Why does the husband constantly complain about his wife where and slanders her? If you found out that your husband complains about your family problems to third parties, you probably felt yourself. And it is not so important with whom exactly he speaks – with friends, relatives, colleagues. How to change it?
Why does the husband complain about his wife?
Such complaints harm your relationship. First, because strangers are aware of the details of your life.
Secondly, complaints are always negative. Therefore, other people form not the most pleasant image of your personality, one-sided and inappropriate.
Why does the husband do this? On this it is not possible to write:
- complaints as a response;
- complaints as a habit;
- complaints as a result of the inability to resolve conflicts;
- complaints as a way of life.
Complaining as a response
People often complain without realizing it. And, perhaps, this behavior of the husband follows from the fact that he noticed that the wife herself complains. Communicating with her mother or friends, he could find out that they were aware, for example, of the details of the last sermeisse.
Seeking help, wanting to discuss her problems with at least someone, the wife herself complains about her husband. After that, relief comes, because she spoke out and received support. She calmed down and realized how much she loves her husband.
But having learned about this, the husband can be just as unpleasant as the wife when she “convicted” him of such a thing. But the situation is the same.
Therefore, first of all, you need to carefully analyze your communication with friends and relatives. Think about whether you have a similar habit? If yes, then you need to get rid of it.
In such a situation, it is best to admit that you are doing the same, and understand his feelings. Agree that you both don’t do that again.
Complaining as a habit
The fact that a husband complains about his wife to other men may just be a persistent pattern of behavior. In simple words, a habitual reaction to a problem.
This habit is usually developed in childhood. If he had a difficult relationship with his parents, they did not understand him.
The child realized that there was no point in talking to them. And the experience, the feeling of resentment, injustice remained. Then he went to friends and others in the wind, so they have by the confidants other and complained in it. There was relief.
Is the man whining and complaining? Dangerous relationship with a whining man!
Relief is a form of positive reinforcement that has made this response sustainable. Growing up, a man may continue to act in a similar behavioral pattern.
Subconsciously, he is convinced that speaking openly, arguing – does not make sense, on will not be heard. And to make it easier, you need to speak out to someone who will just listen, without notations and claims.
Complaints as a result of the inability to resolve conflicts
This reason is close to the previous one, but it has its own nuances and largely depends on your behavior during a quarrel. What need is satisfied by complaining? The need to speak out and be understood.
Friends or mother will always understand, listen. If during quarrels you try to listen to each other, to understand, but only reproach your friend
If a husband is not satisfied with something in a relationship, and he talks about it, but stumbles upon denial or mutual reproaches from his wife, then you have to complain to someone else in order to relieve internal tension.
Remember your last conflict and the words of your husband. Was he heard? Have you tried to understand him? And he you? Are you good at negotiating? If not, then you can learn it.
Complaints as a way of life
This is the most difficult reason to deal with, especially if the husband himself does not want it. If you notice that your husband, in principle, constantly complains: about you – to friends, about the boss – to you, he is not satisfied with the job, country, apartment, car, and so on.
Here the question is rather not that he “takes dirty linen out of the hut”, he just always complains. This is his life position, which is closely related to the external locus of control. Someone is always to blame for all his problems, but not himself.
This is an infantile position of a person who is not ready to take responsibility for his life. And not ready to make any decisions. He does not want to improve your relationship, preferring to complain about what a “bad wife” you are.
He doesn’t want to change jobs because “this boss is a petty tyrant” or “there is no normal work in our country” and so on.
This approach has secondary benefits:
- he gets confirmation of his “rightness” – because he always finds those who are on his side, for example, his mother, or the same “whiners” who scold health care, the weather and migrants who “took all the jobs”;
- he easily shifts the blame to someone else who cannot object because he is not participating in the conversation;
- he takes on the role of a victim and a martyr – thereby arouses pity and sympathy, because he shows how he suffers because of his wife, who “only does what she saws.”
This position in life is very convenient and beneficial, so people are in no hurry to leave this role. And you can’t change his position.
Do details matter?
Note the nature of his complaints. If they are “with everyone and about everything,” then this is a vital position. If they appear after a quarrel with you, this is either a habitual reaction or an inability to resolve conflicts.
If the complaints apply only to you, he may notice that you are also complaining to friends or relatives. Or you do not want to hear and understand it.
But there are two important points to pay attention to. If a husband complains about you to your mother, often compares you, then these are signs that he has not separated from his parents, that is, he may be a “sissy”. And the main problem is precisely in this, and not in the complaints themselves.
If a husband constantly complains to you about his ex-wife or girlfriend, he may not have emotionally separated from her. He either hasn’t gotten over the trauma of the breakup, or psychologically he hasn’t ended the relationship yet.
If the gap was recent – this is normal. If a significant amount of time has passed, this may be a problem that needs to be dealt with.
Is it possible to change a husband?
The ability to help a husband get rid of the habit of complaining depends on several factors:
- the reasons for his behavior – if this is a response, then you need to stop complaining about him yourself, if the inability to resolve conflicts – learn to talk to each other for real, and so on;
- if he has a desire to change – he may not want to give up secondary benefits.
First, help your husband understand the reasons for his constant complaints.
Second, talk to him frankly. Not blaming, not attacking. Talk about your feelings, experiences. Donezi wazhnosti togo, chto ne nado vynosite problems za predela doma.
Thirdly, learn to listen to each other. Create an atmosphere in the family in which everyone has the right to speak out, not to be ridiculed and to know that his words will not be followed by resentment or hysteria from his wife.
Make it a rule to complain about miracles to friends, or rather, calmly talk about problems and compatibility.