How Impostor Syndrome Happens in Relationships. From childhood, we are taught to think that love must be earned – mom will be pleased with you only if you get no more than two fours in a quarter. Dad will buy you a new Sony, but only when you and your older brother make it a habit to clean the house every day. Over time, these thoughts, turning into impostor syndrome, begin to poison the relationship.
You look at your partner and you understand: damn, he is so cool! Handsome, smart, fluent in Latin, watching arthouse – well, why does he need someone like me ?! Although, in fact, the guy is the most ordinary, and you are far from a timid ten, it’s just that now you are under the influence of the described syndrome. We understand how it appears in a relationship and whether it is necessary to get rid of it.
When a person doubts that love for him is deserved
Imposter syndrome is often talked about in a professional context: Valerie Young, author of The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, explains that it manifests itself in this way.
You secretly think that you are not as smart, successful, competent as your colleagues, and you are constantly afraid that other people will find out.
The same, according to the family therapist Morai Siger Dejir, manifests itself in communication with partners – there is a feeling that no matter how elegant you are in bed, no matter how you strike others, the guy will notice in an instant what you really are. worthless. As a result, people suffering from the impostor syndrome are simply afraid to open up to their loved ones – there is a risk of not seeming so cool at all.
Why is a person afraid of being exposed?
There are several reasons why it seems like you need to prove time after time that you are worthy of a relationship.
Tendency to compare yourself to others
Masha manages to get promoted at work and take care of the house. Tanya now and then bathes in gifts from her partner – she is so chic. Anya generally posts a photo on Instagram where she enjoys a vacation in Thailand with her husband, and they are so beautiful, loving, happy … And a person with impostor syndrome wants to be just as successful in the eyes of others – this is how internal self-doubt appears.
Attempts by a partner to underestimate a person’s self-esteem
Often the impostor syndrome is the result of living with a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder: he is confident in his own exceptionalism and skillfully convinces others of the same. Against this background, a person with the impostor syndrome may well seriously doubt his own abilities and try to get at least a little closer to the partner’s standards.
Lack of a sense of security
Dr. Dejir explains that often a similar syndrome appears in a relationship if a person initially believes that well-being in a couple depends only on his ability to hide his shortcomings – otherwise there will be trouble.
Often, these people think, “I’m not doing enough,” even if it’s not. It is important to remember that this feeling will not go away on its own, that it will continue to prevent you from getting close to another if nothing is done about it.
How to recognize that we are all worthy of love
It is important to convince a person who suffers from the impostor syndrome that he is good in himself, and that the partner chose him for who he is, which means that everything suits him. Here’s what will help cement that feeling.
Talking thoughts with a partner
According to Dr. Dejir, her patients often experience impostor syndrome alone, without initiating a partner into it – he may simply not know what is really happening with a loved one. So it will not be superfluous to pronounce doubts with loved ones.
When you talk about your fears out loud, you give your partner a chance to help you and free yourself from the burden of self-flagellation.
Refusing to compare yourself to others
Yes, girlfriends can maintain perfectly sleek social media profiles and boast in every possible way about how wonderful everything is with them, but this is their life, not yours. Often, attempts to introduce someone else’s scenario into your realities can be compared with pulling an owl on a globe: remember that you and your partner are unique individuals who have the right to conduct relationships in a way that is convenient for you. Perhaps you do not fly abroad so often or you are not so well established, but there are probably other advantages in your union that are worth envying – remember this.
Dejir assures that a group visit to a specialist, if not healing, will definitely provide additional support: a psychologist will be able to reach out to both of you, understand why you really feel your own insignificance, and help you cope with this condition. The partner will receive recommendations on how to help you during the period of establishing a new reality. How Impostor Syndrome Happens in Relationships.