unnecessary talk. You have to be above it.
Divorce is hard work. You need to have both courage, and endurance, and prudence in order to decide on such an event. And if it happened, then you need to draw the right conclusions, and today become better than yesterday.
How to survive a divorce or a new life in a new quality?