Probably, there are no longer those people who, even if they have not read, but at least have not heard about John Gray’s book “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” The view of the relationship between men and women has its adherents and critics, but it seems that she did not leave anyone indifferent.
The content of the article
The author of the book is a practicing psychologist who, with his theory, has helped many people save marriages and improve relationships. He did not limit himself to writing this book, but gives lectures, conducts practical seminars and promotes a respectful attitude to the biological belonging of a person to one sex or another, which in some way runs counter to the modern trend of universal equalization in rights, duties, relationships and behavior.
His theory is based on the fact that men and women are in many ways completely different people who have diametrically different ideas about how an ideal relationship should look and manifest itself. It is because of this difference and misunderstanding of the motives of each other’s behavior that people often break off relationships that could actually exist happily for many years.
Understanding and accepting a partner of the opposite sex, learning to understand his needs and measure his actions with them is the main task of the book “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”, which the author brilliantly completed.
If there has been a break in the relationship, and feelings are still alive, you need to urgently read about two types of aliens who somehow brought to the same planet, and who are trying to learn how to communicate with each other and build common families.
Do not reproach loving
Mutual reproaches are a destructive path in any relationship, not just love ones. If people related by family ties begin to reproach each other, they can greatly spoil the relationship, but they will not stop being relatives, although many relationships between parents and children deteriorated pretty much because of this. But the reproaches of a man and a woman can lead to a break in relations and it’s not a fact that at least one thread connecting them will remain, which can help fix everything later.
On the one hand, reproach is an opportunity to express resentment, dissatisfaction with your pain or problem. On the other hand, the chance to hurt the partner is even stronger than he is. What to do?
The same idea can be expressed in different ways. It’s almost like with the well-known phrase “execution cannot be pardoned.” It all depends on where to put the comma, both literally and figuratively. There are countless topics for reproaches, each of them can be rephrased, and you get not a reproach, but a constructive remark or a polite request.
Angry: “Where have you been/been? Can’t you call?” can be replaced with: “Wow, finally you were found / found! I lost you / and I was so worried / worried! Please don’t scare me like that again!” The reproach turns into a story about his feelings and into a polite request. The meaning has not changed.
Boring: “Your friends / girlfriends are more expensive than me! Why meet someone again? can be paraphrased in a playful way: “Let’s spend this evening together! I have something special planned!” And the emerging scandal can be translated into an unforgettable evening and wonderful sex. Just remember to plan for something really special. Candlelight dinners or hockey tickets are just the thing.
And the most crowning: “My mom cooks better!” or “You don’t love my mom at all!” it just needs to be translated to other rails. “Mmm, how delicious! Wow, since childhood I got used to a completely different taste of this dish! You need to try your mother’s, compare. Or: “You need to visit your mother, but if you are tired, stay at home, I will smear you somehow, I will bring something tasty.” There may be many options, but forcing a partner to perform duties that he does not like is definitely dishonest, and leads to unnecessary conflicts.
Men and women are really different
No matter how feminists fight this statement, it is useless to go against nature. We really have a lot of differences, they lie not only in gender. You can start with the simplest: take a regular blood test, look at its transcript and see that the same indicators are different for different sexes. Interestingly, with the level of, say, hemoglobin in the blood, can also be argued and lead to a common value? Then you have to no-no, and to treat healthy people.
What about hormones? They are fundamentally different and their effect on the body is different. It is completely pointless to argue with this, you need to know about it and take it into account.
In a stressful situation, the hormone hydrocortisone is produced in the blood of each person. To stop its action, testosterone must be produced in the blood of a man, and oxytocin in a woman.
Testosterone production is directly related to muscle work or, as a kind of competition, research, and any other activity that affects self-confidence:
- sports, from chess to football and barbells;
- any competition, from football watching to cockroach races;
- research, both scientific and geographical;
- physical work, from hammering a nail into a wall to building a house;
- parties, dancing;
The production of oxytocin is associated with interaction with others:
- Talk about your own and other people’s problems and successes, in general – gossip, meetings with friends;
- Hugs, kisses;
- A visit to a beauty salon, a spa, a hairdresser – everything that is directed, on the one hand, to oneself, and on the other, to interaction with someone who cares;
- Dates, not necessarily serious, it is important to feel attention to yourself and, again, communicate;
- Admiration of others, compliments, signs of attention, gifts;
- Cultural events, social events, the opportunity to show yourself and look at others;
- Shopping as a way to communicate and gain recognition and admiration;
- Caring for family and loved ones.
