Overcoming the fear of commitment – step by step into a happy relationship
Everything in your life is going great: your job, your hobbies, your friendships. If only it weren’t for the men thing… Do you always attract men who don’t want a committed relationship and pull out as soon as you’re serious? Then you most likely suffer from passive fear of commitment. In this article, I will tell you how you can overcome the fear of commitment to finally have a happy relationship.
Fear of attachment does not directly mean fear of attachment. In principle, human beings are not afraid of a bond or connection. Love and closeness to a person are even among the basic human needs.
What the word attachment anxiety actually means is the fear of the consequences of attachment. Consequences such as the loss of freedom, the fear of being abandoned by your partner, or the fear of change. In this article, you will learn how you can overcome the fear of commitment so that you can finally have a loving relationship full of closeness and intimacy.
Overcome active and passive fear of commitment
There are two types of fear of commitment: active and passive.
1. Overcome active fear of commitment
Active attachment anxiety means that you are the person who is constantly moving away from your partner. You’re the one who always breaks up and doesn’t want to allow closeness. As a rule, however, it is more often the case that the man has active fear of commitment and the woman has passive fear. He doesn’t want to commit himself because he’s afraid of losing his freedom or being hurt. Of course, women can also have active fear of commitment. In order to allow closeness and security with a loved one, you have to overcome your fear of commitment.
2. Overcome passive fear of commitment
With passive fear of attachment, you attract men who have active fear of attachment themselves and don’t want or can’t get involved in a permanent relationship. They fall head over heels for you and dump you as soon as you open up because they can’t stand the closeness. Learn to overcome your fear of commitment to finally attract men into your life who are ready for a healthy relationship full of affection and closeness.
How can you overcome the fear of commitment and where does it come from in the first place?
The cause of fear of commitment is usually a negative belief. In this sense, overcoming the fear of commitment is convincing yourself. Even if we think that we have our lives firmly under control and are actively shaping them, it is actually the case that our subconscious controls more than 90 percent of our actions. So does your choice of partner. A belief is a firm assumption that affects how we experience reality.
Beliefs are formed in our earliest childhood and shape our entire life from then on. It’s the things that happen to you as a young child that still guide you thirty years later. People who are afraid of commitment usually have one of the following three thoughts unconsciously:
- “I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable.”
- “I’m different from everyone else. There will be no suitable partner for me.”
- “I can’t have everything I want.”
Have you ever thought that? For example, that you can’t have a happy relationship, pursue a career and have time for friends at the same time? Men in particular often believe that they cannot be with a woman and at the same time retain their freedom. Does that sound familiar to some of the men you know?
Overcoming the fear of commitment – step by step
Fortunately, attachment anxiety is not a lifelong diagnosis. It’s actually not that difficult to overcome the fear of commitment. Very important: This is primarily about overcoming your own fear of commitment and not that of your partner. He can only overcome his fear of commitment if he is willing to do so himself and actively works on it. Just as you can overcome your fear of commitment, so can he. But only if he wants it. So today it’s all about overcoming your own fear of commitment. Here we go!
Step 1: Find the source and overcome the fear of commitment
Negative beliefs arise in early childhood through a key experience that is misinterpreted by the small brain. A 53-year-old man once told me about the childhood trauma that triggered his attachment anxiety: his mother often left him in the supermarket or lost him when he was quite young. This resulted in the belief that “I am not worth taking care of and looking out for.”
However, it is often the case that our memories play tricks on us and the reality was very different. The brain is good at blinding and changing memories from early childhood. The man had three other siblings and they were all around the same age. Two of them were adopted. With four small children, it is not easy for a mother to keep everyone in sight at all times. So even if she lost her son at the supermarket a few times, we can assume that it wasn’t bad intentions and that she still loves him. And yet the man had this belief for a long time until he managed to overcome his fear of commitment. How is it with you? What was the trigger that made you think you weren’t good enough as a kid?
