What is a codependent relationship and how to stop living like this? “Love to the grave …”, “we will die one day …” – these words have become a motto for many people. Yes, what is there for many, we can say that for everyone. For only such relationships characterize true love. Remember your relationship, any, even those that are now. What are they? Just be honest! “I love until my jaw cramps, I can’t live without him or her.” Right? So, keep in mind, this is a codependent relationship. And such love is complete trash! Let me explain why, what consequences await you and how to deal with such a relationship.
What is a codependent relationship and how to stop living like this?
What is a codependent relationship?
Codependent relationships are characterized by complete dissolution in the partner. You immerse yourself in a person so much that you stop perceiving him as a separate person. For example, a new mother often says: “We went, we slept, we ate …”. She does not separate herself from the child. The same is true in codependent relationships. You become so emotionally attached to your partner that you forget yourself first of all. And your development is under real threat. You can call it the beginning of personal degradation.
On the one hand, everything is not as deadly as it seems. It’s so romantic when you hear your partner with hairs, you feel his mood thousands of kilometers away, you get sick when he barely crawls. But in fact it turns out that all this heresy is killing you as a person. Yes, turning on indifference is also not ice. You can’t say, they say, “oh, fuck it!”. So let’s figure out in which cases your love is really the one that is written about in books, and which love is toxic.
Signs of codependence
Psychologists have long understood human relationships. They identified key signs of a pathological relationship. Take a piece of paper and start putting plus signs where the statement coincides with your feelings.
- Discomfort. You can often hear about some couples that they live like a cat and a dog, quarrel endlessly, but at the same time do not diverge. They say to themselves: “Together it’s bad, apart it’s even worse.” Do you have the same? If there are 2-3 days of peace per week, and the rest are in quarrels, it is worth considering. Often you may feel that you are in a web, and there is no way to get out.
- Silent. An idiotic state from the category of “I invented it myself, I was offended by myself.” Communication takes place at the level of partisan detachments: some hints, guesses, secret signs. Are you a scout? Yes, if you feel a partner and immediately catch his thoughts and desires, this does not mean that he is a telepath, like you. Tell me, what is the problem to sit down and openly identify the problem that has arisen? And the fact that any conversation of this kind rolls into a banal hysteria with cries of “You don’t understand and don’t hear me!” and discussion of secondary details.
- Love is like a reward. One of the hallmarks of codependency is the endless compliance with expectations and demands. As soon as you mess up, they throw you into ignore, make a mournful face and show universal grief for lost love. By the way, at the same time you have a complete obooudochka. You are not better. You also demand certain things, and as soon as the partner deviates from the set course, you start throwing out candibobers. As a result, two idiots dance in front of each other on their hind legs endlessly proving their love. Idiocy…
- “I blinded him from what was …”. We are talking about the fact that we often begin to create our partner imagining ourselves as the arbiter of destinies. The conventional wisdom on the topic that a soul mate is the result of our actions in relation to it is popular at all times. Wives often turn their worthless boys into high-status men. Husbands say with pride and disdain that without their participation, the wife would have remained a simpleton in bast shoes. Yes, “Decembristism” is good to some extent, but not enough to make it your life.
A person who lives the life of his partner, strangles him with his overprotectiveness, tries to solve all his problems, takes on his shoulders the entire burden of responsibility. But at the same time, a terrible thing happens: you forget yourself. All your needs go by the wayside. And an endless sense of duty crushes you like a paver. Do you know what you will hear when the hour of parting comes? That you weren’t asked to do it…
- A step to the left, a step to the right is considered an escape, a jump in place is an attempt to fly away. Familiar? And it’s not just jealousy. It’s about total control. One missed call and the tantrum starts. Unauthorized absence is a disaster. Being 5 minutes late is a massive attack of angry messages. At the same time, the partner is in no way inferior in such fanaticism. Well and what is it? Love? Yes good! Not only is this sadomasochism, it is also a complete lack of trust skillfully disguised as “I’m worried!”. The horror is that for many couples this is considered normal and correct.
- I am you. A few decades ago, when psychology was just gaining momentum, it was correct to argue that the “I + I” relationship model is selfish. Yes, and people are constantly talking about some sort of halves. In fact, the erasure of personal boundaries is detrimental to everyone. People are no longer aware of responsibility to each other. Landmarks “yours – mine” fly into the furnace. The result is sad. In this case, there are two options for development: either you shift all responsibility onto your partner, or you take it entirely on yourself.
- From an elephant fly. Against the backdrop of all this mess, increased anxiety begins to develop. People can’t really explain what’s going on. But women often talk about chronic fatigue syndrome, panic attacks, constant inner excitement. Men are increasingly dropping into the wine department, explaining their emerging craving for alcohol as stress. And both do not understand that the roots of anxiety are not at work, but in the home.
- Like a cat with a dog. Against the background of increased anxiety, quarrels occur with enviable regularity. They are all like a blueprint: heavy, selfish, causeless. These conflicts start out of the blue and end just as suddenly. At the same time, both cannot even remember what the fuss is about. But they proudly declare to others that they swear over trifles and quickly forget. Well, yes, well, yes … husband and wife are one Satan, yeah … You know, but there is nothing to be proud of.
There are a lot of other, subtle signs that skillfully disguise themselves as generally accepted models of relationships. Look carefully, as a rule, these are the imposed principles of true love and a real, “correct” family. Such a partnership ends with the complete destruction of the social circle, depression, alcoholism, a persistent sense of hopelessness and despair.
How to deal with codependency?
If you think that you can deal with codependency on your own, then you are deeply mistaken. You can’t do without the help of a specialist. Yes, you can solve the problem radically – break up. But after all, any sore can be treated! Besides, parting is not the best solution. Let’s try to figure out what you can do on your own.
- Analyze family scenarios. We live according to the model of our family. The one you grew up in. Therefore, you need to consider in detail your family and the family of your partner. The root of the problem is there! If there are 60 – 70% matches, start reshaping everything. Live differently than your dad and mom. Break stereotypes.
- I + I. Designate clear boundaries. You are you, a partner is a partner. Begin with yourself. And not with requirements in relation to oneself, but to personal changes. Your man has the right to many things: to be late, to meet friends, to silent mode on the phone. He has the right to decide his own affairs and not report on his every step. As soon as you allow him all these indulgences, you can begin to demand the same.
- Take care of yourself. Stop living someone else’s life. From the fact that you score on your development as a person, no one gets better. Remember, personal degradation is a direct path to a broken trough. Develop. You can offer your partner your interests, but do not force him. Respect his hobby.
- Stop conflict. Tell me, why switch to raised voices and beat the dishes, if any issue can be resolved calmly. First, your partner is not a telepath. He can’t know the names of all your cockroaches. Say straight up what’s wrong. But not in a mentoring tone. Calmly and in the form of a request, and not in an orderly manner.
Codependent relationships occupy a strong niche in the life of society. Because it seems to people that it is so right, it should be so. But this is an incredible mistake that cost many family happiness. Look carefully, work on yourself and then your life will be happy.
5 KEY signs of a codependent relationship. How to get rid of codependency. Codependency Symptoms.