Wife Cheating on Husband: 8 Essential Steps

How to live with the fact that the wife is cheating? Get a divorce? But what about happy years, children, love, banal addiction, and even jointly acquired property? Forgive? But is it real? How to proceed further, how to make a choice with minimal damage to yourself – in detail in the article.

1. Do not hide emotions.

What feelings does the person who has been cheated on usually experience? Pain, resentment, disappointment, disgust, humiliation, and anger are natural reactions to betrayal. And they can not be “corked” in oneself. The injured party has every right to express these emotions. However, everything should be done wisely.

Of course, in the first second after the discovery of such a truth, one wants to destroy everything, scream, take revenge. Someone immediately runs for a bottle, remembers all the obscene language, or is looking for a secluded place to finally allow himself to cry. Everyone experiences pain in their own way. And throwing out this negativity is useful.

But you should not take extreme irrevocable steps, which you will have to regret later – rush into a fight, cause moderate physical or moral harm to yourself or a traitor, change in response.

Firstly Who knows how things will turn out later? Suddenly everything turns out to be a misunderstanding or slander. Or there will be a desire to save the relationship.
Secondly, if there are children in the family, it will directly affect them.
Thirdly, to resentment and other negative emotions, then guilt will also be added. People often regret things they did impulsively. Why add another reason for self-flagellation?
Fourth, it will not become easier after such actions. The pain will not go anywhere, but will only fall like a double burden.

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How then to be?

Talk, open your pain, thoughts, as far as it is considered natural and necessary. “You betrayed me and it’s hard for me. I don’t know yet how we should proceed.”. “I did not expect betrayal from you, it was low of you.. “I don’t want to see you now. What you did was vile and humiliating.”.

These and similar phrases without a direct transition to personalities will help both throw out emotions and not regret what was said later. In other words, you can condemn her dishonest act, talk about your experiences and how it will affect the whole family. But it is better to refrain from insulting your wife as a person in general, especially in front of other people, at least for now.

2. Hear her version of events.

Cheating is an act that is very difficult to justify. Unless, of course, it really happened, and did not turn out to be a simple misunderstanding.

However, even if there was adultery, it is still important, overcoming your offense, to find out how the spouse herself sees the situation. If the wife turned out to be a pathological traitor or went to another man because she fell in love with him, it is unlikely that anything will be restored.

And partly it’s good. These are dead ends and painful situations, but they remove doubts about what to do next. Such reasons do not then cause a feeling of guilt a la “maybe I could have done something, but I never did”.

There are other motives, and they are not as unambiguous as we would like:

slept with another because she was the victim of blackmail (the man threatened to be fired, physical violence, or something like that);
she committed adultery out of stupidity or being intoxicated, but at the same time she strongly and sincerely regrets it, makes attempts to stay with her husband, regain his trust;
found someone on the side because there are serious problems in the marriage that cannot (or it seems to her) cannot be fixed. At the same time, most likely she did not make ends meet, because there is a child from her husband.

None of these reasons will eventually make life the same, will not heal the completely inflicted wound. However, she will give a logical explanation why the life partner suddenly decided to spoil everything.

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3. Increase distance.

The motive of her act is known – now it’s time to move away from her. It is very difficult to think about your decision when the walking cause of pain looms before your eyes.

It is advisable to leave for a while – to another apartment or even a city, so as not to see your spouse for some time and devote time to your thoughts without distractions. And yes wife is the main distraction in this regard.
If there is no way to move out somewhere, you can at least spend the night in different rooms, reducing all contacts to a minimum. However, this will not help if the couple lives in a one-room apartment. In this case, there is a third option.
Tell the traitor: “I don’t want you to touch me, call me affectionate nicknames, or take care of me like you used to. I (still love you, but) (yet) can’t come to terms with what you did, so it’s hard for me when you do any of the above.”.

The victim has every right to do so. No excuses like “think about the family”, “what about the children”, “if you loved, you would forgive” are not arguments.

Having moved away from his wife, the husband gets to know another person closer – himself. And it is right, the period of solitude should not become self-imprisonment. It is needed in order to discover one’s own desires, to consider the circumstances, to determine goals, to outline a plan of action.

Often, after a woman’s infidelity, a man becomes ambitious, climbs the career ladder, discards the excess, begins to take more risks and enjoy life. Not immediately, of course, but over time. The main thing is not to let your self-esteem fall to the bottom.

