​​On-off Relationship: 5 tips to finally be happy

On-off relationship: 5 tips to finally be happy together

Cheering to heaven or saddened to death – that’s exactly how you can describe an on-off relationship. Periods of perfect bliss when you’re together are regularly followed by a deep slump when you break up. An on-off relationship is a real rollercoaster of emotions: you can’t do it with him, but you can’t do it without him either. This article is for you if you are fed up with it once and for all and want to finally be happy with your partner.

What exactly is an on-off relationship?

An on-off relationship is a relationship characterized by constant breakups and reconciliations. From the third separation, this is a fixed pattern; then one speaks of an on-off relationship. Of course, this also applies if the man simply doesn’t contact you for several weeks, even if he didn’t break up with you directly. 

Incidentally, this phenomenon is becoming more and more common. In my coaching sessions, I constantly hear that women are stuck in an on-off relationship. On the one hand, this may be due to the fact that people no longer want to commit themselves in our fast-moving society and, on the other hand, to the fact that many people suffer from the fear of commitment and thus have difficulties in leading a happy relationship full of intimacy and closeness. Without wanting to, many women end up in an on-off relationship.

After the third separation and reconciliation, one speaks of an on-off relationship.

My “5 K” strategy to break the on-off relationship

I know exactly how exhausting an on-off relationship is. A real roller coaster ride of emotions! You can’t think of anything else and you’re obsessed with this one man. But no worry. There is a way out! With my “5 K” strategy you can finally break out of the vicious circle of on-off relationships. She will help you to gain clarity about your own desires and give important impulses on how you can turn your on-off relationship into a happy one.

1. No contact in the on-off relationship

The most effective way to prevent an on-off relationship is to block contact. This means – as the name suggests – that you temporarily do not contact the man at all, but wait for him to contact you. The intention behind this is to convey to him that you have better things to do than chase him. Because it’s like this: The on-off relationship can only work if you play along. If he knows he can break up with you and you still take him back three days later, that’s sort of an invitation to an on-off relationship. Why would he change his pattern when he knows you’ll forgive him anyway? You have to make it very clear to him that you are no longer playing these games and doing his bidding. So he notices that you can now set boundaries and that is incredibly important if you want to overcome the on-off relationship.

Because let’s be honest: If you’re in an on-off relationship because Monsieur can’t decide and doesn’t know exactly what he wants, that’s simply a lack of appreciation. The contact block ensures that you automatically have a higher status in his life and appear much more attractive to him. After all, men are actually still hunters like in the Stone Age: something is valuable when you have to fight for it.


Breakaway from him emotionally

By the way, blocking contact in the on-off relationship not only means that you break off all contact with him for the time being, but also that you detach yourself from him internally: you no longer call him, you no longer write to him and you stalk him neither does his social media profile. Make sure you take the time during the contact ban to reflect: What do you really want? What is important to you in a relationship? You can also gain enough emotional distance during this time to get a bird’s eye view of your relationship. This will give you much more clarity than if you are still stuck in emotional chaos.

Blocking contact in an on-off relationship should last at least 4-6 weeks. This means that you can only contact him again after this time. Please only do this if you feel really confident and good. And what if he didn’t get in touch during the lockdown? Then you should think twice about whether this is the man for life.

Blocking contact shows your partner that you are no longer involved in the on-off relationship. You also gain emotional distance and clarity.

2. Consistency in the on-off relationship

As I said: The on-off relationship only works if you play along and keep taking him back. Imagine if your life would go on forever. Sometimes you are happy and in love, then he lets you fall again. This is pure emotional stress and a real energy sucker. What would your life look like in 10 years if it continued like this? How in 20? And now imagine all the things you could have done while you were heartbroken. You could have had a good time with family or friends. you could have had fun You could have found a man who is sure that he wants a committed relationship and not an on-off relationship. I think you know yourself that something needs to change. How many more times do you want to do this? Once? Twice? Think it over very carefully and then pull it through consistently. Also announce it clearly: “If you ignore me just once more, then that’s it with us.” After all, he should know that this time you are really serious and that this is his last chance.

Think carefully about how many more chances you want to give him in the on-off relationship, and do it consistently.

3. Communication in the on-off relationship

Communication is the be-all and end-all – also in the on-off relationship. Without open and honest communication, no relationship can be truly happy and fulfilled. Here it is particularly important that you stand by your values. Yes, I know. That is not easy. We women often don’t feel comfortable when we demand something because we don’t want to come across as selfish and scare the man away. But from my many years of experience as a relationship coach, I can tell you: A good relationship only works if the values ​​match. And you will only find out if they do that if you communicate your own values. 

Is honesty, loyalty, reliability, and intimacy important to you? Then let your husband know. After all, these are the building blocks of a happy relationship. But if all he cares about is partying, fun, pleasure, and non-commitment, then you know that this man is not a good partner for life and that your values ​​are not compatible. This may be a bitter pill at first, but the sooner you realize it, the better. Then you can draw a line under the on-off relationship and find a suitable man.

However, if your values ​​match and your partner actually longs for a fulfilling relationship on an equal footing, your chances are very good. Then the foundation is right and you can build on it.

The prerequisite for a happy relationship are common values. Communicate your values ​​openly and clearly so that you can break out of the vicious circle of on-off relationships.

4. Solving conflicts in the on-off relationship

If there are problems in a relationship, it always takes two. Also in the on-off relationship. I have never experienced in coaching that the woman always behaved perfectly and the man was to blame for everything. Sure, we take it that way in the situation. But if we try to look at it from a bird’s eye view or from his point of view, we can often find that we women have also played our part in the situation.

It is very important here that you give yourselves space and do not press each other. Relationship problems can really only be solved through self-reflection and personal responsibility. Think carefully: What are the things that you need to improve? You can think about this particularly well during the contact ban when you have gained some distance and have a clear head. How did you contribute to the situation? What exactly are the problems and how can you solve them?

The good thing about the on-off relationship is that he keeps coming back to you and is actually interested in you. That means that he wants it to work. So if you both want it, analyze exactly what has failed so far and what you can do in the future so that the same problems do not arise again. There is one exception, however: My “5 K” strategy doesn’t work with toxic relationships because the toxic partner isn’t willing to work on themselves. 

Use the time in the contact block to take personal responsibility. How did you also contribute to the situation? What can you do together so that the same problems do not arise again?

5. Cooperation in the on-off relationship

If you both agree that you love each other and you want to try again, you need to pull together. A relationship can only work if both want it and both invest. What a lot of people don’t realize is that a happy relationship takes a lot of work, just like a fit body. Both partners must make a conscious effort to ensure that the relationship remains happy. Just like muscles go limp if you don’t exercise them regularly, monotony will creep into the relationship if you don’t actively do something about it.

How? By consciously making sure that there is joy and lightness in your relationship. Create magical moments and have fun together. What did you like to do together at the very beginning when you were newly in love? Surprise your partner with it. In this way, you can escape the daily routine, which is poison for every relationship, and maintain the erotic tension.

In a nutshell

The most important thing in an on-off relationship is that you learn to set boundaries in order to get more appreciation from your partner. Blocking contact is the best strategy for this. This allows you to think about your relationship and your values ​​in peace and gain emotional distance. If you want to try again, it’s important that you pull together and consciously work on your relationship.

How? By consciously making sure that there is joy and lightness in your relationship. Create magical moments and have fun together. What did you like to do together at the very beginning when you were newly in love? Surprise your partner with it. In this way, you can escape the daily routine, which is poison for every relationship, and maintain the erotic tension.

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