There are more and more opportunities to get to know each other, and there are fewer and fewer people who want to take advantage of these opportunities. Why did modern people begin to avoid serious relationships and fear them like fire? Do fears and complexes or life circumstances prevent single people from finding each other and building happy relationships?
The content of the article
Unfortunately, we do not have statistical data, but we are more than sure that a million or two hearts are broken every day on our planet. And not every victim manages to subsequently build a happy relationship with such baggage.
- The first reason is that feelings have not cooled down yet. In this case, the search for new novels really smells of meaninglessness – casual sex with a person who is indifferent to you will not fill the void in your soul. But it can be quite depressing. If you’re avoiding relationships because you haven’t recovered from old ones, start tackling problems as they come up.
That is, deal with your ex-partner. Talk heart to heart, disperse peacefully, or express everything that has boiled over for you – the conflict must be settled, and an end must be put in the relationship.
- The second reason is that the previous partner keeps you, as they say, “on a short leash.” You seem to have broken up, but it seems not. You continue to flirt with each other, periodically find yourself in the same bed and introduce all your friends into a slight bewilderment with your relationship.
It’s time to take a critical look at your union and decide for yourself whether such a “swing” suits you – today the partner goes on a date, and tomorrow he writes to you and invites you to spend the night together. Such obscurantism does not allow you to let go of the past and move forward. And the constant feeding of feelings does not allow you to stop loving your ex-partner. See point above.
- The third reason is a dead self-esteem. Being abandoned is rather unpleasant. And if you are dumped for someone who is prettier, sexier, more successful and richer than you, you get a big blow to your ego. First, stop comparing yourself to your opponent (opponent) and focus on your positive qualities. On those with which you once conquered a former love.
Don’t be jealous of your ex’s new girlfriend or new boyfriend. In no case do not take revenge on either the partner or his passion. Sincerely wish them good luck, forgive and let go in peace. Take care of yourself – your appearance, education, career, etc. But! Improve for yourself, not for revenge.
If you lose weight / get fat / get a second degree / travel, etc. not for your own sake, but for the sake of beautiful pictures and reactions from the former object of passion, disappointment, anger and emptiness will inevitably await you. The yoga mat will end up on the balcony, the cubes will overgrow, and vacation photos will no longer please.
- Don’t want much
Not all of those sufferers who wring their hands and complain about their loneliness actually suffer from this loneliness. It’s just that all friends and acquaintances, either in pairs, or suffer from the fact that they have no one to congratulate on Valentine’s Day and post a couple of cute photos on Instagram.
And you yourself begin to think: “Why am I not suffering?” It’s awkward to somehow fight off the team. You should also suffer. Otherwise, how to keep the conversation going? Talk about how great I travel alone and enjoy my personal space, walking around the house naked? They won’t understand. Since I am without a relationship, it means that I must be unhappy and be in active search.
No, it shouldn’t. Honestly answer yourself the question – do you really need a couple? If the answer is yes, you can safely join either the community of happy lovers, or join the group of melancholy loners.
If you feel good alone, stop deceiving yourself, reduce communication with whiners and enjoy life. And then you will meet the same independent and freedom-loving person and will be able to enjoy life together. For now, you just don’t need it.
You’re just too lazy to try. Building relationships, sharing a home and free time with someone, and even just leaving the house – you want a relationship, but not enough to get up from the couch and start doing something. You avoid relationships because you are not ready to invest in them.
If at the moment you are heavily loaded with work, family conflicts and other problems, it is no wonder that you do not have enough energy for your personal life. Figure out other areas of your life before taking on lazy inclinations towards love relationships.
- bad example
If a child has watched his parents suffer all his childhood, a fear of marriage, serious relationships and relationships in general can take root in him. If this is your situation, you should understand one fact: you are not responsible for the mistakes of your parents.
But it’s still worth talking heart to heart with them – if you have unspoken grievances and claims, express them in a mild form. Ask your parents about how their relationship developed. For whatever reason, they tried to save the marriage, which literally crumbled before our eyes.
Forgive your parents, stop blaming them for the scenes you saw in childhood poison your life in adulthood.
Pay attention to those couples that are the standard of relationships for you. No matter how perfect they may seem to you, they also manage to quarrel. And some of those couples that seem harmonious and happy to you have been on the verge of divorce or separation more than once or twice.
Interpersonal relationships are always work. But no one requires you to do it perfectly.
