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Love Forever: How long does it really last? - LovePsychologys

Love Forever: How long does it really last?

Love Forever: How long does it really last? Why does passion disappear very quickly in some relationships, feelings cool down, while others last for decades? Can we say that love forever is the result of work? Or is it a gift from above, a spiritual, esoteric, or magical connection? Next, we will talk about why people stopped believing in eternal feelings and whether it is possible to extend the “shelf life” of their relationship.

Does love last three years?

In the 21st century, there are more and more skeptics who deny either the existence of love in general, or its long duration. Even romantics catch themselves thinking-doubts about whether they can meet that very “chosen” person and build a strong relationship with him.

What led to such changes? Why is this feeling treated so incredulously, with apprehension? Likely causes:

  • change of mind on the “reference” model of the family. A woman is no longer considered the keeper of the hearth, she actively, on a par with her man, earns, has her own ambitions, builds her own career;
  • cult of money and sex cares more than the idea of ​​a serious relationship. Society is ready to strive for good earnings, physical pleasures. Many are not ready to pay attention to a partner if this means cutting back on working hours or secluded rest;
  • demand for the “ideal” worker. Who are modern employers looking for? Young, experienced, active, without health problems and family troubles. Young people trying to make their way up the career ladder do not have enough time for their personal lives.

All three causes in a rooted and deep state do little to promote a healthy relationship. They constantly do not have enough strength, time, opportunities, even desire. Marriages are created on the basis of prudence or not fully tested feelings. In both cases, they sooner or later come to an end – a divorce or insipid cohabitation.

In addition, there are three specific reasons why many are inclined to the theory of a three-year period of love. They are based on the hormonal background, the French novel, and social statistics. It sounds ironic, but it will be interesting to understand.

Hormonal changes.

What do lovers feel in the candy-bouquet period? Butterflies in the stomach, slight dizziness, pleasant shivering, sweet anticipation, delight, euphoria. And what is the basis of such a state? That’s right, hormones.

The first months of sympathy are accompanied by the production of hormones of joy, stress, satisfaction, bliss. This:

  • endorphins,
  • epinephrine, norepinephrine,
  • dopamine,
  • serotonin.

Some of them cause excitement, longing, other painful emotions. A person in love experiences a bunch of various experiences, some of which contradict each other and confuse. The initial stages entail emotional outbursts, from which there is no time to even take a break. This is diversity, brightness, the most memorable moments.

Pass the love test

And then change comes.

The production of the described hormones gradually decreases, ceases to be associated with a partner. It becomes addictive and brings with it:

  • oxytocin,
  • vasopressin.

These substances cause feelings of affection, tenderness, warmth. They no longer cause wild, uncontrollable experiences, but rather are associated with pleasant calmness, stability, and reliability. However, if a couple during this period does not begin to learn from mistakes, open up, resolve conflicts, the level of stress hormone increases:

Its excess depletes the body’s resources, which affects the mood. That is why lovers begin to quarrel for any reason, break down on each other, show negative qualities more often, stronger.

Here the first thoughts about parting, departed love, betrayal appear. Grievances accumulate, and there is less and less strength left. And most often this stage begins precisely after three years of marriage.

Fiction.

The publication of the novel Love Lives Three Years by Frederic Begbeder in 1997 was the beginning of a new idea. She denied eternal feelings, happy endings, and romantic expectations. The author himself admitted that he decided to dedicate the book to this topic in order to get rid of something stereotyped, boring, old.

Can this work be considered an argument in favor of the transience of feelings?

Definitely not. If a person supports the idea of ​​the impermanence of love, basing his arguments only on this novel, he either did not (before) read it, or did not penetrate into the essence. This is three confirmations.

  • This is a literary text, not a scientific work. The author is a writer with a good imagination, but not a psychologist/psychotherapist/physician, not a doctor of science, not a scientist. It is impossible to pass off the title of a book of this genre as a full-fledged scientific theory.
  • The main character, journalist Mark, is an infantile person who does not know how to love and does not seek to learn this. He spends his life on alcohol, drugs, and constant whining. Even the description of the feeling that he experiences can hardly be called love. Rather, it is passion or love, based only on dopamine.
  • At the end, the idea of ​​a limited duration of feelings is questioned by the author himself through the thoughts of the character.

It cannot be said that love is always eternal, but there is also no good reason to believe (based on the novel) that its duration is reduced to the mentioned number of years.

Love Forever: How long does it really last?

negative example.

The rising divorce rate and the downward trend of informal marriages are turning romantics into cynics. It is difficult to believe in something that is actively collapsing for many around. Difficult relationships between parents, neighbors quarreling behind the wall, divorces of stars, thousands of stories about infidelity from the Internet, personal negative experiences make you skeptical about love. But objective arguments in favor of its existence are becoming less and less.

But they are.

The results of social surveys and marriage reports seem sad, but they do not cover absolutely the entire population. And as long as there is at least one family in the world that is in a happy long-term relationship, faith in true love will not disappear.

How to carry love through the years?