4. Hear yourself.

It is very important to understand whether there is any desire and strength to correct the situation. Is there any love left, good memories that you still want to fight for? Because if so, it’s going to be a hard, long road. There is no point in going through the whole stage or even starting it if the person is not sure that he wants to be with the one who cheated on him. You can ask yourself a few questions:

Will I not remind her of her misdeed at the slightest quarrel, if I decide to stay?
Will I be able to calmly react later when someone calls her or she stays at work for only a couple of minutes, mentions some man in the story, etc.?
Children may not be aware of the whole picture, but they will certainly notice and feel the changes in their parents’ attitudes. How to explain it to them?
What rules will have to be established to make life together better?
Will I feel disgust in bed – during or after sex with her?

None of these questions can be answered unambiguously. The only thing is – do you want to strain at all and find a way out of every situation. If yes, then it’s time to get down to business, if not, the advice is the same.

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5. Take the final step.

Possible to-do list if you decide to divorce:

formally file for divorce;
decide on the division of property, who will take care of the pets;
find out with whom the children will stay and agree on a schedule of meetings with them for the parent with whom they will not live;
talk to children, parents, possibly mutual friends and explain the situation to them;
if there are difficulties, hire a divorce lawyer;
provide yourself with housing (move to your parents, to a dacha, to a rented apartment or defend the right to current housing)

What can be done, if you decide to forgive and stay:

seek help from a family therapist;
have a serious conversation with your spouse and make sure that she also wants to restore the family;
arrange a second honeymoon, go somewhere and be just the two of you;
throw away all the rubbish from the house, change the arrangement of furniture in the apartment, make major repairs or even change housing / city / country so that the old environment does not remind you of a painful period;
explain to the children that mom and dad are going through a relationship crisis and they need time to deal with it.

Both options are complex, require a lot of nerves and strength. It is better to think carefully at first, so that later you do not regret your decision halfway to the result.

And now a couple of ideas of what not to do.

6. Do not rush to your feet.

Nobody appreciates what they get without effort. If the wife cheated on her husband, and at the same time he also begs her to stay, nothing good will come of it. A woman will not value her husband, but he will only humiliate himself and cause himself even more pain.

A man will definitely not feel better if wounded pride is added to the betrayed feelings.

7. Don’t impulsively burn all your bridges.

You have to be prudent, despite the fact that it is very difficult in such a situation. Although the spouse has already “broken firewood”, it makes no sense to aggravate everything with rash acts or words. It will be even more difficult to disentangle later.

What’s done can’t be taken back, and quarrels and a final breakup can arouse feelings of guilt, helplessness, and even more cornered.

8. Don’t ask friends for advice.

It’s good if there is an experienced psychologist among friends, but such comrades are, frankly, extremely rare. Of course, you can share your grief with your closest, trusted friends. But only in order to pour out the soul, get rid of heavy thoughts and emotions. Best not to ask for advice.

If they are mutual friends, they can take the wife’s side. Or, on the contrary, then quarrels will begin with the spouse about the fact that the husband “lured” everyone to his side and generally plays the victim out of himself (although the spouse is really the injured party).
They will advise “urgent divorce”, without even understanding the whole situation, simply because their friend is hurting. They can be understood, but then it is not for them to live with the thought that everything could be fixed.
There will be someone who will say “think of the children” or something like that. Even in an apparently impasse situation, this will make you doubt your decision. In other words, it will not be an independent choice, but an inspiration from the outside.
“When a friend turned up suddenly …”. One of these people may simply benefit from a man making a certain decision. A longtime friend who saw her chance. A secret admirer of his wife, in whom hope appeared.
No matter how the situation is resolved in the end, friends will remain silent (or not) witnesses of an unpleasant event and an eternal reminder of it.

Close acquaintances are good, but decisions regarding personal life are made independently and regardless of their opinion.

The fact that the wife is cheating does not end with destroyed happiness and the loss of the meaning of life. Often this is an impetus for changes in oneself, “opening one’s eyes”, self-development. Whether the spouses remain together at the same time or disperse – it’s all the same, albeit a difficult, but invaluable lesson. Either he will make you look at yourself from a different perspective, or he will teach you in a different way, to choose people more carefully.

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