If you this trigger You will also realize that as a child you made assumptions about life and about yourself that were completely wrong and a complete misunderstanding – an essential realization in overcoming attachment anxiety. This even applies to extreme situations. For example, if your parents hit you, that doesn’t mean they didn’t love them. They just couldn’t handle their aggressiveness properly. Maybe they didn’t learn it any other way themselves. Or if your parents were alcoholics, that doesn’t mean you were a bad kid and that was your fault. They just had a pain inside them that they couldn’t handle otherwise, even if they wished they could. The good news is: You can overcome your fear of commitment and already have everything inside you
Step 2: A practical exercise to overcome the fear of commitment
To take the first step towards overcoming the fear of commitment, take a deep breath and then close your eyes. Travel back to your childhood, to the moment when you thought for the first time “I’m not good enough and therefore I’m unlovable.” Whatever your first thought is, let it come and keep it! Feel your former self and put yourself in this moment so much that you can feel it exactly. What are you wearing? Where are you? Is it warm or cold there? What people are around you and what is happening? You may have remembered this moment more than once, or you may have thought about it for the first time in a very long time.
Now you “zoom” out of this scene and look at the whole thing from a bird‘s eye view and are completely neutral. If you were a scientist, what fact would you see? What is the objective truth when you look at the situation from above? The truth is the way to freedom. The point at which you see and understand that it had nothing to do with you at the time but with other circumstances frees you from the negative belief so that you can overcome your fear of commitment.
If the man, who at 53 and after three failed marriages was still sad about being forgotten in a supermarket as a child, hadn’t told himself this story over and over again, his belief would never have become so strong. If he had realized that it wasn’t his fault, but that his mother had to look after three other children while she was checking off her shopping list and was simply overwhelmed, his belief would not have come into being.
As soon as you let go of your old negative belief, the new right and positive one that will help you overcome your fear of commitment comes along: ” I’m good enough!” I am worthy of being loved!”
If your belief was: “I’m different, I don’t belong.” Then there is a very simple solution here too: The truth is, every person is different and unique. What you can do about this feeling of being different is make other people feel like they belong. Involve them, invite them over and make other people feel good. This will automatically make you feel good about yourself and help you overcome your fear of commitment.
Exchange your previous belief for “I belong and I will make sure that you belong too!” and you will see how everything changes as a result.
The third belief is, ” I can’t have everything I want.” If a man tells you he’d rather not be in a committed relationship because he’s not ready and wants to enjoy his freedom, ask him what he actually wants understands by freedom. He probably responds that he wants to be able to go out with his friends whenever he feels like it. Why shouldn’t he be able to do that when he’s with you? A partner will not be able to take away his freedom. For that, you would need a prison or even a belief that also holds him captive – just in a different way.
Women often express these beliefs by believing that they can’t become mothers and continue having sex at the same time, or that they have to choose between a career and a family. Are you more of a career woman or a family man? – Who says that both don’t work? You tell yourself this by believing it. So your new belief to overcome the fear of commitment is: I can have anything I really want!
Step 3: Overcoming the fear of commitment with the visualization exercise
If you want to overcome active or passive fear of commitment, the biggest problem is that you cannot imagine being truly loved all your life. If you really want to overcome your fear of commitment, then you have to say goodbye to this thought once and for all.
If there is a man in your life that you are interested in right now, most of the time you are probably hoping that he will fall in love with you and want to be with you. You keep waiting for these sentences from him. Block that out for a moment and focus on something longer term!
Your long-term goal is to be happy with this partner day in and day out, year in and year out, and have a wonderful relationship with them.
Practice imagining what it’s like to feel loved by both yourself and your partner. What does this long-term life look like with him and with you? How does it feel? Always focus on that long-term vision and not the short-term things like, “Hopefully he’ll get in touch, hopefully, he wants to date me.”
With this technique, you will get rid of your belief and overcome your fear of commitment. All you have to do is realize that you can have anything and any man you want and that he will love you just the way you are. You deserve a happy relationship!