This does not mean at all that a woman will not enjoy going to the gym, and a man from meeting friends. Of course, they will get it, and they will get rid of stress, only the mechanism and essence of the events will be different. And it’s not about sexism, but about biology – hormones.
Chatterbox and listener
Based on biological characteristics, for conflict resolution it is important, albeit infrequently, to let a woman speak out. And to do this not when she is already packing things, but long before that. In general, if a woman has the opportunity to express everything that is painful when she is listened to attentively, then half of the problems in the relationship simply will not arise.
This process also has a biological justification: while a man is silent and listens, testosterone is produced in him, since the process requires remarkable endurance and internal struggle. While a woman speaks, she produces oxytocin, as she satisfies many of her natural needs: they listen to her, they pay attention to her, she is at the center of events, she communicates.
Such joint therapy is equally useful for both sexes, there is nothing to say about the production of hormones, if everything is done correctly, then after the monologue there will be even greater attachment to each other and desire.
According to studies, a woman will not be able to express her claims for long, according to studies – about eight minutes, then for a couple of minutes she will share already positive emotions, and then she will experience great relief and elation and make sure that she got a wonderful man, which will not be slow to tell him. The release of hormones with the correct placement of accents will lead to only one thing: dizzying sex.
The main thing that provides such an effect is the regularity of such events. No problems should accumulate for more than eight minutes. Otherwise, patience with both partners may not be enough.
Vain expectations and fatal mistakes
The main mistakes that ultimately spoil or kill relationships are what women and men expect from a partner of feelings and actions that are characteristic of themselves. In principle, this is impossible, since they have different hormonal levels and a different way of achieving psychological comfort. Here the folk wisdom does not work: “Do to others as you want them to do to you.” To save a relationship, you need to do with your partner as he needs, not you.
Do not give unsolicited advice to a man. It seems to a woman that in this way she shows participation and care, and to a man that she considers him so stupid and insolvent that he cannot cope on his own. Remember: competition and victory are important for a man, not reverent participation.
The best support for him will be the words that he will definitely cope with any problem and find a way out, that they believe in him. Just do not overdo it so that he does not perceive it as excessive attention or mockery. Everything is good in moderation. If you need advice, he will ask.
Often a man makes the mistake of not letting a woman express her problems, believing that she needs a solution to the problem from him, since she tells everything in such detail, and he is not at all interested in getting into “women’s affairs”. In fact, as mentioned above, his attention is important to a woman. She is quite capable of coping with her problems on her own, especially since most of them are purely emotional. You just need to listen carefully and calmly.
A change of mood in a woman, her emotionality, can cause a man to feel guilty, he may believe that this is because of him. In fact, everything is again because of hormones. She does not need an objective reason at all to be sad or laugh. You don’t have to react to every change. It is enough to show that they love her and sometimes leave her alone. Care is always important for a woman, so once again to make a compliment or make a pleasant trifle will never be superfluous.
It is important for a woman to be able to open up, tell about the most intimate, and often she expects the same from a man. And not only is he in no hurry to reveal himself, but he can also react quite sharply to attempts to invade the inner space. He needs the opportunity to retire and a wise woman will not climb to him at such moments.
One of the most common misconceptions is that a woman is sure that she can change a man. This misconception often leads to divorce. You should not associate your life with the one you plan to change. This venture is doomed to failure. He can change only if he sees fit. And he will do it without anyone’s help, like a true athlete. The role of a woman is to get sick and believe in his strength.
It can be difficult for a talkative woman to accept that if a man is silent in response to her long monologue, this does not mean at all that he does not listen to her or thinks about his own. He thinks. Everything he heard, he will take note of how he uses this information and whether he uses it is his business.
Love is not about taking and making any demands on each other, but about accepting a partner for who he is and giving yourself without a trace.
So what’s the strength?
The main idea to be grasped is that men and women are indeed different. These are not traits of character or upbringing, not social roles, but a biological feature that must be reckoned with. If you fight with your own nature or the essence of a partner, then nothing good will come of it.
Relationships must be worked on, and not followed by the first impulse, since it is often erroneous, people tend to act on their own preferences, without taking into account the characteristics of the opposite sex. Before drawing conclusions from the actions or words of a partner, you need to stop and think about what motivated him, and you should never forget about hormonal features.
If you do not forget about the feelings and desires of a partner, give him the opportunity to be himself, then the person himself will have enough opportunities for his own self-realization, growth and self-expression. At the same time, there will be complete harmony and mutual understanding in personal relationships. Personal freedom does not mean the ability to perform any action and not be responsible for it, but the freedom to be yourself and be accepted without alterations and pretense.