Try not to make the mistakes of your parents, do not take their luggage with you into adulthood. These are their mistakes, their experience. But you have the right to a happy family for yourself and for your future children.
- Do not deserve
Many guys and girls consciously avoid relationships because they consider themselves unworthy of love. There are several reasons.
First, a difficult childhood. Fearing to spoil the child, some mothers and fathers try to raise their children with a tight rein. No manifestations of sentimentality, warm words or compliments – a child who did not receive love in childhood often either tries to fill the void with promiscuity, or completely closes himself from any relationship.
Friendly pats on the shoulder and even attention from persons of the opposite sex either have no effect or cause fear and distrust. You can’t do without an intelligent psychologist.
- Fear of opening up
Fear of opening your soul and body, trusting another person, exposing your complexes and fears. This is especially true for those who are not accustomed to flaunt their feelings, prefer not to talk about their problems and anxieties, and are more than anything else afraid of seeming weak. This problem is familiar to both boys and girls.
If one day the guy decided to confess his feelings, but was refused, he is once again convinced that feelings are the lot of the weak, closes himself from the whole world and begins to build himself a cynic who is alien to romantic moods. If the guy or girl has no relationship experience at all, then the fear of being misunderstood is added to the fear of opening up – it’s too scary to admit one’s inexperience and purity.
There are several options here:
- One day, our loner will understand that he is tired of living in fear, will step over himself and go into the gap, enjoy all the joys of life. Happy end!
- Love will come into the life of a loner, and fears and complexes will disappear along with clothes. Happy ending again!
- A loner will not dare to change anything in his life and will get so used to loneliness that he will no longer be able to cope without the help of a specialist.
In this case, the environment of a person plays a big role – active and sociable friends will either introduce their modest friend to someone, taking his personal life into their own hands, or in the end inspire him to leave his comfort zone.
If the environment matches him, then the person most likely will not be motivated to change anything.
What to do?
- Be determined and consult a psychologist. A competent specialist will help bring all your fears to the surface, make you chew them and spit them out.
The choice of a psychologist will have to be approached wisely. If your friends or good acquaintances can help you and give you the contacts of a trusted soul savior, accept their help. Everyone else will have to act blindly.
It is possible that you will have to change several psychologists before you find the one that is right for you. Remember that a good specialist will never discuss his colleagues or patients with you, give value judgments or put pressure on you.
- Get out of the house more often. The advice is banal, but effective. Firstly, you have more acquaintances, which means more chances to meet the person you need. Secondly, if you are having difficulty communicating, you need to get used to being in the company of people, stop feeling uncomfortable every time you find yourself among strangers.
- Stop hanging out with people who make you feel like nothing. Friendly jokes and jokes should amuse both parties. If your acquaintances systematically poison your mood and destroy your self-esteem, it’s time to change your social circle.
- Do not rely on relationships to solve your problems and suddenly your life will shine with bright colors. Learn to enjoy life and love yourself. Only then will you be ready to build relationships and be happy in them.
- Expand your comfort zone. Get rid of unnecessary fears, saturate yourself with bright, new emotions, set goals and achieve them. New acquaintances, a return of a taste for life, an increase in self-esteem and just a bunch of new experiences are the “side effects” that you are provided with.
Films on the topic
- Always Say Yes (2008)
A high-quality comedy about how too long a stay in a swamp of longing and despondency does not lead to anything good. But a sharp exit from the comfort zone can not only return the desire to enjoy life, but also open your heart to new relationships. Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel will teach you to forget your ex and sincerely rejoice for them, open up to change and love. And they will also teach you how to communicate with strange people.
If you are mired in the abyss of depression, do not see the point in life or cannot forget past love – turn on this film.
- 500 Days of Summer (2009)
Both main characters deserve attention. The hero of Joseph Gordon-Levitt believed that he was not able to be happy until he found his love. The heroine of Zooey Deschanel avoided a serious relationship for a long time, broke the heart of her boyfriend, and then … happily married.
“You didn’t want to be someone’s girlfriend, and now you’re someone’s wife.
– I’m surprised myself.
“I can hardly understand it. All of this is kind of pointless.
– Well, it just so happened.
“Well, no, I don’t understand. What “it just so happened”?
One day, I woke up and realized that I knew.
– You know?
“Something that I probably didn’t know about you.”
By the way, the film is not devoid of romance, although at the beginning we are warned that “this is not a love story, this is a love story.”
Fear of approach. Counterdependence. Psychotherapy of addictions.