There are many reasons for living together in the same apartment, even for former spouses. Living with an ex-man is also an unwillingness to share an apartment and see children, and other reasons. But how to build a life correctly, and what consequences can result from unwillingness to leave.
The content of the article
How did it happen – we live together with an ex-man and why
If we talk about the root causes that former spouses or a couple live together under the same roof, there are several of them.
- How did it happen: the ex-man and I live together? First of all, it is worth mentioning such vital square meters – if you lived together in a one-room apartment before the divorce and separation and there is no money to buy another, then there is simply nothing more to talk about. Everything rests on sufficient financing of the housing issue.
- Also, the reason for such behavior may be a banal denial of everything that happens, or rather not so – the very fact of divorce. Regardless of the reasons for breaking up a relationship – a man or a woman is so protected at the subconscious level. It’s like an ostrich that sticks its head in the sand, but the body remains on the surface – the problem does not go anywhere.
- The illusion of an existing relationship. And even if you have a joint house, children and you sell to live under the same roof, this is more of a way to hide the lack of a relationship. What is especially important for timid and insecure personalities – a person, as it were, freezes his story on one square meter.
- dependent behavior. This is more often inherent in a woman who, after breaking off relations with a man, simply does not know what and how to continue to be. So she tries to hide her loneliness and unwillingness to be alone, even in the absence of a better option in the form of a young and promising gentleman. And children in this case can act as an additional deterrent.
- And in conclusion, it is worth pointing out one more reason why the former or the former is such an instinct for territoriality. It is in the former house or apartment in which the husband and wife lived together that each of them tries to assert his own right to the territory. As they say, a sense of ownership jumped up.
Is this considered a problem
Psychologists and psychoanalysts do not call this a problem in the psychological sense of the term – it is rather a matter of a domestic or property plan. And often couples continue to live together, but do not spend the last pennies on renting an apartment. Why is this happening and is it worth seeing a problem in this – it is worth understanding what are the pros and cons of such, albeit somewhere forced, cohabitation.
As for the pros, they can be:
- Everything and everyone remains in their places – furniture and appliances, even such a familiar, but no longer beloved (or still beloved) partner.
- If a couple has a child, he continues to live in comfortable conditions for him.
- There is someone before the salary to intercept money or food before the salary. And if the former is not a miser, he will also feed the child.
- And none of the new or old acquaintances, having learned about the divorce, will encroach on a visit to you – they know that there is someone at home.
Although for the most part, this is where most of the pluses end and the solid minuses begin. Each has its own cons, ranging from the inability to retire in a small room to grandiose plans to start a new life with another partner. Living together with an ex-man is an issue worth working on, but this is not a pathology, as many believe.
How to build the right way
If, by chance, you have to share shelter with your ex, try to make a joint, albeit forced, life as comfortable as possible. How?
- First, remember the rule – the temporary should not develop into a permanent one, and therefore it is worth making every effort to solve the housing issue.
- Try to give yourself an honest answer – whether you want to save the relationship or not. And in real life, there are many cases when, having divorced, the former begin to meet again.
- Always agree on everything, especially if it concerns certain domestic issues. Divide them in half, as before, take separate shelves in the kitchen, in general, discuss everything that may cause you questions and disputes.
But remember – never lose your self-respect, and if the ex uses drugs or has to live in the same room, try to do everything to disperse.
Rules for such a life together
And even if the gap took place by the consent of both parties, the neighborhood forced on the same living space dominates every former spouse or partner. For the most part, a woman and a former man who live together is not easy enough in terms of neighborhood. Psychologically, this is not easy, in order to somewhat simplify the situation, you can jointly draw up a certain set of rules.
Together, draw up a travel plan that is beneficial for each side, and if, for example, a large apartment can be exchanged for two smaller areas, there is no doubt. Without understanding this postulate, it will not be possible to live peacefully until it is possible.
Determine each for themselves their own places in the house – each surviving should have their own personal space. And if there are several rooms in the house, then this makes life a little easier, but in any case, you should not sleep on a water bed, even if there is only one bed in the house – there are folding beds and so on.
Keep in a safe place or in safe hands all important documents – a passport, insurance and policies, documents for an apartment if it was bought together. Many hope that the separation and departure will be peaceful, but as legal practice shows, most of the former go on the warpath. And especially when it comes to the division of jointly acquired property, when former loved ones cannot find a common language.
Optimally, according to many lawyers, it makes no sense to keep the originals at home in such a situation, it is better to give them to a person you trust or put them in a safe deposit box. And at home it is mandatory to have at least photocopies of all title documents.
