Why a man puts ultimatums in a relationship with a woman? “If you do not fulfill my conditions, then I …” – this phrase, which often allows you to take over a partner and force him to adapt to himself. An ultimatum is a strategy that helps win an argument and is often used internationally.
But is it so good for a relationship between a man and a woman? What can communication with the helper of ultimatums lead to and how will it affect the couple? For what reasons does a person resort to this method of interaction?
Why do you need an ultimatum in a relationship?
From the point of view of psychology, an ultimatum is a one-sided requirement for your partner in order to influence his behavior and get what you want. Usually an ultimatum is accompanied by certain conditions and contains a threat. This is expressed in the phrase “If you do not do this, then I …”.
Each partner chooses the consequences of non-compliance with the requirements. It could be a threat to change your behavior. For example, “It’s not necessary to wait until you see it.” Or there may be a threat of leaving: “if you talk to me like that, we will part.”
Both men and women put an ultimatum, sometimes stating: “If you continue like this, I will go to my mother”, “I will file for divorce”, etc.
A characteristic feature of the ultimatum is peremptory and the desire to suppress the other person. From the point of view of physiology, a person reacts to an ultimatum presented to him, as to a situation of danger.
The heartbeat becomes more frequent, the level of adrenaline rises, the person experiences fear. Therefore, the ultimatum can be compared with the passive aggression that a loved one shows.
Usually people choose this way of interaction, based on an immature internal position, from a childish desire to get what he wants.
It’s easier to set conditions than to understand the causes of the problem, analyze, grow above yourself and learn to understand the position of another person. After all, for this you need to have empathy, well-developed emotional intelligence, respect interesting and patrebatrip.
From the point of view of the psychology of relationships, there are a number of situations in which an ultimatum is the only way to protect your boundaries and build constructive interaction. Such cases include:
- change of partner;
- alcohol, drug or other types of addiction;
- physical or psychological abuse.
Ultimatums and manipulation in relationships
In this case, the ultimatum is not a threat, but a statement of the consequences that will come if the partner hits, gets drunk, has an intimate relationship with another, etc. In all other cases, the ultimatum in a relationship will have adverse consequences.
The main thing is that it should be a clear position, and not a method of manipulation.
If a person puts forward such an ultimatum, he protects himself, his personal integrity and mental well-being. You need to be prepared to keep your word and not turn it into empty threats.
Otherwise, such conditions will be empty words that the partner will not believe if you limit yourself to only promises.
Why does a partner give an ultimatum?
If the problem does not apply to extreme situations that affect human security and the value system, then a man puts an ultimatum to his beloved for several reasons:
- he is not ready to sort things out and work on them – you need to spend time, effort on this, be ready to admit your guilt or take responsibility, therefore it is much easier to simply put the other person in front of the fact: “Either be the way I want, or I will leave” ;
- he considers his position the only acceptable one – this is usually characteristic of people of conservative views, incapable of flexible thinking and unable to adapt to new circumstances;
- he tries to manipulate his partner in order to get what he wants – in this case, the ultimatum becomes an unfounded threat in order to extract a specific benefit. For example, a man declares that he will leave if the wife does not stop communicating with her girlfriends;
- he is not ready to change – compromise implies reciprocity. If a person wants another to change, he himself needs to make concessions. You need to be able to analyze your requirements and adjust them, taking into account the needs of loved ones, but kaizh is capable of this;
- he does not know how to listen and respect the opinion of his partner – in this case, the person simply does not hear her, attention is focused only on his own desires and needs;
- he repeats the parental model of behavior – if his own father and mother communicated with each other with the help of ultimatums, then the person grows up convinced that this is a completely acceptable way of interaction;
- he wants to win the argument – not finding arguments that can prove the case, the person tries to drive the interlocutor into a dead end, to force him to give in for the sake of maintaining relations;
- he wants to assert himself – an ultimatum, it is always a manifestation of power and control over another person;
- he is subject to social attitudes, for example: “A man is always right”, “Husband is the head of the family”, “I must have the last word”, “If you give in, you will become henpecked”, etc.
Negative consequences of an ultimatum in a relationship
In the short term, momentary perspective, the ultimatum allows you to achieve what you want. For example, to force a partner to change his behavior, to make him more “comfortable”, to win an argument, to win up, to feel like a winner.
This way of communication has an extremely negative impact on the couple, because:
- the quality of the relationship is deteriorating;
- trust and openness disappear from communication;
- resentment and discontent of one of the partners appears;
- the feeling of security in communication decreases;
- the psychological distance between partners increases;
- there comes a feeling of disappointment in a loved one and, as a result, the search for another partner;
- there is more secrecy and deceit – a person who succumbed to the demands of another does it insincerely, which means that next time he will prefer to deceive than to try to talk and establish communication;
- increased levels of anxiety and irritability.
As a rule, ultimatums lead to parting. If you are one of the partners who are close to you, you will be able to do so. Begins to repress his needs and desires. This leads to tension and irritation. Disappears intimacy and trust.
Ultimately, quarrels only become more, and love fades away. Because relationships are always a compromise, that is, a mutual desire to make concessions so that both are happy.
If the conditions of happiness are dictated unilaterally, the opinion of the other partner is not respected, the needs are ignored – this will not lead to the strengthening of your union.
To build healthy, strong relationships in which no one suppresses each other, you need to not only talk about your desires, but also recognize the right of the other to do so. It is necessary to learn to respect his position, to be ready to seek a compromise, change and grow above yourself.