Why does the guy not want to marry you and what to do in this case? This is familiar to many – you find each other, fall in love, meet. And everything seems to be fine, your relationship is developing. But then it turns out that one of you wants to legitimize the relationship, and the second one is not at all ready for this. What to do in such a situation?
Let’s start with the fact that unpreparedness for marriage is different. Someone, having decided to talk to a partner about marriage, understands that he has a positive attitude towards marriage, but has not yet matured for such a serious step. But for some, a heart-to-heart conversation with a loved one can be completely shocking – it turns out that the partner, in principle, sees no point in marriage. Or you both want a wedding, but your ideas about the perfect marriage and the perfect wedding are completely opposite.
Below you will find advice from a group of excellent experts who know more about this issue than you or your partner. Please read these guidelines carefully. They might save your relationship.
“Communication can clear up any, even the most confusing situation,” says clinical hypnotherapist, author, and educator Rachel Astar. “Discuss with your partner how he feels about the legal side of marriage. Of course, marriage is to some extent more of a business contract than an act of celebrating love and bright feelings, ”admits Rachel.
If your partner is positive about serious and long-term relationships, but does not digest the legal side of marriage, discuss this issue with him.
“Rituals like marriage are an integral part of human relationships. They make the ephemeral and astral aspects of love more tangible and mundane. We can say that you are getting married in two worlds at once,” Astar explains. Perhaps you will find another way for yourself to confirm your relationship without entering into an official marriage.
“Perhaps your partner needs to officially legitimize your relationship. In any case, you need to have a heart-to-heart talk without judgment. In this case, you will find a compromise. You have to find a solution that you both like,” says Rachel.
And if your partner is not ready for marriage in the near future, understand and accept it. This is what Zen psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michel Paiva advises. This may be painful for you, but you need to recognize your partner’s right to think and feel in their own way without making a fuss.
If your partner decides to speak frankly with you, appreciate it. Listen to him. Not everyone dares to be so honest.
“If you feel that you need marriage, ask yourself the question: “Do I need this person or do I just like the idea of marriage?” Michelle says. If you demand a wedding, despite the fact that the partner is against it, and the fact of marriage is more important for you than the relationship, then the answer is obvious. If you are ready to break up with this person and go in search of a partner who shares your point of view, do it. There is no need to wallow in anticipation. “Everything is fine. A happy marriage is not built on a sense of duty or guilt,” says Michel.
And if your relationship with this person is dear to you, and you are ready to give up marriage, fine. The main thing is to get rid of illusions and hopes that a person will change.
What about you?
“Why do you want marriage so much? Why does your partner want (or not want) this?” asks Janet Zinn, a family therapist in New York.
“It often happens that you want the same things, but in different packaging. Often we get married only because society requires it from us, and we ourselves do not think about what we need. Some couples want to have a strong and long-term relationship, but marriage seems to them something impersonal and unreal. Be that as it may, you need to talk with your partner and discuss different points of view.
It’s important to go deeper into what marriage means to both of you. If you do this, your relationship will reach a new level. And you will get to know yourself better,” explains Zinn.
Why do you need this?
“I think, first of all, you need to ask yourself why you want to get married so much,” says psychologist Nicole Martinez.
“Forget about the ceremony and paper slips. Are you happy as a couple, want to be together and see no reason to break up? Perhaps the idea of marriage was imposed on you by society or family members, but in fact all this is not so important to you? In other words, if you are ready to break off a great relationship just because of this conflict, be sure that you really want to get married.
If you have a happy relationship, love and trust, is it worth giving up all this for the sake of officially legalizing marriage? Hardly. But if your relationship leaves much to be desired, this is already worth considering, ”says Martinez.
What is marriage?
“Talk about what marriage means to both of you. Marriage is not just a declaration of love in front of a crowd of people,” says Kali Rogers.
It may turn out that you look at marriage in a completely different way than your other half.
For some, marriage is a confirmation of financial well-being. Others perceive it as a springboard before the start of family life. People have different values and expectations, so you need to be honest about it. This conversation can clear up a lot – both for you and for your partner.
Change of world view
“If you and your partner no longer have the same relationship goals, it’s time for a soul-searching,” says April Masini, New York-based coach and author.
“It often happens that you have been pursuing a goal since childhood, forgetting to analyze it from time to time. Life flows and changes, and some goals become irrelevant, ”reminds April.
If you’ve dreamed of a beautiful ceremony since childhood, and your partner is against marriage, it’s time to stop and decide how important marriage is to you at this stage in your life.
“Everything happens in life. Desires change, someone dies, someone gets fired, and someone gets into an accident – life has many ways in which it can ruin all our plans. If you want to get married, but your loved one is against it, it’s time to take a break and reflect on your desires and goals.
You may want to leave this relationship and find someone who is more suitable for you. Or you will realize that you need this particular person, and you can refuse the idea of marriage, ”explains April.
“See a therapist to see if your relationship is worth saving,” suggests psychologist Jennifer Rhodes.
“It’s wise to explore the topic of marriage early on, but even if you’re already in the middle of a conflict, getting professional advice can help you find a solution that’s satisfying for both of you.”
What is behind all this?
“The fear of commitment is the fear of loss. When we subscribe to some obligations, we understand in advance that there is a risk of failure. People who were once rejected may try to protect themselves in this way – by refusing to commit. In fact, it doesn’t save them from anything. They deprive themselves of the opportunity to enjoy relationships. Some say they don’t want to get married because the relationship isn’t “ideal” – in fact, there’s again the fear of responsibility.
The only way to force such a partner to change his attitude towards marriage is to leave. As long as he or she has the opportunity to be around you, they have no motivation to agree to marriage. Of course, there are certain risks – a partner can remain in his opinion even after parting. But the fact remains that your partner just doesn’t love you enough to take responsibility for the relationship. So it’s worth finding someone else for yourself,” says Tina Tessina, a psychotherapist and writer.
Ultimately, experts agree that it is very important to learn to be honest with yourself. If you lie to yourself, you will not see happiness – neither in marriage, nor without it.
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