Why jealousy is not always a sign of love?

Why jealousy is not always a sign of love? “He who is not jealous does not love,” said Aurelius Augustine in his work On Marriage and Lust. Since then, the idea has become very popular and is still relevant in society. But it is not always understood correctly.

Indeed, if a man does not experience the slightest Jealousy When He Sees that his wife is flirting With Another, Perhaps He simply does not love her anymore. It is highly likely that there is no love without jealousy. No where you live before you live.

On the Benefits of Jealousy

Jealousy is a negative experience experienced by a person in a competitive situation.

He realizes that someone else is encroaching on his partner’s attention.

This causes in him a sense of threat and a desire to stop this encroachment.

In this regard, healthy jealousy becomes even useful in a relationship, because with its help the partner realizes that I am important to this person, he values ​​​​our union and is not going to let third parties destroy it.

The 2017 Imaging, Behavior and Endocrine Analysis of “Jealousy” in a Monogamous Primate study by scientists at the University of California found what happens in the brains of primates that experience jealousy.

It turned out that when a male sees that his female is with another, he experiences strong STRess. Produces testosterone and cortisol.

A jealous person at this moment can experience sensations comparable to real pain. At the same time, his level of fear decreases, which makes him ready to join the battle for the lady of his heart.

No one should do it one way – you primates will activate the structure of the month, and it will do for you. We can say that at this moment the thought appears: “Be with this female, do not let her go, otherwise something crazy will happen.

Scientists suggest that the same brain structures are activated in a person when he proposes to his beloved.

In this way, healthy jealousy can really strengthen a marriage and the feeling of love. However, the key here is the concept of “healthy jealousy”.

She assumes there is a real reason, such as when a colleague flirts with a guy’s girlfriend. Or she said that she stayed overnight with her friend, who is secretly in love with her.

The second indicator of healthy jealousy is the jealous self-control. On the other hand, it is possible to give it to someone who wants it.

Jealous means love?

Realizing that a person does not like this or that Situation, he can calmly tell his soul mate about this and explain his feelings.

What kind of jealousy destroys relationships?

But the jealousy of a partner is far from always adequate. Then we are talking about a feeling that is pathological in nature and is expressed in:

  • a constant desire to control your partner – where is he, with whom, who is his friend, with whom he corresponds, who chats;
  • a feeling of anxiety that appears, If a person does not know where his beloved is – For example, she was late for half an hour And he has already called her 10 times;
  • obsessive negative thoughts – a jealous man constantly thinks that he will be abandoned, that a woman has someone, any quarrel is perceived as a threat to relationships;
  • “playing the detective” – ​​a person is constantly trying to find evidence of his partner’s infidelity, as if wanting him in something;
  • the presence of an “imaginary third” – even if a person has not found evidence, he is still sure that someone IS. Moreover, this is not necessarily one person, an imaginary third appears in the face of a neighbor, seller, fitness trainer.

There is no trust and true intimacy in such relationships. A woman will sooner or later get tired of constant control and violation of personal boundaries, and will stop communicating.

Why jealousy is not always a sign of love?

Unhealthy jealousy has different causes, but they have nothing to do with love, moreover, often they are not even related to the behavior of a partner. A jealous man would treat his other girlfriend in the same way. Usually behind this behavior is:

  • a sense of ownership;
  • projection;
  • negative experience;
  • low self-esteem.


The jealous man in this case does not perceive his girlfriend as an independent person. In his understanding, she is an extension of him. Therefore, she must think and act in accordance with his expectations.

Such a person is sure that He A priori has the right to control and manage her, decide for her with whom to communicate, Where to go, how to dress. Usually this is accompanied by suggestion to the woman that it is she who is to blame for all His fits of jealousy, After all, she did not behave the way she should have.


This is a psychological mechanism in which a person unconsciously ascribes to another what he experiences himself. This is expressed in the fact that some pathological jealous people themselves are prone to thoughts of betrayal, infidelity, although they are convinced that “I am not such a person.”

Because of the internal conflict between his true desires and the image of himself in which a person believes, he has a feeling of constant tension, which finds relaxation in scenes of jealousy.

They do not ascribe such ideas to themselves, but rather transfer them to their partner, beginning to sincerely believe that “Since I think about it, it means she does too.” , so that it is possible to change the wine to this on the part:

  • “it was you who provoked me”;
  • “Now you will understand what I”;
  • “This is in revenge for your infidelity.”

Moreover, it doesn’t matter whether there was a reason for jealousy or not, the person has already convinced himself of everything in order to ease his own. However, it is not possible to pay for it, and it is possible to say that it is possible to protect against it.

Negative experience

If a man experienced cheating in a past relationship and the event was traumatic, he will be constantly jealous of his new girlfriend out of fear that this will happen again. He has not worked through the negative experience and cannot see the difference between past relationships and current ones.

Moreover, he lacks the strength to see a real person in front of him, and not the shadow of his ex. Sometimes this leads to generalizations, expressed in the attitude “All women cheat.” In this case, jealousy is the result of psychological trauma.

Low self-esteem

If a man is not confident in himself, he has complexes, the feeling “I am not worthy of this woman”, “I am worse than others”, “She will definitely leave me” constant jealousy is only the embodiment of his fear of failure in relationships.

He is initially convinced that he does not deserve love, that there will always be someone better, so he tries to control his girlfriend, hoping thereby to keep her close to him.

In itself, healthy jealousy is quite normal. A man in love wants his partner’s attention to belong only to him. But he must realize that one cannot limit the other person.

But when jealousy acquires a pathological character, She is no longer connected with love in any way, it is simply the result of a man’s internal problems.

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