How to deal with a man? “We need to talk” – when a person hears this from a partner, an unpleasant feeling of Anxiety arises, because this means that there are problems in their couple. Is that what you want?
Should I try to sort things out?
When two people start dating, they hope that their relationship will be perfect, they will be able to avoid quarrels and scandals, and love will help overcome all obstacles to a happy family life. No in real terms and it is not necessary.
Each of you is an individual person, with your own needs, habits, expectations. You have an image of an ideal marriage, but the problem is that the partner may not share it. This is quite normal, because you grew up in different conditions, you had different parents and experience of interacting with people of the opposite sex.
The main task is to take each other’s experience, to come to a compromise. In addition to the paring of the case, it is possible to have a psychological room, without being affected and emotionally.
If your relationship does not have this, it does not mean that they are doomed. And that does not mean that you need to ignore your discontent and hush up grievances. The accumulated irritation will quickly lead to unnecessary quarrels and parting.
To avoid this, you need to sort things out in time. This means talking to each other, clarifying where you are going, what is wrong in your communication, and finding ways to correct it and achieve harmony.
How to deal with relationships?
There are several principles that will help you not to turn this into a conflict, but on the contrary, will help you make a showdown a way to achieve peace between you.
The main thing is to understand why you need it. To it, it is enough to say that it is concrete.
It must be constructive. Don’t hesitate to contact us when you are ready for the partnership.
The goal of a showdown is not to win the argument, but to improve your communication, to get closer. The desired outcome is a positive change in your interactions and a stronger alliance.
Principles of a successful showdown:
How to sort things out with a man?
- realize what exactly does not suit you in the current communication – either define a specific problem, or a situation that repeats over and over again;
- avoid the words “always”, “always”, “forever” – these are too vague formulations, rely on a real case;
- give up ultimatums and claims – if you start putting the partner before the fact, considering your position to be the only correct one, you will not be able to reach a compromise;
- choose the right place and time for a conversation – no need to sort things out on the go, after a hard day’s work, when you are constantly distracted, or when you are angry with each other;
- show patience and respect – you will not be able to sort things out if you start raising your voice, attacking each other bori;
- convey your position through “I-messages” – no need to talk about what the partner is doing wrong. Talk about how you feel when he does this or that act;
- try to hear and understand the position of the partner, put yourself in the place of the other and recognize that he has the right to everything.
Hearing each other means adjusting your expectations in relation to your partner. Think not only about what you want, but also about whether he can really meet your requirements, whether he should do it and whether he knows about them.
Try to sort things out in a positive way – stick to the principle of constructive feedback “plus-minus-plus” or “sandwich rul”.
First say what you like, then what you don’t like, and then again emphasize what you like in the relationship.
Most people ignore this practice, so that it is effective, but it is difficult to understand. So, psychologist John Gottman (University of Washington) determined that in 90% of cases a couple will divorce if the partners:
- constantly criticize each other without giving positive feedback;
- demonstrate the performance of the subject;
- avoid conflicts and showdowns;
- take a defensive stance “It’s not my fault.”
This result was given by research conducted over 14 years, jointly by Robert Levenson from the University of Caliversite Caliersite Caliersite.
Based on Gottman’s work, other studies have found that for proper feedback, you need to say 2.9 times more about the pros than about the cons. This is called the Losada coefficient. Results were published in the journal “American Psychologist” in 2005.
These studies were the basis for the principles of teamwork developed by Frank Pucelik, one of the founders.
How to find a compromise?
Conflicts contribute to the development of relationships, bring you closer, but only if you know how to get out of them by finding a compromise, and not just wanting to win the argument. Sit across from each other and talk.
- calmly listen to the opinion of the partner, without interrupting, without objecting;
- show that you heard it with the help of “mirror phrases”: “I feel that you are upset because”, “You want …”, “I understood correctly that you”;
- If you feel that his position causes you anger, resentment, irritation, take a break, give yourself time to calm down and analyze everything;
- Think about what exactly dictated such a position, what stands behind it – usually it is either some kind of unfulfilled need or fear;
- decide for yourself in what you can give in to him, to meet halfway, but in such a way that it does not arouse feelings in you;
- convey your desires – what do you want him to meet you halfway and listen to whether he is ready for this.
The most important thing in this communication model is to understand what the need is behind the claims of the person. For example, a man is constantly late at work. You don’t like it, but he insists he can’t change anything.
Why is this important to him?
To provide you both with a better life. Perhaps this is a parental attitude that in this life you need to work hard and hard, otherwise you will remain unsuccessful.
Perhaps on is afraid that you will leave him if he does not achieve more. Or maybe he just really likes the work, this is his calling.
In this situation, the girl should think about why she is so worried that her husband is late at work.
Behind this, there may be a fear that he is cheating on her, that it is more interesting for him to be in another place, and not with her, a feeling of loneliness while his lover is not around, etc. It is important to be able to objectively look at what is happening. What is wrong with real money?
Showdown is an important part of your communication, which will help you get closer, understand each other better and build trust between you. The main thing is not to take it with hostility, to maintain respect and patience.
If you learn how to sort things out correctly, over time you will have fewer reasons for quarrels, your union will strengthen, openness and a sense of confidence in each other will appear.