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What to do if I love an ex-boyfriend or husband? - LovePsychologys

What to do if I love an ex-boyfriend or husband?

Sometimes, after some time after breaking up with a guy, you start to miss him. Resentments and misunderstandings have disappeared, only the good moments that you experienced together remained in your memories. And it seems that going back to the past is not such a bad idea.

Is it really? Is it worth it?

What to do if I love an ex-boyfriend or husband?

Before attempting to get your ex back, you need to honestly face the reality – It will not be the same as before, because you have changed. You can’t just pick up and go back to the point when everything was fine between you.

No matter how much time has passed since the breakup, both you and the man have already gained new experience, your needs and goals could change, you are no longer the same people that you once were. That is when the actual fact is removed from me. Therefore, even if both of you are visited by thoughts of getting back together, it is important to understand that you have to start.

When you say that you need a parnem that means you have:

  • you know each other’s habits and needs;
  • you don’t have to overcome embarrassment to get close;
  • you “jump” a stage when you try to show yourself in the best light;
  • you have already found agreement on many domestic issues;
  • you know each other’s environment, and they know you: friends, relatives, colleagues;
  • you trust each other, the former are often perceived as more stable;
  • How are people?

However, such relationships have several serious drawbacks, the main of which are:

  • between you there will be a shadow of past grievances and mistakes that you will begin to involuntarily recall to each other;
  • there is often inequality in relationships, because the one who is to blame for the breakup will try harder, try to atone for guilt and “do work on mistakes”;
  • You will not be able to live through the stage of falling in love again, when you felt uplifted, inspired, ready to spend hours with each other.

What to do if I love an ex-boyfriend or husband

If you have feelings for the former, then you have 2 options – either try to build a relationship with him again, or abandon this idea and “overcome” your sympathy, that is, let it go.

To make the right decision, you need to honestly answer yourself to 3 simple questions:

  • Why do you want to get back together with your ex

How to get your ex partner back?

It happens that sympathy for an ex-boyfriend arises not at all from the fact that you have real feelings for him, but from the fear of loneliness, when, after parting, you realized that there is no “better option” yet.

Or you started to concentrate only on the good things that happened between you, but the quarrels and problems went to the second. It happens that feelings for the former are not connected with love, but with the desire for security and stability, because with him everything is easier, clearer.

Another reason is that you psychologically did not part with him. If you continue to communicate with him, follow his life, turn to him for help, flirt, then perhaps emotionally you have not let him go.

It is important to listen to yourself and clearly understand the reason for your desire, so that later you will not be disappointed.

  • Did the problem that caused the breakup go away?

Parting does not happen from scratch, it always has some reasons: conflict, betrayal, misunderstanding, there was too much of something in your relationship, for example, jealousy, resentment, tears, something too little – attention, support, worries, etc.

Don’t fool yourself with the thought that “he has changed” and you won’t step on the same rake again. Words are of little value in this case. Look at the situation objectively – has the problem that you could not cope with disappeared?

Isn’t that what you want? Are you asking about it?

  • Does the man want to continue the conversation

It is worth thinking not only about your desires, but also about his. Is there a real chance to start over? Does he want it, is he ready for it? Is he taking any action to get you back? Did he find someone else?

If, after answering these 3 questions, you realized that a relationship is impossible, then you need to focus on how to deal with your feelings in order to move on. First, you need to recognize reality and accept it.

Secondly, you should completely stop communicating with the ex that you like. Avoid meetings with him, do not follow him on social networks, do not look for hints that he misses you too. It is important to remember that a man may be bored, but this does not mean that he is going to return.

To get rid of feelings, you need to concentrate on yourself: your hobbies, goals, plans, communicate more with other people, stop thinking about the past all the time, live in the present.

How to return to past relationships?

If, after answering all 3 questions, you realize that you and your ex really have a chance to start over, it is important to understand that you have changed and there is no guarantee that you will still be comfortable with each other.

It is worth starting with friendly communication, meetings that do not oblige you to anything.

It is important to get emotionally close, to find out how each other is doing, what life priorities are most relevant for you now, how you survived the breakup and how you generally perceive what happened between you.

The next step is to develop new behavioral strategies. It’s kind of a bug fix. It’s important to be honest about what went wrong in your relationship, be able to admit you were wrong, and decide what the relationship could have been at its “best.”

For example, if a man made a scandal about the fact that you were late at work, you should immediately say how he feels about this now, because this situation may happen again.

Or, if you were constantly jealous of him when you talked with your colleague, are you now ready to live with it, if they still work together.

If you both decide you want to try getting back together, do it consciously. Take advantage of the benefits of being in a relationship with your ex, but think ahead about how you will deal with the downsides of such an interaction.

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