Do not avoid your own home – this option most often applies to men. Often, a stressful situation from a breakup or an internal experience of a breakup has a detrimental effect on his psyche. That is why they avoid the house – they spend the night with friends or in the garage, they go to their mistress. And this is one of the reasons why the ex does not make eye contact.
But when there are children in the family, small or teenagers, this is a signal for them that dad is avoiding the family, does not want to communicate with him. Therefore, dad or mom should think – while the second half does not have its own territory, where a child can come, you should not leave. This traumatic will affect the baby, and if he is impressionable enough, a disorder of the psyche and nervous system is guaranteed for parents.
Avoid or minimize quarrels and scandals, no matter how much you want to. Emotions and nerves during, as well as in the process of the entire divorce, are heated and stretched to the limit, and even a small spark (read – a word, look or gesture) can cause a real scandal. In particular, this is acutely tolerated when everyone knows the weaknesses and subtleties of the character (organization of subtle spiritual matter) of their partner, so to speak, knows what and how to hook on.
You cannot be responsible for your partner, but in your words and actions you can control yourself. The main thing is not to enter into conflicts first. And about how to understand a former man in order to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts, read our article at the link.
And no less important rule of peaceful and quiet living is not to succumb to any erotic, sexual temptations. Often real situations can arise, so to speak, conducive to physical intimacy, and if one of the partners still loves, he will give in.
If you intend to leave, you should not succumb to such a temptation and not cross the boundaries set for yourself. After all, you have decided to leave and feelings should be appeased – forced cohabitation should not become the basis for subsequent rapprochement and the beginning of a new round of relations. Although who knows, but this is so – a retreat.
And a few more tips
- Try not to remember pleasant or offensive moments in the presence of a partner – this will bind you and prevent you from moving on. Just stop looking back at your former or former and move on, do not wait for a reaction to these actions – learn to become an independent and sufficient person, even though you continue to live under the same roof, in the same living space.
- Try to give yourself to friends, no matter how much you would like it – this will somewhat reduce the degree of tension and allow you to live the process of parting and leaving without stressful situations. If you build communication correctly, you will retain your usual social circle and relatives will not have to take one side or another of the opposing camp.
- Strictly and clearly outline the line of your personal relationships – this will allow you to turn off the corresponding projection at the level of sexual instincts. What does it mean? You should not walk around the house in underwear, revealing outfits, or completely naked.
- And if earlier it was the norm for you or something ordinary, now you are not in that situation and position. The main thing in this paragraph is not to allow ambiguous provisions and situations in your joint, albeit forced, living.
- And finally, it is worth noting – if you are currently faced with a similar situation, never, under any circumstances, share your new novels with your ex-partner. Spend all your dates outside of your home.
And the consequences of such a relationship
The consequences of such living together in an apartment, under the same roof with a former spouse or partner, can be very deplorable. As psychologists say, the best solution for the former is to leave in the first year after the break.
The house and the usual problems will drag on for a longer period of time, but the decision to start living from scratch will never come, and if it comes to your smart head, then you won’t be able to realize all this. Why it doesn’t work out – pure psychology can already affect here, for example, habit, addiction, or a banal desire for revenge.
Plus, if cohabitation is delayed, you cannot bring a new gentleman or partner into the house. The former may be accustomed to such a situation, a kind of cohabitation, but an outsider cannot understand this right off the bat, so to speak from the doorway. It is impossible to relax, chat and finally have sex, giving yourself and your partner pleasure. Yes, and the understanding that at this moment someone else is in the house, even if (or read as – especially) the former.
Often in such a family there are children, small or adults, and such relationships of parents cannot but be reflected in them. And in this case, he must feel that both parents, father and mother, are needed, and no one should betray anyone. In the future, this may cause a breakdown in his psyche, especially if he is impressionable.
What if there is a child?
Consider the following rules, which will help to avoid negative consequences:
- First of all, observe outwardly the general rules of decency with the former or former. And this is important not only for the child, but for your entire environment. Moderately friendly and restrained – no one has canceled the rules of decency and your divorce is not an excuse to cancel them.
- Be prepared to be pestered with questions about how you feel about each other. And, for example, you can answer the question – do you love him, how do you feel now, answer very kindly that you treat him well, like a friend.
- You should not force the relatives who have taken your position, and even more so the child, to follow the former, finding out something. Such manipulations will only play against you if they open up. They will heat up the situation to a greater extent and negatively affect the psyche of children – the easier it is for you to get along with your ex before leaving, the better for yourself and your immediate environment.
And do not lie to yourself and your surroundings that everything is fine with you – this will not solve the problem. The main thing is to talk frankly with the former, without raising the tone and intensity of passions, and resolve this issue – how to be and what to do next.
Divorced from his wife, but we live in the same apartment. There is a common child.