Is it possible to objectively assess the strength and durability of friendship without quarrels and without resorting to rigged checks and manipulations? Is it always better to “get to know” friends in trouble, or are there more serious and weighty criteria for “selection”? The following questions to a friend deal with the most pressing issues, in connection with which there is a majority of disputes and discord. If you discuss them in advance, before life may force you to encounter them unexpectedly, you will be able to avoid many conflicts.
1. Finance.
Sample Questions
- Do you think that debts should always be repaid, even if the money was borrowed from a friend?
- Would you be able to borrow me a large amount that you have been saving for a long time for hobbies and entertainment?
- Should friends lend money to each other against official receipt? Or can you do without the formal part and take your word for it?
- If we worked in the same company in approximately equal positions and my salary was increased, but not for you, would you be offended by me?
- How would we split the lottery winnings if one of us bought the prize ticket, but participated in the draw (applied, crossed out numbers, answered quiz questions, etc.) – the other?
Why is it important to ask
It is difficult to count the number of friends who quarreled and stopped communicating because of such a seemingly banal thing as money. Especially often this problem concerns the payment of debts. Not all comrades believe that they are obliged to return the borrowed amount on time and in the exact amount. Others prefer to include an interest counter, as in banks. Both those and others have the right to their opinion, but it is unlikely that a conflict will be avoided if the friends have not discussed all the details before that.
If we are extremely frank in the discussion of such a topic, then even if our views differ, we can smooth out the critical moments and resolve the issue peacefully.
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2. Personal life.
Sample Questions
- What happens if we both fall in love with the same person?
- Will you be offended by me because I rarely see you because my family (parents or spouse and children) needs me?
- How would you react if I had a relationship with one of your relatives?
- Would you like to be friends with families or are you only interested in friendship with me?
- Do I have to invite and take a friend on a family vacation?
Why is it important to ask
What if, for example, two girlfriends fell in love with the same guy? What is the best thing to do – leave the right to choose for a man, both refuse it or stop communicating with each other, because the level of competition is too high? This is a purely individual and difficult choice, which is best discussed before the girls have to quarrel over it in a real situation.
Another problem is increased friendly jealousy. Some people need their acquaintances more than others and are not ready to share them with anyone. Of course, this is already a matter of personal complexes, but it’s better to talk about this topic in a timely manner.
3. Differences in character and views.
Sample Questions
- Would you continue to communicate with me if you knew that I profess a different faith and my traditions are very different from yours?
- If I really disliked your favorite singer/actor/writer, would that upset you?
- Would you be offended if I, in a calm and polite manner, point out your shortcomings and ask you to try to correct them?
- If you decide to take some action, and I start to dissuade you from it, because I see it as a threat, will there be problems between us?
- If one of us argues with a stranger and turns out to be wrong, and the second notices this, then what should the latter do? Would you still stand up for a friend, not interfere or point out the wrong?
Why is it important to ask
The 21st century is recognized as the century of tolerance and tolerance. However, it seems that not all of this information has been received. If a friend belongs to the category of people who do not tolerate objections, who do not know how to listen to other points of view, it will definitely be difficult with him. Whether it is worth being friends with such a person at all, everyone decides for himself, but trying to learn how to interact with these personalities can come in handy.
Some comrades appreciate it when their acquaintances gently point out their mistakes and help them to be better, others categorically do not accept criticism, and in any form. Both of them can be understood, but in order to choose the right approach to them, you will have to ascertain their preferences.
4. Trial by difficulty.
Sample Questions
- Can I tell you about all the difficulties of my life, or are there topics that are better not to mention in front of you?
- Will you continue to communicate with me if my standard of living deteriorates significantly, and yours, on the contrary, becomes better?
- Will it be a problem for you to let me sleep over or even stay with you for a while if I have problems with housing?
- If I lost my job, would you recommend me to your boss for a position at your firm? Would you hire me for your company?
- How much are you ready to help me in difficult times? Only morally or perhaps physically and financially too?
Why is it important to ask
Often people who promised to be around for almost a lifetime quickly evaporate at the slightest sign of impending problems. That is why it is better to make the discussion of this topic as deep as possible. Question “Will you be by my side in times of trouble?” almost everyone readily agrees, because refusal makes them cruel in the eyes of others. Clarification, modeling of specific situations will get rid of such hypocrisy, emphasize the inconsistency of the answers.
The degree of helping friends is also different for everyone. Some sincerely sympathize, are ready to offer moral support, others even to their own detriment will help with actions or financially and will expect the same in return.