If you perceive love as the result of constant labor, then its retention begins to seem possible. Obviously, to maintain such a strong feeling for a long time, you will have to make a lot of effort. This is one of the hardest jobs because it requires you to learn:

  • face your fears, take responsibility;
  • step over your selfishness, pride, vanity;
  • sincerely forgive and ask for forgiveness yourself;
  • constantly improve without long breaks;
  • live with another person, looking back at his opinion, desires.

But everything that is gained by diligence, through a difficult path with obstacles, is just as highly, dearly valued. And vice versa: what is received without problems and labor loses its value. So what to do so that the love fire continues to burn even after many years?

1. Distinguish love from falling in love

If you want your heart to stop all the time, then jump out of your chest, your breath gets confused, your knees give way, then you can look for all this in extreme sports. These are hormones, temporary conditions that are quickly interrupted and do not have something solid, long-term under them.

Love is based on something else… It is the road from the acquaintance of two different worlds through rapprochement and partnership to spiritual unity. To strive to receive it means to wish to cope with life’s difficulties together. The phrases “I can’t live without you”, “You are my meaning”, “I will never hurt you” are not love words, but an expression of infantilism, dependence, despair, or frivolity.

Want to fall in love with all its emotional attractions? Please, but then you should not call it love and expect that this state will last longer than a couple of years.

Love Forever: How long does it really last?

2. Be aware of instability

Life is a series of various events, positive and negative. These are ups, downs, stagnations, elections, uncertainties, surprises. The love sphere is just as unpredictable and includes different stages. Despite the couple’s efforts, relationship crises will still happen. But it depends only on the partners how to perceive and experience such periods, as well as their result.

The expectation that everything will always be smooth, good, smooth in a relationship is an illusion. You have to go through difficulties. But over time, they will seem less significant or irresistible, and love will only get stronger.

3. Don’t lose yourself

If all your efforts, time are directed only to relationships, it is very easy to lose your own “I” and earn a prolonged depression. Realizing ambitions, finding friends, doing your favorite hobby, building a career, if you want it, is also very important. And there are three reasons.

  • A person becomes unhappy if at least one sphere of interest to him remains without attention, implementation, changes.
  • Relationships will be more interesting if the lovers begin to develop themselves separately, and not just together. Their life will be filled with new events, activities, dreams, information that they want to share with the couple.
  • Service, sacrifice without limits, excessive self-giving are either associated with ideal love on the verge of fantasy, or with psychological problems. The latter is the more common cause.

Of course, it is worth thinking about your beloved, but not to the detriment of your main and strongest needs.

4. Learn to speak

Hushing up obvious problems, discontent, doubts leads to the growth of difficulties against the background of misunderstanding. As a rule, these topics are not discussed for fear of offending or upsetting the partner. But, accumulating, the negative runs the risk of pouring out not into a calm heart-to-heart conversation, but into an open conflict.

It is much better to learn to express what excites you in the first moments of the appearance of negative experiences. This will save you from scandals, rash acts, bad conditions like sadness, stress, aggression.

5. Learn to listen

It is not enough just to talk, it is also important to try to hear what the other person wants to convey. What seems like a small thing to one, hurts another. In order not to get into trouble with words or deeds, it is enough to listen to the opinion of the individual, try to study her worldview, fundamental views, aspirations. This is especially true of her opinion about:

  • financial issues (who will work, how, on what, and when to spend money);
  • household aspects (who is engaged in household duties, where it is better to live);
  • children (what parenting methods to choose, when to plan a child).

6. Avoid third parties.

As a rule, lovers do not like it when someone gets into their relationship or tries to come between them. But this idea is not always supported by actions.

What do quarreling partners do? Some take a break to cool down, to sort things out. But others immediately run to “merge” the negative to girlfriends, friends, mothers, even colleagues. Tell all the details of the quarrel. The third-party, of course, tries to support and give advice.

Then the conflict exhausts itself, the couple is fine again. But advisors are not easy to get rid of. The behavior of the partners during the quarrel showed them that it is possible to break into such relationships with their moralizing. Therefore, it is better to solve problems only together, without devoting others to it. In extreme cases, there is a private office of a family therapist.

7. Choose mature partners

Sometimes negative experiences in relationships and the transience of feelings do not happen because of the lover himself, but because of the person, he chooses. A union is a bond in which two are invested. If only one person drags the strap all the time, it will not last long. How to recognize a worthy partner? He:

  • open in his views, actively shares information about himself, tries to learn more about the object of sympathy;
  • understands that difficulties and crises in relationships are the norm and are ready to overcome them together;
  • strives for a peaceful resolution of conflicts without drama, insults, cruelty;
  • knows how to separate work and personal issues, without sacrificing one to the other.

Love forever seems to many a myth due to the inability to love, the wrong choice of a couple, fear of difficulties, or prejudice. And for such individuals, it really lasts no more than 3 years. But in a love relationship, where both partners are ready to work, grow, take care, feelings live exactly as long as the lovers themselves want.

Love Forever: How long does it really last?

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