How to understand that he has not forgotten the former? Imagine for a moment a real life scenario. You’ve been dating your new crush for a few weeks, and so far, things are going pretty well. It seems that here he is – a loved one; and, most likely, relations will develop in the same vein.
What’s the catch? It turns out that the new lover mentions the name of the former (former) too often. Or he constantly hangs out in social networks, following his love from the past. There is little pleasure in this for you; but at the same time, you don’t know what to do with it.
It is not very pleasant to live with someone who is psychologically still stuck in a past relationship! Today we’ll talk about what you should pay attention to in such situations, and what are the signs of psychological “sticking” on the former.
There is a problem and it needs to be solved
First of all, let’s see if this aspect is really important? Actually, yes. Psychologist and sex therapist Irene Furr told Elite Daily magazine that you really shouldn’t close your eyes at this moment. “Does your partner constantly spend time thinking about what would have happened if he or she had stayed with an ex? Think about it, because by doing so, his emotional energy is expended. And not in your favor.”
Furr also emphasizes the importance of emotional availability in relationships. “If you want to be involved in a love affair, the person must be available to you. In fact, this happens automatically: when a person is in love, he is ready to answer all our questions and dispel the fears that the other has. And vice versa, if there are no feelings, the personality closes. There can be no talk of any openness, and such a relationship can hardly be called healthy.
The main signs of obsession with the former
So, if you notice one or more of the signs from the following list, this can be a wake-up call.
- Depression, clinging to the past. The partner constantly demonstrates frustration, his mood can hardly be called joyful. Furr explains: “A person who has not yet entered psychologically into a new life continues to complain about his ex and about his actions. His feelings are usually bitterness, resentment, anger, or sadness.”
- He or she maintains friendly relations with yesterday’s partner. Everyone, of course, has their own opinion about whether or not to be friends with an ex. However, according to Furr, the tendency to maintain such a connection suggests that in the heart of a person the hope is still smoldering to return everything.
- “Your man or your girlfriend can keep in touch with the former through social networks, discuss various events with him. This person, one way or another, is present in the life of your partner. And although the latter can prove in the sweat of his face that there is nothing abnormal in this, alas, this is by no means the case.
- This, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to build a good relationship with such a person. We can maintain some kind of connection with the former – especially if there are any material “hooks” for this in the form of common property or work.
- However, it is worth paying attention to how such communication is filled with emotions. If your partner’s relationship with an ex seems too close to you – and especially when the breakup happened not so long ago – you should be on the lookout.
- He or she constantly visits the ex’s social media accounts. If you accidentally see a girl or a guy flipping through a photo of a former partner on Instagram, don’t think that this is just a harmless activity to kill boredom.
- So says Clarissa Silva, a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. “This attention hinders the growth of your relationship. After all, a partner, scrolling through pages on a social network, thinks about another person, and not about you, ”she emphasizes.
- He or she is haunted by memories. Irene Furr warns those who doubt the feelings of their newly-baked lovers: “If the breakup happened not so long ago, your partner may now and then plunge into memories of those pleasant moments that happened so recently.
- You can see how your beloved is plunging into the past, hovering in the clouds. His gaze is missing. If you see that the partner is becoming more and more distant, you should ask yourself the question of the advisability of continuing such a relationship.
- Regular accusations and complaints about the former in the conversation. This is the last – although not least – thing worth mentioning. “The number one topic of conversation for these people is their exes,” Silva explains. “When someone tries internally to break the connection with the ex, but it still remains strong enough, it invariably affects the topic of the conversation.
- There is a significant difference between the usual nostalgic recollection and the incessant discussion of the former.
Comparisons? It’s hardly about loving you
You should also pay attention to such a sign as the tendency to compare you with the former. You should not be left indifferent to phrases such as “Oh, he also went to this college!”, Or “She cooked soup according to a similar recipe.” Psychologists are convinced that such remarks indicate the incompleteness of a love affair.
It is not necessary to break up with the person who is still emotionally attached to the former. However, it is important to at least openly talk about it. “Remind your lover or lover that, without ending a relationship with one person, you should not start a relationship with another. After all, you deserve your partner to do their part in the relationship with you.”