5. Testing joys.
Sample Questions
- Should I share my joys with you, talk about my successes, if something unpleasant suddenly happened to you? Is it better to keep silent or talk about them later?
- If we have a friendly dispute with a good reward and I win, will you be happy for me?
- Are there any topics I’d rather not joke with you about?
- If I get an achievement in an area that is important to me, but generally incomprehensible or even unpleasant for you, will you be happy for me?
- How can I make you laugh when you’re in a bad mood? Joking, distracting or better not to touch?
Why is it important to ask
There is a type of personalities who are friends only in difficult times. As soon as their friends get in trouble, they are there. As soon as the clouds disappear from the horizon, the friends also leave. The reason is in elementary envy or fear of looking worse than a friend, in fact – in complexes. Less often – in lack of time.
Problems are added by a different understanding of happiness, reasons for pride and joy. Some enthusiastically treat even the smallest things, while others are very annoyed by such behavior. This is especially acute in a friendly bond between an optimist and a pessimist. If people perceive their differences as a reason for a quarrel, and not as a way to complement each other, there will be problems.
Take the test: optimist or pessimist
6. Distance.
Sample Questions
- If I am offered a profitable job in another city, will we keep in touch at a distance? Will we see each other at least once in a while?
- Would you continue to communicate with me if I went to another country for the rest of my life and the chance that we would ever see each other was negligible?
- Would you resent me for the fact that I began to devote less time to you due to moving and settling in a new place?
- Would you be friends with a person who is constantly on the road for work or love of travel, for which reason your meetings would be very irregular?
- Would you heed my complaint about the lack of communication between us if we lived far apart? Or would he justify it with distance and would not change anything?
Why is it important to ask
After graduating from school, university, when changing jobs or places of residence, even the strongest friendships gradually disintegrate over time. Few are willing to maintain contact, being at a great distance from each other. Even fewer among them are those who are ready to do this all their lives, and not temporarily, until the situation stabilizes.
Even if friends agree to such conditions, they may have other problems. Complaints and grievances of one about the lack of communication, irregularity, or complete absence of meetings (often their breakdowns at the very last moment) are only part of the possible difficulties. When discussing such a topic, it is important to soberly assess the conditions and your capabilities/desires, so that later, in which case, no one has any complaints.
7. Quarrels.
Sample Questions
- What words spoken in a quarrel would you not be able to forgive, even considering the fact that they were uttered on emotions and do not correspond to the truth?
- Who should make up first after quarrels? Is it important that the more guilty party should ask for forgiveness first? How to define it?
- Do you think that in all quarrels both parties are always to blame?
- What dispute could destroy our friendship that hundreds of others couldn’t?
- Is it possible to ask someone else who is not interested in the outcome to resolve the dispute? Or should our problems always be solved only between the two of us?
Why is it important to ask
Two different people with different views, interests, worldview in general are unlikely to avoid conflicts when approaching. And that’s fine, as long as the quarrels don’t get too frequent or violent (although for some, that drive is vital). It is important to know the mutual attitude to quarrels, the scope of what is permitted, and the level of self-control. This will show you what to expect in a quarrel, and help you develop the optimal behavior in a dispute.
Everyone has questions, the reactions to which seem exaggerated to others, but for the person himself they are really painful. Trying to learn these topics from each other and being careful about them is the key to mutual understanding.
8. Personal information.
Sample Questions
- Do you know about my main hobbies, preferences, interests?
- What gift would I definitely not want to receive for my birthday or other holiday?
- Do I have characteristic habits (I scratch my nose when I lie; I like to sort food by color; I never go out to smoke without a cup of coffee, etc.)?
- What are the things that annoy me the most and cause me to become angry or miserable in a short amount of time?
- What do you think I can be proud of in my life?
Why is it important to ask
What can be said about a person who knows practically nothing but formalities about his friends? That he won’t be long in their lives. It is important for close friends to get to know each other, as this helps to improve relationships. If the acquaintance does not try to develop in this direction in any way, he does not really need a strong friendship, or he is used to receiving without giving anything in return.
These questions to a friend are a kind of prevention of possible quarrels and even a break in friendship. They will help you get to know your loved one better, agree on an action plan for common life situations, and avoid sharp conflicts. In addition, their discussion is another way to spend time together in an interesting and useful way. Each of these topics is very important, so it will not be possible to ask only a few questions selectively. It is better to talk about everything, although you can study your interlocutor in stages.
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